rosemary77 is offline rosemary77 Post #1  August 1,2009, 8:09pm
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Hi,
Now please try no to get overly judgemental with me. I know I am doing the wrong thing and i have to live with myself. I met a man a few months back and felt a very strong attraction to him. but after learning he was married, i never paid him another thought. Well we still saw eachother every now and then at the local pub. never alone.

We would talk about mundane things like computers and the weather. Then he asked me out for coffee. I said no at first telling him I dont go out with married men. I'm 37, never married and yes i have never gone out with a married man. Well he said he was separated. he told me though that she lived in the same house but because of financial issues, they were staying put till the could get a cheaper mortgage. he went on to say that they had separate rooms and lead separate lives. They have teenage children. He says they have been unhappily married almost from the start

Well silly me. I decide well being friends would be ok. we had things in common. loved playing pool together and there was definately chemistry. We talked online and texts and phonecalls and then decided we could no longer resist being together. He says he wants to get things moving for them to part ways, asked me if i am ok with his kids being his world and i said of course.

He said he thinks we should cool things down while he is doing what he has to do but it is very hard for us to do this. He's never told me to wait for him and says he could understand if i wanna find a man with a less complicated situation. But that he is going thru with this anyway. it's inevitable.

I want to walk away. It would be the right thing to do. It is just so damn hard to do. I think he is being honest with me and he tells me how it is in a straight manner. he assures me that everything should be sorted out within 6 months and the ball is already in motion. he says he has never done this in 18 years of marriage . i dont know what to think. Has anyone been thru this kind of thing and what happened for you? thanks for reading my post.
Rose
 
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SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #2  August 2,2009, 5:15pm
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I've never been in this exact situation before. Clearly though it's causing you some stress. If he really is that keen, committed and honest with you, then if there any harm in you saying to him....

I'm not comfortable with this, call me in 6 months time when you've got it all sorted out.
 
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MCMLXXII is offline MCMLXXII Post #3  August 2,2009, 5:44pm
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Hi Rose: This man is married which means he is not available to you.

Move on.
 
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Snick8699 is offline Snick8699 Post #4  August 2,2009, 6:07pm
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I have been through this exact situation. I had started dating one of my close male friends who was going through "marital issues". We had such a strong connection that we realized we were made for each other. This lasted 2 years because he kept "working on getting away". Like a fool, I stayed because like a gambler, I kept thinking "any day now". Well a few months when I decided to leave him once and for all and started dating someone else. He went nuts. Begged me to take him back, assured me he's talking to lawyers and is leaving anyway whether he's with me or not! So again, because I didn't learn my lesson the first time, like a fool I went back but this time my heart wasn't in it.

Long story short, I dumped him for good a few weeks ago. It felt liberating. Guess what I found out? His wife is pregnant. SO he was never planning on going anywhere at all!

If he's letting you go, RUN, don't walk!! What have you got to lose? Tell him he knows where to find you when it all goes south. I have been there girl. I didn't want to listen to reason either.

If you'd like to chat privately, send me a message. I can't tell you enough, RUN!!!
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #5  August 2,2009, 8:01pm
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Welcome to planet eHA and you are more than welcome to join the Crazy Club!

On a serious note -
Personally, I tend to stay away from "separated" at least until "divorced". But every person and every situation is different. He is the only one who knows the truth, and you are the only one who can decide whether to believe him or not - it's your life, not ours.

If the connection between you is strong enough, then staying Friends may be an option to consider, at least until his divorce is final. How quickly he moves with the divorce proceedings may also be an indicator of how committed he is to you - if he is dragging his feet signing every paper, then he is probably unsure. And if this is the case, then I would agree with "run". It is not your job to stay and convince him that you are worth having in his life as more than a friend - he has to arrive at that decision on his own, otherwise there is little value in it. And you have to do what feel right to you.

The only thing you can ultimately do, without regretting your decision later, is to follow your own judgment.

Good Luck!
 
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singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #6  August 2,2009, 8:10pm
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A separated man is a married man. Until he has moved out and made things legal, he is not an option.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #7  August 2,2009, 11:50pm

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rosemary77 wrote :
Hi,
Now please try no to get overly judgemental with me. I know I am doing the wrong thing and i have to live with myself. I met a man a few months back and felt a very strong attraction to him. but after learning he was married, i never paid him another thought. Well we still saw eachother every now and then at the local pub. never alone.

We would talk about mundane things like computers and the weather. Then he asked me out for coffee. I said no at first telling him I dont go out with married men. I'm 37, never married and yes i have never gone out with a married man. Well he said he was separated. he told me though that she lived in the same house but because of financial issues, they were staying put till the could get a cheaper mortgage. he went on to say that they had separate rooms and lead separate lives. They have teenage children. He says they have been unhappily married almost from the start

Well silly me. I decide well being friends would be ok. we had things in common. loved playing pool together and there was definately chemistry. We talked online and texts and phonecalls and then decided we could no longer resist being together. He says he wants to get things moving for them to part ways, asked me if i am ok with his kids being his world and i said of course.

He said he thinks we should cool things down while he is doing what he has to do but it is very hard for us to do this. He's never told me to wait for him and says he could understand if i wanna find a man with a less complicated situation. But that he is going thru with this anyway. it's inevitable.

I want to walk away. It would be the right thing to do. It is just so damn hard to do. I think he is being honest with me and he tells me how it is in a straight manner. he assures me that everything should be sorted out within 6 months and the ball is already in motion. he says he has never done this in 18 years of marriage . i dont know what to think. Has anyone been thru this kind of thing and what happened for you? thanks for reading my post.
Rose
You are getting the song and a dance routine!
What is his wife's position on the possible divorce? Did you ever think about calling her for lunch and discussing it with her? Don't forget most divorces are No Fault, so you would not be raining on any ones parade by speaking with her.
Ask your boy friend, if he would mind if you spoke to his attorney and or his wife?
It should be a funny scene watching him explain his way out of that? It always good to get some action and be in the middle of a divorce it ad's a bit of excitement to ones life.

Do you have something better to do with your self? If not just enjoy the fun and make him wine and dine you and start to give him some of your bills to pay!

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; August 3,2009 at 8:06am.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #8  August 3,2009, 12:32am
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When a man tells you who he is and where he's at, believe him and walk away. I agree; it is crazy to "put your life on hold" for someone who isn't available.
 
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Mr_Right is offline Mr_Right Post #9  August 3,2009, 3:56am
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Tell him that you won't be seeing him until the divorce is final. Make things easy on yourself.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #10  August 3,2009, 4:15am
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I have dated a few "separated" men, but in most of those cases the paperwork was filed and it was just a matter of days.
I would NOT date someone who was still living with his ex due to finances.
While I understand that especially in this economic climate right now, that could happen, it is not a risk I am willing to take as to whether it is a true story or not.

Plus I want to be able to go over to the guy's house as well, and that for sure would not be able to happen.

Hmmm, that gives me an idea. If they are separated, then I am sure that there are plenty of times when "she" goes somewhere to visit others, locally or not. For proof, ask him to take you to his house and ask to see his "room".
That still would not clinch it for me though, because sometimes exes in close proximity like that might still have sex from time to time.
 
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