PHILLYKATE is offline PHILLYKATE Post #1  August 8,2009, 2:37pm
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Hi, I'm Kate. I thought I'd give this a try. I was in a relationship a very very long time ago with someone who I cares about very much. He was separated at the time and they were both seeing other people. I think we dated for almost a year but I was and still am his sister's best friend. Anyway, the problem I am having now is for the past five days or so, I'v been thinking about him and what we had and it's depressing me very much. I can't seem to shake it. He ended up breaking up with me and going back to his wife, which I think I probably know deep inside, but didn't want to believe it. We've both went on with our lives. He is still with her to this day. Their kids are all raised and they have kids. I've had a few relationship over the years, the last one lasting 9 years, but I broke that one off because it was going nowhere. I don't think of him as much as I am thinking of this guy this week. I don't know what brought on these feelings. I know I've been dreaming about him too and the dreams were very vivid. Maybe that is the reason that I am so depressed over this and perhaps because I am so lonely. Well, there' a lot more I could write but I think I will end it here. Does anybody out there have some advice for me on how to put these memories to rest and stop the endless thoughts? Thanks for your help in advance.

Kate
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #2  August 8,2009, 3:48pm
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PHILLYKATE wrote :
I was in a relationship a very very long time ago with someone who I cares about very much. He was separated at the time and they were both seeing other people. I think we dated for almost a year but I was and still am his sister's best friend.

Anyway, the problem I am having now is for the past five days or so, I'v been thinking about him and what we had and it's depressing me very much. I can't seem to shake it. He ended up breaking up with me and going back to his wife, which I think I probably know deep inside, but didn't want to believe it. We've both went on with our lives. He is still with her to this day. Their kids are all raised and they have kids.

I've had a few relationship over the years, the last one lasting 9 years, but I broke that one off because it was going nowhere. I don't think of him as much as I am thinking of this guy this week. I don't know what brought on these feelings. I know I've been dreaming about him too and the dreams were very vivid. Maybe that is the reason that I am so depressed over this and perhaps because I am so lonely.

Well, there' a lot more I could write but I think I will end it here. Does anybody out there have some advice for me on how to put these memories to rest and stop the endless thoughts? Thanks for your help in advance.
It is understandable at times when you feel lonely and 'depressed' you tend to look into the past and cling onto those 'good times' you've had with this person.

I think the way to put these to rest would be focus on the present, and look at now rather than the past. What's happened has already happened, like you said, he's back with his wife, he has his family and is getting on with life - without you, and that's a fact in the present that you have no other ways but accept.

If you have other interest and passion in life that can bring you happiness, engage in those activities you like and focus on the present, what's surrounding you now. If the only thing that you can find is a lonely empty house you are surrounded with, then you need to associate yourself with some good friend who you can share your feelings/thoughts with and find some activity you love doing.

When you start focusing on the now, the past will subside.
 
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SavannahGal is offline SavannahGal Post #3  August 10,2009, 10:01pm
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It sounds to me like you are going through a period of sadness and emptiness in your life and you are looking back to the dream of what you could have had with this man. That dream was something you seem to be clinging to since he ended things. There is no similar fantasy of a wonderful life with the guy you broke off the 9 year relationship since that relationship ran its course in your mind and you ended it.

It also seems to me that it is possible that you are not depressed because you are thinking about this past relationship. I believe you are thinking about him because you are depressed in the first place.

I agree with happyquestion that you must find things in the present to make your life full--friendship and activities.

I also think that if you are truly depressed and dwelling on regrets and things that haven't worked out as you wanted in life, you might need to see a doctor. I know this is a very personal comment, but you are around the age of menopause onset (please don't hate me for saying it!), which can be associated with depression. If this is physiological and not just some pangs of sadness over what you thought your life could have been, there might be a simple solution with medication.
 
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PHILLYKATE is offline PHILLYKATE Post #4  August 11,2009, 12:13am
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I'd like to thank you both for your great replies to my post. They were warm and heartfelt and true. I agree with what both of you say in your replies. I am feeling a little better and it probably is because I am depressed that I am thinking of this guy and not depressed because of it. I guess it's been too long to just get depressed over the breakup now. I'm sure I went through it when it happened, but I don't remember all of that part of the relationship. But I do remember the last night (that was the night we broke up) and how mean he treated me. Maybe that upsets too. Again, thanks very much. I appreciate the help.

Kate
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #5  August 11,2009, 10:29am

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PHILLYKATE wrote :
I'd like to thank you both for your great replies to my post. They were warm and heartfelt and true. I agree with what both of you say in your replies. I am feeling a little better and it probably is because I am depressed that I am thinking of this guy and not depressed because of it. I guess it's been too long to just get depressed over the breakup now. I'm sure I went through it when it happened, but I don't remember all of that part of the relationship. But I do remember the last night (that was the night we broke up) and how mean he treated me. Maybe that upsets too. Again, thanks very much. I appreciate the help.

Kate
Kate why not call his wife and have lunch with her and see what happens. Visualize him coming home from work and his wife asks him, How was your day? and she then says do you want to hear about my day?

Harvey7.
 
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PHILLYKATE is offline PHILLYKATE Post #6  August 11,2009, 11:02am
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No Harvey I don't think that will work.
 
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PHILLYKATE is offline PHILLYKATE Post #7  August 11,2009, 11:03am
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No Harvey, I don't really that that would work.
 
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PHILLYKATE is offline PHILLYKATE Post #8  August 11,2009, 11:04am
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No Harvey, I don't think that will work!
 
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flgal is offline flgal Post #9  August 11,2009, 5:26pm
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I agree with happyquestion. Focusing on the present will help a lot. That doesn't mean that these thoughts won't come up, but you can choose to let them go or replace them with other thoughts.
 
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