I fell in love with a liar...now what do I do?


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nonametaken is offline nonametaken Post #1  July 27,2009, 8:02pm
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I am in my thirties and so is my ex-partner. I fell in love with a liar and now I am left hurt, confused and lost in my own words. I dated someone for a year and always felt like the stories I was being told were some what vague but I always had trust and faith in my partner. We talked about marriage, finances and even started looking for a home. My partner proposed to me a few months later and when it came to planning out a wedding and buying that home, he told me that he had zero dollars saved (meanwhile he lied to me before and said he had 15% down for a $400,000 home.) With an engagement ring on my finger the truth finally started pouring out and I found out that his finances were all a lie and looking for a home all this time was also a huge waste of time. I was devistated that he could lie to me about something so big as to planning out our future together and still expects me to marry him. I am not a gold digger by any means but financial stability is very important to me especially when I have worked hard and saved my share for the down payment on a home and wedding. Some other lies that he told me were about his income level (he told me he made more than he actually did) and the size of my dimond engagement ring (it was appraised much smaller than what he told me it was.) After I found out everything was a lie, he initally had a hard time appologizing to me and told me that he was being 'sarcastic' when he told me all these things. He eventually apologized and admitted that he was embarrassed that he had nothing and I would have never dated a guy like him if I knew the truth about him during our relationship. He also then said if 'I loved him then I would forgive him.' I ended up breaking up with him and sometimes doubt my decision was a good one because I did love him (or the person I thought he was), however, I am so scared to be married to a liar. Did I do the right thing or should I give him a second chance? We have been seeing each other lately but I am having a difficult time to commit to being in a relationship with him since I still catch him in some smaller lies.
Last edited by nonametaken; July 29,2009 at 4:50pm. Reason: adding more details
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #2  July 27,2009, 8:27pm
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nonametaken wrote :
I fell in love with a liar and now I am left hurt, confused and lost in my own words. I dated someone for a year and always felt like the stories I was being told were some what vague but I always had trust and faith in my partner. We talked about marriage, finances and even started looking for a home. My partner proposed to me a few months later and when it came to planning out a wedding and buying that home, he told me that he had zero dollars saved. With an engagement ring on my finger the truth finally started pouring out and I found out that his finances were all a lie and looking for a home all this time was also a huge waste of time. I was devistated that he could lie to me about something so big as to planning out our future together and still expects me to marry him. I am not a gold digger by any means and I have worked hard and saved my share for the down payment on a home and wedding. I ended up breaking up with him and sometimes doubt my decision was a good one because I do love him, however, I am so scared to be married to a liar. Did I do the right thing or should I give him a second chance?
I'm really sorry to hear that you are going through this. It's horrible to be lied to by someone you love, especially if that person is the one with whom you have chosen to spend the rest of your life.

I am someone who strongly values honesty and the truth, and this wasn't just a little white lie. If I was in your position, I'd probably wonder what else he might have been lying about during the course of the relationship, just because of the huge violation of trust that had taken place. I'd probably also question his ability to be honest about things in the future, as well. In my eyes, a relationship that has its foundation based on lies isn't a strong relationship at all.

That said, I'm not in your shoes. I don't feel what you feel for him, and I don't know him as you do. According to your post, your intuition kicked in early in regard to the stories he was telling you. On some level, you knew something wasn't quite right. I guess I'm going to answer your question with a few questions of my own. Do you believe that he is now telling you the complete truth? Do you feel that he has the capacity to be honest from here on out? Can you work with him to get past this, or is this something that will always be in the back of your mind (will you always suspect him of lying)? Because if you will always wonder, I don't see how this can work.

Only you can make the decision here as to what is best for you, and I don't really think you're going to find that answer here on the boards. You need to look within yourself and be honest with yourself about what you can handle and accept. Ending a relationship that has gone as far as yours did is not easy, but I'm guessing since you referred to him as liar more than once in your post, you've probably made the right decision in ending the relationship.

I wish you the best of luck.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #3  July 27,2009, 8:35pm
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I don't know how old you are. I don't think a couple has to buy a house immediately upon marriage. If you are both 20ish and don't mind renting, that is one thing. If you are 30+ you're probably both ready for more stability.

I'm also unclear if he wanted to buy the house, or if you did, and he was just "going along to get along." Who bought the ring, by the way? I ask that, because I actually knew a woman who bought her own!

I can't tell from what you've said if he really did lie, or if he just failed to disclose. The last house I sold was to a nice young newlywed couple with no down payment and 100% financing.

I can tell you that at my age (58) I would want to know the man had at least as much as me, if not more. But I'm guessing you're alot younger than me...
 
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loonycanadian is offline loonycanadian Post #4  July 27,2009, 9:08pm
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is thinking of buying a house...

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It may be hard to see this as a black-and-white issue but I think it is. That was some whopper! Do you want to live with someone for the rest of your life who can lie like that? No way! Follow your gut--and stay far away.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #5  July 27,2009, 9:10pm
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I don't know how old you are. I don't think a couple has to buy a house immediately upon marriage. If you are both 20ish and don't mind renting, that is one thing. If you are 30+ you're probably both ready for more stability.

I'm also unclear if he wanted to buy the house, or if you did, and he was just "going along to get along." Who bought the ring, by the way? I ask that, because I actually knew a woman who bought her own!

I can't tell from what you've said if he really did lie, or if he just failed to disclose. The last house I sold was to a nice young newlywed couple with no down payment and 100% financing.

I can tell you that at my age (58) I would want to know the man had at least as much as me, if not more. But I'm guessing you're alot younger than me...
You also might want to check to see if your engagement ring is a cubic zirconia. Not joking, dead serious.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #6  July 28,2009, 5:17am
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Leave him and choose to love an honest man. Save yourself years of misery and move on. Just the fact that he does not have half of the down payment is unacceptable. If you choose to carry 100% of the responsiblity, while absolving him of any, while you carry the full weight of that alone, do not be surprised if down the road, there will be other areas where he will "allow" you to carry the full weight because you've already demonstrated the willingness to carry the weight of this.

Hold him responsible and accountable. He's (presumably) an adult, yet he is not acting like one. Expect nothing less than an equal and an equally contributing partner. He has nothing to bring to the table or put on the table in this area. There will be other areas that will also be damaging to your and your children's happiness and well-being.

How is he investing in your future while he sits back and you do all the work. Invest in yourself, your kids, and your own future happiness and move on or at least take a serious step back.

If it were me, I would tell him I have no interest in buying a home w/ someone who has nothing to contribute to the downpayment. Instead, I'll buy a house on MY OWN (which you already are) for myself and my children. The time has come to go our separate ways.

As an example, say you have 10K towards a down payment. Unless he comes to table w/ an amount that is acceptable to you, you can say NO. You'll take half of what you have and put it into a CD or some other interest bearing accout for your children's college eduation or whatever you decide and expect that he bring 5K to the table, otherwise you will not be purchasing a house "WITH" him, b/c you would not be. There is no way I would be accepting of the situation as he has presented it to you; it is to me unacceptable.

This is just one issue. Sounds to me there are too many serious ones that are still unresovled and unchanged to even consider moving in.

As long as you choose to allow him to be unaccountable for his adult reponsibilities...he will be. It's your choice. Choose wisely and empower yourself by communicating what you need and want from him. And if he can't or chooses not to give it, move on and find a mature honest respectful partner.

If you choose to support dishonesty and mistrust than that is exactly what you will have in life....b/c that is what YOU are choosing to support.
Last edited by pamcam; July 28,2009 at 5:31am.
 
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Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #7  July 28,2009, 5:35am
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Here is a question which requires some soul searching.

Why do you love this man? I ask this because if he lied to you about his finances and lead you on in that respect, what else has he lead you to believe? Is what you love true? Or is it all a lie?
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #8  July 28,2009, 5:39am
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j0hn8andy wrote :
I don't know how old you are. I don't think a couple has to buy a house immediately upon marriage. If you are both 20ish and don't mind renting, that is one thing. If you are 30+ you're probably both ready for more stability.

I'm also unclear if he wanted to buy the house, or if you did, and he was just "going along to get along." Who bought the ring, by the way? I ask that, because I actually knew a woman who bought her own!

I can't tell from what you've said if he really did lie, or if he just failed to disclose. The last house I sold was to a nice young newlywed couple with no down payment and 100% financing.

I can tell you that at my age (58) I would want to know the man had at least as much as me, if not more. But I'm guessing you're alot younger than me...

Even so......a man should be able to look his SO in the eye and tell her that this is not something that he can afford to do at the moment. It's not just about the downpayment - it's about being able to pay the mortgage.

It seems to me that there are some serious communication and possibly miscommunication issues here. OP before you make any decisions one way or another you need to sort them out. Did you create some kind of extreme pressure about buying a house? Is he lying or are you perhaps not listening to what he says? His financial issues - how did they come about? Have they always been or is it some recent issue that he was terrified to talk to you about for awhile?
 
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Shelby is offline Shelby Post #9  July 28,2009, 5:49am
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If you don't feel you can trust him, DO NOT MARRY HIM. Trust is the foundation of a good marriage, and he has given you enough clues that he cannot be trusted. The red flags are waving in your face.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #10  July 28,2009, 6:17am

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Your post is rather emotional with only a little factual information, but you got your point across.
The reality is that you maybe looking at a guy that is a con-man and also a possible swindle of $400,000. The first thing that you should do is a background check and see what he looks like on paper. I would go to a Private Investigator rather then a net investigation of a paperwork trail.
There are many people that pathological liars and con-man are swindlers.
Think about it, if he was planning on spending the rest of his life with you, why wouldn't he come clean with you? How did you find out?

So before you make any decisions let the P.I. furnish you with a report with a factual history and then you can make some hard decisions.

My personal view is "Integrity" something one learns at an early age and carries you through life. It's not something that you can fake or buy so if you can't trust him move on.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; July 28,2009 at 6:22am.
 
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