Can I forgive - and forget..??


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vass2009 is offline vass2009 Post #1  July 29,2009, 6:18am
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friendly guy looking for some objective advice

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Ive been with my partner for about a year and thought things were going great - and we recently got engaged to marry. Our sex life has always been pretty good - well so i thought, however I have always been a little supsicious of some of her previous sexual activities. I questioned her about it (anal sex)as it was kind of bugging me, and whislt she assured me she hadnt done it i wasnt convinced because she teased me about it. On one hand she acted sweet and innocent but on then she would tease me and say i wouldnt do that with anyone - but I want to do that with you and 'try new things'.
I became very confused and didnt know what to believe. i tried to put it out of my mind and forget about it but it kept coming up.
She also menioned one of her previous partners who was particularly 'good in bed' and 'bigger than me'. This shattered my ego almost on the spot.
I began to feel very insecure, and didnt know if i was satisfying her. apart from all of this we got on well, had moved in togethor and she said she loved me and wanted evrything with me. we moved in togethor, and started talking about marraige but still lingering doubts remained. she told me that because she and her family were very catholic she wanted a commitment from me if we weer to live togethor and i did love her, so i proposed and we got engaged.
Then a couple of weeks ago after the subject came up again and she finally admitted to me that she had infact been engaging in anal sex repeatedly with a couple of her previous partners, including the one that was 'very big & very good' in bed and she liked it. so much for the good catholic girl....
I feel cheated and lied to, and wonder why she waited to put a ring on my finger to tell me the truth. I am trying to put it out of my head, she said she didnt want to tell me because she felt ashamed but then she would tease me about it. Its not so much the act itself but the fact she lied to me and teased me about it and only came clean after we got engaged. and why all along did she tease me about this but not do it with me, act sweet and innocent but regularly do this with her previous partners.
I dont know if i can trust her and this has caused a big problem for us. I feel very insecure still, and am iunsure if I should proceed with the wedding which i we have planned in a few months time.
Last edited by vass2009; July 29,2009 at 6:57am.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #2  July 29,2009, 7:05am
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Don't blame for your doubts here. Her sexual history is private, however you asked and she volunteered. What's up with the put downs and comparisons? Wow, are you really thinking of marring her?. Between the put downs in the bedroom and coy lies and taunting, it's wise to reconsider this
vass2009 wrote :
I've been with my partner for about a year and thought things were going great - and we recently got engaged to marry. Our sex life has always been pretty good - well so i thought, however I have always been a little suspicious of some of her previous sexual activities. I questioned her about it (anal sex)as it was kind of bugging me, and whilst she assured me she hadn't done what i thought she had done i wasn't convinced. On one hand she acted sweet and innocent but on then she would tease me a little about it, and say i wouldn't do that with anyone but I want to do that with you and 'try new things'.
I became very confused and didn't know what to believe. i tried to put it out of my mind and forget about it but it kept coming up.
She also mentioned one of her previous partners who was particularly 'good in bed' and 'bigger than me'. This shattered my ego almost on the spot
wrote :
I began to feel very insecure, and didn't know if i was satisfying her. apart from all of this we got on well, had moved in together and she said she loved me and wanted everything with me. we moved in together, and started talking about marriage but still lingering doubts remained. she told me that because she and her family were very catholic she wanted a commitment from me if we were to live together and i did love her, so i proposed and we got engaged.
Then a couple of weeks ago after the subject came up again and she finally admitted to me that she had in fact been engaging in anal sex repeatedly with a couple of her previous partners, including the one that was 'very big & very good' in bed and she liked it.
wrote :
so much for the good catholic girl....
I feel cheated and lied to, and wonder why she waited to put a ring on my finger to tell me the truth. I am trying to put it out of my head, she said she didn't want to tell me because she felt ashamed but then she would tease me about it. Its not so much the act itself but the fact she lied to me and teased me about it and only came clean after we got engaged.
wrote :
Engagements thankfully can be called off
and why all along did she tease me about this but not do it with me, act sweet and innocent but regularly do this with her previous partners.
I don't know if i can trust her and this has caused a big problem for us. I feel very insecure still, and am unsure if I should proceed with the wedding which i we have planned in a few months time.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #3  July 29,2009, 7:20am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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Let's face it, that is still a taboo act by 'normal' standards and it very well could've been that she was ashamed until she felt comfortable enough with you to admit to it.

The "big problem" you have is yours ...you need to stop searching for ways to compare yourself with every past lover. It seems like an obsession with you. So what if one of her previous lovers was 'very big', 'very good', and did things with her you haven't done? Is she with them now? ...no, she's with you. There's probably about a half a million guys in the world that are bigger and better than you are in bed, are you going to worry about them too? Sheez.

The road you are on leads nowhere for you and you should get off at the next available exit.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  July 29,2009, 8:55am

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Without a doubt you guys need couples counseling, because the both of you are crossing barriers which represent mutual respect! Your disrespecting each other! You need some counseling or an attitude adjustment on your view and beliefs on sexology. On the surface it seems that your young lady is very promiscuous or was very active sexually in her past relationships. In order to avoid getting pregnant she engaged in a bit of kinky sex which seems to meet with your disapproval? That is why I said some therapy (with a PHD.) is in order and after you complete the therapy then you can decide, if you want to keep the tramp? (Joke!)

Harvey7.
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #5  July 29,2009, 9:22am
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You've already asked this question and got 3 pages worth of replies.

http://advice.eharmony.com/boards/da...-her-past.html (Lies about her past)

You already got a lot of good advice, but let me repeat:

1. You two should NOT have talked about your past sexual experiences in that kind of detail. You did NOT need to know exactly which acts she has performed and exactly how big, etc. her former lovers were. You really, really didn't and your current fixation on what she did before you is the perfect example of why.

2. You keep obessessing on this. If you want to marry this woman you need to get yourself to a counselor to help you put it out of your mind for good. If you don't, you are going to make your life and hers miserable. Make no mistake about it... if you end your engagement because of this it is due to YOUR obsessing over something you never should have asked, and not what she did or chose to disclose to you.
 
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gothustartus is offline gothustartus Post #6  July 29,2009, 10:07am
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is thinking about someone special

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Why does it matter so much to you what she did with previous lovers? Is she still doing it now? It's hardly surprising she lied if this is the kind of reaction she's getting from you, you're making a nervous poodle look like a rock of stability.
Get some help mate, deal with your insecurity before it deals with you.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #7  July 29,2009, 10:31am
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bye all

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I agree with everyone, forget about the other guys and stop asking questions about them. I replied to your other post as well and you seem obsessed over this and maybe it's due that you don't feel comfortable about yourself sexually. Get help and work through this before you get married, I can't see anything but pain for your future if you don't. The more comfortable you get with someone and the more your feelings grow for someone, things may come up that either of you may want to try with one another. If your not totally against your partners suggestions, why not try it, whatever it is. Being open minded in a loving and caring relationship can't hurt. Since my divorce I have tried things that I never had done before and I kept an open mind about it all. Sometimes makes you think, boy, and I thought me and my X of 18 years had an open sexual relationship. Stop wondering and asking about the other guys, it's not good for either of you. Your not going to make love like that last guy or the guy before that, your going to be the best she has ever had because you love her.
 
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SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #8  July 29,2009, 4:19pm
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Well it sounds to me like you've got some sexual hangups and that's whats really bugging you. Who cares what she did with previous partners as long as she wasn't doing it with them the while she was with you.

She's trying to politely coax you into slightly more adventurous and hopefully enjoyable sex than the missionary position. If you don't want to go there, fair enough, but how about quitting the judgements on her because she does?

Are you more frightened to try something new or are you just suffering form a deflated ego because she's had guys who were more satisfying to her? Blaming and judging her because she knows what good sex (to her) feels like is not a great basis for any relationship.

My advice would be to dump her, so she can get on with finding someone more compatible and you can sort your own sexual issues out.
 
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happyquestion is offline happyquestion Post #9  July 29,2009, 5:48pm
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Her past is her past, where it should remains. So what if she stuck someone's big toe up her anus for pleasure, what if she enjoyed going to the movies with popcorn with her ex that you haven't done with her now, would you get all upset about that? If not, what's the difference when it comes to sexual activities?

I can see your point where you said she should be straight forward with you on the issue, when it come to sexual matters, some of the most intimate details (especially near a bit taboo) can be difficult to express until the trust and the relationship is built up. If you want her to trust you and be open with you you should also provide a safe ground where she feel she won't be judged and relationship is not threatened.

She is with you now, her 'bigger, better lovers' have lost her interest, and she expressed that you are the person she likes to explore sexual pleasures with, what more could you want.

Perhaps a time machine to go back in history and seal her bottom up so it won't happen?
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #10  July 29,2009, 7:22pm
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wishes you all the very best!

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I didn't read the other comments but didn't you post about this already?
 
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