Are players really devoid of feeling?


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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #1  August 9,2009, 3:01am
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Some of you may know a few months ago I ended an on-off 2-yr relationship with I guy I really liked, but when I started paying attention I realized he was just in it for what he could get out of it. What a blow. The pathetic part is I first broke it off after 6 weeks but let him charm me back. Fool. Anyway...

I still have to see him everday (we work in the same place - I went against my own rule for this guy) and he completely ignores me when he sees me, but still watches me when he thinks I don't see him, to the extent of the two other people that knew (or have the nerve to ask) ask me if we are back dating. My question is: is this how they are? Completely into you and your world and then when you break it off they act like you are invisible? Like you never really mattered because it was all part of the game? Are they that unconscionable? Do they feel any sadness?

A breakup still hurts even if you do it for the right reason. I'm not sure if this one hurts because it's a breakup or because I feel betrayed. I think moreso I would like for him to feel some hurt but he either doesn't or is a master at this game.

Opinions?

oh...just saw the post in Dating on players vs. nice guys. I don't think he was seeing anyone else so maybe "player" isn't the right term - maybe user, con, bs-er.

Another thought: it is possible he wasn't using me, just insecure and trying to make me think he was someone different so I would want to be with him? Still, that doesn't change his core values which is what went against mine. Wouldn't he think in time that would matter?
Last edited by OverAnalyzer; August 9,2009 at 3:14am. Reason: added the oh...
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #2  August 9,2009, 4:00am
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my question is what does it matter how he feels since the relationship is ended and you have seen him as a 'player'.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #3  August 9,2009, 5:41am
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #4  August 9,2009, 6:23am
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[quote=OverAnalyzer;704876]

I still have to see him everday (we work in the same place - I went against my own rule for this guy) and he completely ignores me when he sees me, but still watches me when he thinks I don't see him, to the extent of the two other people that knew (or have the nerve to ask) ask me if we are back dating. My question is: is this how they are? Completely into you and your world and then when you break it off they act like you are invisible? Like you never really mattered because it was all part of the game? Are they that unconscionable? Do they feel any sadness?


Another thought: it is possible he wasn't using me, just insecure and trying to make me think he was someone different so I would want to be with him? Still, that doesn't change his core values which is what went against mine. Wouldn't he think in time that would matter?




It's a little presumptuous to assume he doesn't feel anything. He's just not expressing it the way you might wish. But he feels something, otherwise he wouldn't watch you.

And yes, it's possible he wasn't using you. It's possible things just didn't work out for the two of you. It's possible he has regrets same as you. It's possible you're driving yourself crazy with this.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  August 9,2009, 7:11am
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I wonder about all the negativity and presumptuousness toward someone … why not remove undefined emotional terms, like “player,” and post facts?
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #6  August 9,2009, 7:15am
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I agree with J0hn8andy,
How was this guy exactly using you? I was once accused of using a person after ending a relationship that was simply making me unhappy. I concluded that because I ended it, her ego took a very big hit (first time SHE didn't end it with someone) and her logic concluded I was a player and user. That couldn't be further from the truth. I was torn up inside to have had to end the relationship. It took me a long time to get over it. She said I was using her for sex. We dated for 11 months. During that time I don't remember her not also having and enjoying sex at the same time...so there you have it.
Ironically, she later confessed that she was about to dump me and that I had just preempted her break up speech!!!
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #7  August 9,2009, 8:37am
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hmm...you know, I think you're all a little bit right. I am probably putting more thought into this then necessary, after all, most of the thought went into the reason for the breakup.

Maybe he wasn't using me. OK...if you go by the quip that one only allows oneself to be used, you're right. He rents a room in a friends house (last 12 years) I have a house. When he moved in I would need to change this, fix that, buy this, move that. Food tastes much better on a grill. This would taste much better on a grill. I love to cook on a grill. I bought a grill. Wouldn't it be nice to have real patio furniture, I would love a real table and chairs. I bought a small patio set. A small tv for the bedroom. Did the laundry he left over - thanks babe, I so appreciate it, you know I do, don't you? Paid for all the groceries even when he was at my house 4-5 days a week (the first time, for about 3 months) before I realized he wasn't pitching in at all. When I move in we should pool our money. That's what couples do. That was when I broke it off. Guess what? I don't cook on the grill, the patio set is in the barn, and I gave my daughter the tv. I guess I was tired of hearing the complaining and gave in. My problem. I like to make people happy, I like for people to feel good, but not at my expense. This time it took me longer to get there.

As far as work we are both smart enough to not let this interfere. Last time we broke up was for about 8 mos, the final break up was in May. This won't jeopardize our work but to not talk to me at all? It just hurts.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I expect too much from people. I always taught my kids manners, courtesy, respect for people even if they didn't like them. There are enough mean people in the world it's better to try and be nice. If I stay at someone's house that often I'll pay for groceries and most likely cook a few meals and clean up afterward. I would never suggest they add to the hospitality they have provided buy purchasing things for my comfort - I would purchase something as a gift, offer to help, anything. I don't feel the sense of entitlement some do.

I'm so embarassed to be revealing this but maybe next time I will just say things didn't work out, I have before, and leave it at that. But this time - although I may have let it happen - I do feel I was a bit used.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #8  August 9,2009, 8:47am
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D_Lion wrote :
I realized he was just in it for what he could get out of it.
When you get right down to it... we're all in ANY relationship for what we can get out of it. Sometimes that is friendship, love, respect, companionship, laughter, etc. Sometimes that is sex and excitement. If he hung around for 2 years, it couldn't have been *just* sex that he got out of it. I'm sure he felt something... possibly not love but at least affection.

What did YOU get out of the relationship that made you stay in it, even off and on, for 2 years?

By the way... I'll never understand "off and on" relationships. You're either in it or you're done with it. Why keep going back if it doesn't work? I've NEVER heard of anyone who had been in an off-and-on relationship for years and it suddenly turned wonderful and their ever-after relationship.
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #9  August 9,2009, 8:52am
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Well there you have it. A man that rents a room from a friends house, while you're a homeowner, is not only an economic mismatch but one that can set you up. I don't think this guy had an intent to take advantage of you. And that's the key. But you moved someone in without discussing and sticking to clear cut roles and responsibilities. Plus, I'm a firm believer in not moving someone into my home-my children's home-that I'm dating.
As for the player tag. Nah, he wasn't a player. Nor really a user. You're the one who broke it off anyway. You're a giver. Don't be so generous with someone you're romantic with unless they reciprocate with something of equal value to them. This is why we men use the test of if a woman is willing to pay for a date every once in a while...the lack of which says to us that she won't be doing any giving later on in the relationship.
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #10  August 9,2009, 9:28am
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Okay. It’s possible he was with you to leverage a better lifestyle. For sure, I never ask women to buy me things or do things for me (though I get a massive amount of exactly that from women.) If that was why he was with you, that would seem to be “using.”
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