Should a man be saying this to me?


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healthb is offline healthb Post #61  August 2,2009, 6:17am
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chapgirl wrote :
This guy has boundary issues all over the place! Professionally, agewise, and what not to say to a woman you are dating. He is rude and immature, and I think it was great that you said something on the spot. His response says a whole lot about him. Instead of saying, "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." He became accusatory of you.
I agree with most of her statement, but I would also say that people make mistakes and you need to ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker for you. Also, in aggregate, do the good things about this man outweigh the bad? If yes, I think you should give him another chance, because conflict will always happen and some things you won't find an easy resolution. If he doesn't apologize, perhaps the correct answer is to agree to disagree.
 
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healthb is offline healthb Post #62  August 2,2009, 6:36am
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Here's a thought, too. If you know the thirty-something in question, you might want to fill her in on what he is saying. She either knows about it and might feel very uncomfortable about the situation (believe me, I know this side of it) or might not know he is saying things like this.

As a woman in her early thirties, I resent a man who sees my age as my defining virtue. I had several older men tell me what a catch they were. They also told me really insensitive things like my biological clock is ticking or I would be lucky to have an older man, etc... It was men are their most disgusting.

If I were in the other woman's shoes, I would love to hear what he was saying about me and would relish an opportunity to teach him a lesson in respect. Like the old opera Le Sistrida, women are best when they band together and you might be surprised in the resource this younger woman can provide.
 
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itsbits is offline itsbits Post #63  August 2,2009, 7:00am
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healthb wrote :
Here's a thought, too. If you know the thirty-something in question, you might want to fill her in on what he is saying. She either knows about it and might feel very uncomfortable about the situation (believe me, I know this side of it) or might not know he is saying things like this.

As a woman in her early thirties, I resent a man who sees my age as my defining virtue. I had several older men tell me what a catch they were. They also told me really insensitive things like my biological clock is ticking or I would be lucky to have an older man, etc... It was men are their most disgusting.

If I were in the other woman's shoes, I would love to hear what he was saying about me and would relish an opportunity to teach him a lesson in respect. Like the old opera Le Sistrida, women are best when they band together and you might be surprised in the resource this younger woman can provide.
I do know this 30 year old woman; whenever she would see me in my guy's office (when we were strictly friends with no intention of dating), she would come in and sit down with us. Needless to say, it always seemed odd that she'd come in and sit down and then not talk to me. My guy and I would basically not talk to each other and I felt "monitored". She is also the bosses/owner's daughter so I was in a submissive role.

At the time of the unpleasant conversation with my guy (after his comments), I discussed the way she always treated the situation, how I'd felt "monitored" and how now, in hindsight, his comments came full circle. I told him she always kinda acted like a territorial girlfriend, he said she acts more like a "mother". At 30, and if she'd be in love with him, I didn't think she'd acted like a mother. I could tell the conversation was limited to me "getting over it" and just ended the discussions.

I will add, that she's the daughter of the owner and her family would never accept her with a 52 year old man. I do not belive anything romantic has taken place, but they are friends, she discuses everything in her life with him (his words), she's his "sounding board".
Last edited by itsbits; August 2,2009 at 2:39pm.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #64  August 2,2009, 11:02am
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landstar59 wrote :
Finally, a guy with some sensitivity on how to handle the situation.

That old adage, "being in love never means having to say your sorry is a bunch of bull." If you can not express regret by apologizing that is being controlling D_Lion.

I always thought that meant that if you're in love you would never do anything that you would need to say sorry for in the first place.

That could be another way to look at it, but being that we are all imperfect people, I doubt we will never do things we don't have to apologize for. I take it to mean that if you love someone you are going to go to any depth to keep the relationship a happy one. That's my twist on it. Another thought on that though would be that you know each other so well that you already know the other person is contrite and wanting forgiveness because of the love between you.
Last edited by landstar59; August 2,2009 at 11:03am. Reason: wanted to highlight what I was replying to.
 
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fool4love628 is offline fool4love628 Post #65  August 2,2009, 11:20am
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jayjay wrote :
This is where he learns if he can walk all over you or not. You have to be willing to end the relationship if he won't respect boundaries that you set, such as this.
+1

If he really cared about you, he would apologize for the fact that he hurt your feelings with the (inappropriate) comment, even if he didn't intend it to be taken the way it did.
 
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nancymargritangelita is offline nancymargritangelita Post #66  August 4,2009, 2:48pm
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healthb wrote :
Here's a thought, too. If you know the thirty-something in question, you might want to fill her in on what he is saying. She either knows about it and might feel very uncomfortable about the situation (believe me, I know this side of it) or might not know he is saying things like this.

As a woman in her early thirties, I resent a man who sees my age as my defining virtue. I had several older men tell me what a catch they were. They also told me really insensitive things like my biological clock is ticking or I would be lucky to have an older man, etc... It was men are their most disgusting.

If I were in the other woman's shoes, I would love to hear what he was saying about me and would relish an opportunity to teach him a lesson in respect. Like the old opera Le Sistrida, women are best when they band together and you might be surprised in the resource this younger woman can provide.
Another thought and what I think healthb is trying to say - once she finds out the two of you are "an item" she may talk to him and tell him to stop talking about her the way he is.
 
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Michael1974 is offline Michael1974 Post #67  August 4,2009, 4:44pm
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itsbits wrote :
I could really use some help in sifting through a situation with my guy. We'd been friends for 2 years in a business setting and started dating a couple months after I changed jobs. While we were out on a romantic date, my guy is telling me about another of his co-worker female friends. He says to me "if I were 20 years younger, I'd be in love with her and her with me". After I calmly told him that was inappropriate to say to someone who's emotionally involved with him, he began to chastise me and defend her. Needless to say the entire evening was shot and we've been on the outs ever since.
My guy is 52 (I'm 45) and this other female is 30. My guy has a history of dating younger women: this is not jelousy as my guy even tells me I look 30-35, so there aren't self esteem issues on my end here. He's upset that "I took it the way I did", but even after discussing the reverse situation on him..he wouldn't appologize and took a very strong "just get over it" stance. My gut reaction is to take the realtionhip back to friends cause the way he even handled the aftermath was sad. Would it really be ok for a guy to tell a woman this and think it's really no big deal (and if he's into another gal, that's ok, but don't get me involved if he is).
What he did was atrocious. A guy who is involved with a woman should not be talking about any other women in that manner. Period.
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #68  August 4,2009, 5:51pm
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The guy was totally off base. He knew he was out on a date with you, so he cannot discount that.

Dating is a time when you specifically focus on your partner, and hope they enjoy being together with you.

He made some rude comments about being wishful of being with another woman WHILE he was ON A DATE WITH YOU.

When you indicated you were uncomfortable/hurt by the comments that he made, he should have apologized for making you uncomfortable, even if he felt the need to say he didn't see the comment in that light.

I'd just be polite and friendly at work but that's it. Steer clear of friendship - he's not a friend.
 
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