plshelp is offline plshelp Post #1  July 29,2009, 3:57pm
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my wife and i have been together for 15 yrs and married for 9 yrs and we have four beautiful children. our marraige has had plenty of ups and downs that we have been able to handle well until now. a year ago i had a serious industrial accident which means i will never work again. because of this i am suffering from depression and have strong feelings of inadequacy. due to our financial situation she had to go away to work and is only home on weekends. she says she loves me and misses me but doesnt know if she is in love with me.i try to support her in what she is doing and tell her daily how proud of her i am. when she comes home i surprise her with a special baked cake or meal and have all the chores complete so she doesnt have to do anything. am i worrying about her leaving me needlessly or is this a product of my own fears. how do i get her to fall back in love with me? when we discuss this she says there is no need to worry but i cant help it.
 
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cashncarry is offline cashncarry Post #2  July 30,2009, 2:59pm
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I am sorry you had an accident. I am also glad to hear that you are worried about your relationship with your wife. When you have an issue you are worried about, it is always best to bring it out in the open and discuss it instead of letting it fester. Although your wife says there's no need to worry, you might want to think about some counseling, just to be sure all is out in the open and you can move forward and overcome any hurdles. I say all of this after the fact that I had a 30 year marriage that went sour because we did not communicate and were not truly honest. I did not find out he was not happy with me until he actually asked me for a divorce. I don't want to see that happen to you. You are good to act now.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  July 30,2009, 3:46pm
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So sorry to hear about your accident. I hope the injury heals in time, as much as it can. And if you suffer from clinical depression, please get treatment, it's important and can save your life.

But there is no way to "get" your wife to fall in love with you again. We can only fall in love willingly, never forcefully or as a result of manipulation.

The best advice I can give you is to be brave enough to be yourself - the man she fell in love with in the first place. Our lives change us, teach us a lot of lessons, and even leave us with some unsightly scars. But they only hurt temporarily, if treated well and with a little kindness from those we love. And hopefully, we remain the same in essence of who we are.

Based on your story, I'm sure this is what your wife fell in love with, and I'm positive that the only way to have her fall in love with you again is to expose her to who you are as a person - no masks, facades or pretences to cover up who you really are and what's really hurting you inside. It really is that simple.

Your wife sounds like a very decent and loving woman, who is true to you despite the hardships. Just offer her the same in return. And I would also recommend to act now, before she loses hope, because once the last ray of hope is gone, it really is all over, no matter how hard you try to "get" her to fall in love with you in the future.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery and Gool Luck in life and love!
Hope you make it work for both of you, the way you intend to.
Last edited by IcecreamMoon; July 30,2009 at 3:49pm.
 
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SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #4  July 30,2009, 9:36pm
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Well to be honest with you, it's really hard to be in love with a depressed person. The spark is gone out of them and no matter how much they try and please they just aren't the person you fell in love with. Your number one priority here is to deal with your depression, she is simply missing the person you used to be. And I don't mean the pre-accident person in terms of earning power or whatever, she misses your spark not your paypacket.

Another point is, so ok you had this accident that has incapacitated you in some way. Yet you are able to think and type which really does mean you can work again in your lifetime if you really want to. You just can't return to the work you used to do. So stop using that as your excuse to feel bad. It's a change of direction not the end of your life.

And my final point is, if you continue to feel downtrodden, dwell on your misfortune and feed the fear that she will leave you, she will. Because no-one can put an end to that self fulfilling prophecy except you. Get off that track, find a way in which you can find meaning in your life again and pick up where you left off. That's what she really wants to see, you getting a handle on your life again.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #5  July 30,2009, 10:15pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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plshelp wrote :
... a year ago i had a serious industrial accident which means i will never work again.
Is your brain damaged? Your post seems to reflect a good, working mind and ability to communicate. Why can't you work? Do you really mean you can't do some type of physical work? If so, there are many other non-physical types of work that you could be trained for. I really can't know, but it does cross my mind that there may be other issues going on here such as your using this as an excuse to not work and escape life. I apologize if this isn't the case.
 
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landstar59 is offline landstar59 Post #6  July 31,2009, 10:43am
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plshelp wrote :
my wife and i have been together for 15 yrs and married for 9 yrs and we have four beautiful children. our marraige has had plenty of ups and downs that we have been able to handle well until now. a year ago i had a serious industrial accident which means i will never work again. because of this i am suffering from depression and have strong feelings of inadequacy. due to our financial situation she had to go away to work and is only home on weekends. she says she loves me and misses me but doesnt know if she is in love with me.i try to support her in what she is doing and tell her daily how proud of her i am. when she comes home i surprise her with a special baked cake or meal and have all the chores complete so she doesnt have to do anything. am i worrying about her leaving me needlessly or is this a product of my own fears. how do i get her to fall back in love with me? when we discuss this she says there is no need to worry but i cant help it.
I am sorry to hear about your accident and on top of that your worry over the loss of your wife's love. How to get her to fall in love with you again? I say revisit your memory bank and think back to what she said made her fall in love with you to begin with. My other recommendation (and by the way it is a superb idea to do all the sweet things you are doing for her regarding housekeeping and sweet little surprises) but make sure you are speaking her love language. There is a book on it, google it and see if you can find it at your local library. Once you have determined her love language, don't hold back. I wish you all the best.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  July 31,2009, 11:30am
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[quote=SoOverIt;693193]
Another point is, so ok you had this accident that has incapacitated you in some way. Yet you are able to think and type which really does mean you can work again in your lifetime if you really want to. You just can't return to the work you used to do. So stop using that as your excuse to feel bad. It's a change of direction not the end of your life.

[quote=jayjay;693222]
Is your brain damaged? Your post seems to reflect a good, working mind and ability to communicate. Why can't you work? Do you really mean you can't do some type of physical work? If so, there are many other non-physical types of work that you could be trained for. I really can't know, but it does cross my mind that there may be other issues going on here such as your using this as an excuse to not work and escape life. I apologize if this isn't the case.



A favorite artist of mine (Raymond Massey) changed careers at mid-life. He had been a writer of short stories for magazines. They asked him to illustrate some of his stories. His illustrations were better than his stories! If you "Google" him, nobody is better at painting ships.

My own father was a sharecropper. Worked from before light till after dark. Hardly got to see us kids. So he packed us up and moved us to California with nothing but belief in his own abilities. First job, pumping gas, later became a mechanic. Raised three kids, bought a house, retired before 60.

Many people start over. There are vets running on prosthesis. Look at Helen Keller. She was missing three of her senses, but today the whole world knows her name.

It Ain't Over Till It's Over!
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #8  July 31,2009, 12:27pm
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It sounds like had a stable marriage until your accident and disability and your wife returning to work..... Your depression is clearly involved in your feelings of hopelessness..... I may suggest that your wife , given the "not sure if in love with you" issue is mourning the loss of a capable and non-depressed husband..... She may also resent having this work and financial issue. Doing all the help at home helps , but she may want her husband back...emotionally... to support her, and in a despondent state that is missing. You both seem to be resentful and mourning for different reasons. Professional help for both may shed some light. Good Luck..
jayjay wrote :
Is your brain damaged? Your post seems to reflect a good, working mind and ability to communicate. Why can't you work? Do you really mean you can't do some type of physical work? If so, there are many other non-physical types of work that you could be trained for. I really can't know, but it does cross my mind that there may be other issues going on here such as your using this as an excuse to not work and escape life. I apologize if this isn't the case.
 
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Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #9  August 1,2009, 11:19am
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plshelp wrote :
my wife and i have been together for 15 yrs and married for 9 yrs and we have four beautiful children. our marraige has had plenty of ups and downs that we have been able to handle well until now. a year ago i had a serious industrial accident which means i will never work again. because of this i am suffering from depression and have strong feelings of inadequacy. due to our financial situation she had to go away to work and is only home on weekends. she says she loves me and misses me but doesnt know if she is in love with me.i try to support her in what she is doing and tell her daily how proud of her i am. when she comes home i surprise her with a special baked cake or meal and have all the chores complete so she doesnt have to do anything. am i worrying about her leaving me needlessly or is this a product of my own fears. how do i get her to fall back in love with me? when we discuss this she says there is no need to worry but i cant help it.
Its all in your head. She loves you, but she doesn't love who you are in this depressed state.

You can overcome this, it'll be hard because the injury has regressed you but you can do it.

Discipline yourself to do what needs to be done. If that involves counseling then it might be the thing to do. Read a little about how other men in your situation are coping, perhaps you can learn from their trials also?

You have my prayers. I'll be in your corner hoping you pull it together.

I'd recommend not taking drugs to deal with it.
 
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plshelp is offline plshelp Post #10  August 2,2009, 4:14pm
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thankyou foral your kind advice. my injury is a severe back injury. i am not experienced in anything other than mining. however i have signed up for education and retraining. my wife and i had a lovely weekend by ourseles and were able to reconnect. her main problem was the fact that i had withdrawn from life due to depression and severe pain. i have also sought counselling for myself and have discussed with my wife about counselling for both of us. she says that she is very happy that i have been able to cope with the chores and is pleased that she doesnt have to work and look after a household on her two days at home. this weekend i got a babysitter and we had a romantic candlelit dinner after she had a long hot bath i had run for her then we relaxed on the couch and just talked. we covered a lot of topics and we both went to bed happy with each other. she commented the next morning how much she enjoyed herself and admitted that this was what she was missing. she just wanted to see her loving, supportive husband back again!!!!! again thankyou
 
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