how do i just be his friend


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bekka74 is offline bekka74 Post #1  August 8,2009, 4:10am
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ok everyone on eh i need help. i'm best friends with this wonderful guy and things are great except over the last few months i realised i was in love with him. this was not planned and actually really sucks because he does not feel the same way and says he never will. i dont want to lose this person in my life but everyone out there how do i just stay friends with him? can someone tell me how not to love him? you guys can ask anything i'll respond if you want more info, i just need help cause my heart is hurting and i dont know how to stop it.
 
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Wiseman2 is offline Wiseman2 Post #2  August 8,2009, 4:28am
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You can stay just friends with him, because that's all he wants.... As far as finding someone who you can love and be loved by, you need to look elsewhere, since he honestly stated he is not interested in that with you...
bekka74 wrote :
OK everyone on eh i need help. I'm best friends with this wonderful guy and things are great except over the last few months i realized i was in love with him. this was not planned and actually really sucks because he does not feel the same way and says he never will. i don't want to lose this person in my life but everyone out there how do i just stay friends with him? can someone tell me how not to love him? you guys can ask anything I'll respond if you want more info, i just need help cause my heart is hurting and i don't know how to stop it.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  August 8,2009, 4:42am
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Hi Bekka,

Did you have an open discussion about this or is there room for misinterpretation on your part? You sound very sure.

If you know for sure, then I would suggest you distance yourself from him, at least for a while - just to have a chance to think about your own feelings and decide what you want to do with them.

I can't tell you what to do. But once you've had a chance to think about this matter calmly, the question I would be asking myself is this: Which would bring me more happiness (or cause more pain)?

You may be just infatuated with him. Maybe you had a recent relationship that didn't end so well and you friend seems so wonderful in comparison now? Maybe you are just feeling lonely? Or maybe there is another reason? If this is just an infatuation, then a little distance should take care of it, so you can go back to being friends afterwards.

If you really are in love, then personally, I would distance myself for quite a long while, until you've had a chance to get over your feelings for him. Then decide if you can continue being friends with him, knowing that he will undoubtedly be seeing other women.

Either way, you should let him know, so that he doesn't think that he's done something wrong when you disappear or stop returning his calls all of a sudden. You could just say that you have to work on a project (or something) and won't have much time to spend with him over the next month or so (or however long you decide). Then take it from there, depending on how you feel.

Good luck?
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #4  August 8,2009, 5:04am
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bekka74 wrote :
ok everyone on eh i need help. i'm best friends with this wonderful guy and things are great except over the last few months i realised i was in love with him. this was not planned and actually really sucks because he does not feel the same way and says he never will. i dont want to lose this person in my life but everyone out there how do i just stay friends with him? can someone tell me how not to love him? you guys can ask anything i'll respond if you want more info, i just need help cause my heart is hurting and i dont know how to stop it.
It looks like you need to protect your heart in this situation.

He says he doesn't feel the same way about you and never will. Respect that. No matter if it's love, infatuation, lust, if it's not recripocated, you need to accept that, wish him them the best, and move on.

How do you move on? You grieve first. It's ok to grieve. You saw something wonderful in this person and you'll miss them. The next thing you do is reduce contact with him to nothing (remember, you need to protect your heart). Remove his number from your cell phone, remove his email address from your address book, remove him from Facebook and other places.

The next thing to do is rely on your support network, your family and friends. Start work on yourself. Get a hobby. Go exercise. Do something. Get out there and realize that while things seem kind of down right now, you have the rest of your life in front of you. Get your friends to take you out and have a good time. You will eventually get to the point that you'll stop thinking about him, and once you get to the point where you're "OK", you should start casually dating to try to find "the one".
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #5  August 8,2009, 5:37am
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I hate to say it, but as long as he's right there in front of you, you're going to keep thinking about how things could be if he would just wake up. That's not good for you.

How can you be just friends? I'm not sure you can. If you feel that strongly, then you need some distance and a lot of distractions.
 
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CreolePrincess is offline CreolePrincess Post #6  August 8,2009, 6:29am
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The first step is to be positive that he does not feel the same for you. If the two of you have already discuss the matter, then, step one is out of the way.

You can remain his friend, but you should make every attempt not to make the situation between the two of you tense or weird. Avoid being together in romatic settings and do more things in groups. Go out with other people and spend time with your other friends. Fill some of your spare time engaged in a hobby. But don't completely avoid him. Just be sure that part of your life doesn't include him and you're getting out ther finding someone who will fall in love with you.

Your have a couple of choices here. You can remain in love with him and be in a one-side relationship if he never feels the same for you. This would be very painful and possibly could ruin your friendship with him. You could decide to have nothing to do with him and end the friendship, in which case you'd be missing out on a great friendship and all the positives that you've enjoyed with him. Or you can accept that there will never be anything between the two of you and maintain your friendship by not attempting to have him fall for you and pursuing other romantic interests. It is possible.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  August 8,2009, 6:44am
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I was only "in love" with one person in my whole life. But if I hadn't been fortunate enough to marry him, I cannot imagine having been able to remain "friends" with him.

I would tell him why, and then break all contact with him.
 
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TiffanyDiamond is offline TiffanyDiamond Post #8  August 8,2009, 7:42am
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chawks64 wrote :
I hate to say it, but as long as he's right there in front of you, you're going to keep thinking about how things could be if he would just wake up. That's not good for you.

How can you be just friends? I'm not sure you can. If you feel that strongly, then you need some distance and a lot of distractions.
I am sorry for you....this is a very difficult situation. Not so funny how we can't help who we fall in love with.

Don't you wish you had a time-machine so you could go back to the minute before you uttered those words? But unfortunately once you put your feelings out there you can't take it back. If he's that good a friend I would talk to him and let him know that I still want to remain friends (if you think you can handle it). But I would put some distance between us for a while. Also keep yourself busy and don't beat yourself up or be embarrassed about what happened. Someday you can both look back on this and laugh (once you are both in other relationships). If after putting space between the two of you you still can't handle being around him then you will probably have to sacrifice the friendship. Sorry.

BTW - how long have you known him?
Last edited by TiffanyDiamond; August 8,2009 at 7:50am. Reason: Text
 
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waypoint_finder is offline waypoint_finder Post #9  August 8,2009, 8:13am

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Casually tell him "I like you. You're like a brother to me"...
 
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boccabum is offline boccabum Post #10  August 8,2009, 8:15am
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Contrary to popular belief, love isn't a single emotion but a system set on a bunch of MUTUAL experiences. I personally believe you can't REALLY love someone without it being returned to you. Rethink what you are feeling. I suspect what you have is really lust. Also, you're choosing to "love" this guy. It's maybe wishful thinking that if you "love"/lust this guy, maybe he'll return the feelings. If you're sure he doesn't feel this way, then stop torturing yourself and divert your attention from him to someone who can feel romantically about you. I'm sure you can continue to be friends with this guy-you were before.
 
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