What causes Men/Women to be unable to set boundaries with their ex's?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
CEU is offline CEU Post #1  August 9,2009, 4:24am
CEU's Avatar

is in a relationship

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2007

Jacksonville, Florida

Posts: 39

See profile

Hi everyone,

Need some help here or possible clarification please! I met "almost" the perfect match last December thru E Harmony and can honestly say that in all my marriage and dating history, our connectivity and communication was the best.

This gentleman was divorced 12 years ago and has a 20 year old daughter. She has graduated from college and on to law school. He could not seem to remove himselft from day to day contact with the ex wife even though she lives in Germany. He lives in her home in Florida, uses her cell phone...even carries her Block Buster card. I know...I should have walked a long time ago. She dictates what he can and cannot do and he never says "no".

This behavior in not being able to set boundaries finally caused me to take a walk. After asking him to continue therapy (yes, he was going because I asked, but not applying any of it), leave her home and learn to lessen the umbilical cord, was not demonstrated. I won't be turning around.

So, guys and girls...when a man says that he doesn't love his ex but she is his best friend, what choice did I have and Why...Why...Why...when eveything else was so good?

It seems that he is forgoing any type of future relationship until he handles this and at 56, it is pretty hard to change. What makes
somone hang on like this or even join EH thinking he is ready to find a future mate? I feel sorry for the next woman.

Some thoughts? Thanks, CEU
 
  Reply With Quote
jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  August 9,2009, 5:28am
jayjay's Avatar

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

Sage

Joined: Jun 2008

Brownsville, TX

Posts: 10,932

See profile

It sounds to me it isn't just this guy's relationship with his ex that is his problem. It sounds more like some type of general dependent personality problem. He's even doing what you tell him to do (therapy).

My sister also maintains an unhealthy connection with her ex. She won't do things in her life 'because he would throw a fit'....even when they have nothing really to do with him. Again, in her case it's some kind of emotional dependence and inability to stand on her own (unfortunately).
 
  Reply With Quote
CEU is offline CEU Post #3  August 9,2009, 5:40am
CEU's Avatar

is in a relationship

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2007

Jacksonville, Florida

Posts: 39

See profile

Thank You Jay Jay,

Over the past couple of years you have been one of the consistant repliers to my posts.

The therapist said "Run...NOW!". This behaviour dates back to childhood. I know.

Thanks again, CEU
 
  Reply With Quote
OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #4  August 9,2009, 5:56am
OverAnalyzer's Avatar

is trying not to

Pacesetter

Joined: Jul 2009

Southern New Hampshire

Posts: 479

See profile

It seems like he was beaten down and made to believe he cannot make many decisions on his own. He's also confused about what a best friend should be. Sounds like he tries to make everyone happy because he doesn't know how to do anything else.

When you asked him to seek therapy did you offer to go with him? Since he joined eHa he may truly want to find someone, or, since his daughter is grown and gone just needs a new someone to care for. Not necessarily a bad thing but he may not have the emotional strength some women need a man to have.

You said you walked so the point is now moot but if you are reconsidering (since you posed the question) and feel like you could do this, maybe suggest you both attend couples counseling. He may be truly unhappy and hoping someone stronger than him will come to his rescue.
 
  Reply With Quote
CEU is offline CEU Post #5  August 9,2009, 6:13am
CEU's Avatar

is in a relationship

Newbie

Joined: Nov 2007

Jacksonville, Florida

Posts: 39

See profile

Overanalyzer,

We did go to therapy together several times. Then he went alone to prepare a letter or statement to give her about setting boundaries when he traveled to Germany last month. This was a signal to me finally, that this man was not very strong. With the therapist's help he prepared this letter and when he got there, e-mailed me that he was bringing back her 10 year old from another marriage (not his) to raise in the States.

He never called me from Germany or e-mailed me prior to making this decision. We were very committed and good manners and maturity would have indicated that I be involved in such a descision as this affects our whole relationship. After all, I am a grandmother and his daughter is grown and gone. Both our bios read "not interested in any more children".

The ex is very manipulative and did get her way in getting me out of the picture. On a side note, she is a therapist.

Your answer hit it right on the head...he is ex-military and was trained to answer "yes". I asked the therapist how you can be so strong in military life (he ranked up there) but so weak in personal and she said that this problem stems from childhood...unless he is willing to work on early issues, there was no point in continuing this relationship.

Thanks for your input. I have never come across men who were that attached to their ex's that they would jeopardize an excellent relationship. This man was not Whole and that is what I am looking for.

For men out there who care to be honest...are any of you like this and can you help me understand why you can't let go? It would certainly help me heal.

Thanks all for listening. CEU
 
  Reply With Quote
boccabum is offline boccabum Post #6  August 9,2009, 7:21am
boccabum's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 974

See profile

It sounds to me like he has an economic dependence on her that turned into an indentured servant type relationship. I think a person like this is rare in the dating world. I don't know too many people with that strong of ties with their ex's.
The real question here is why did you invest so much time and effort in him after you first discovered it (even IF he's perfect in other ways)?
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #7  August 9,2009, 7:39am
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,684

See profile

I wonder just how much this is really even a problem?
[FONT=Arial]
 
  Reply With Quote
Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #8  August 9,2009, 7:54am
Icouldwriteab…'s Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Jan 2009

Denver, Colorado

Posts: 540

See profile

jayjay wrote :
It sounds to me it isn't just this guy's relationship with his ex that is his problem. It sounds more like some type of general dependent personality problem. He's even doing what you tell him to do (therapy).

My sister also maintains an unhealthy connection with her ex. She won't do things in her life 'because he would throw a fit'....even when they have nothing really to do with him. Again, in her case it's some kind of emotional dependence and inability to stand on her own (unfortunately).
Very insightful, jayjay.
 
  Reply With Quote
wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #9  August 9,2009, 8:56am
wordwoman's Avatar

is in contemplation

Quick Study

Joined: Mar 2009

Pacific Northwest

Posts: 221

See profile

OP,

What you discovered is that you weren't enough of a priority for him to change his life. His actions and behavior told you this, and it is tough reality.

But remember while he had many qualities that you liked, his core character lacked the depths that you require, which is why the therapist said walk. And, you did.

BTW, some men who have a great deal of power and authority in their public/professional life want/need to be meek, submissive mates in their private life, thus they seek women who are dominant, controlling, and somewhat unkind to them. These men often appear miserable, might even tell you that they are, but in reality they are quite content with the situation. I've seen it several times; it's interesting to witness, and I'm sure there is some sort of psychological term for it.
 
  Reply With Quote
graceventually is offline graceventually Post #10  August 9,2009, 1:37pm
graceventuall…'s Avatar

was married Nov.28, and is no longer active on this site.

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2008

Posts: 3,056

See profile

Interesting point, wordwoman. I've seen it a few times myself. It's a frustrating thing because on one level, it seems to fly in the face of the entire image the man presents to his professional world.

But as others said, it's not all that common. Hopefully the OP will not run into another one, and can instead find someone with her ex-boyfriend's good qualities and not his transatlantic umbilical cord.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Please help decipher this? | Relationships | Public chastizing or not? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:20pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0