Advice! met great guy who happens to be felon


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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #61  August 6,2009, 8:50pm
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letsdrive wrote :
I wouldn't automatically give him the boot. However, I would be very cautious about going forward, especially when you have a child to consider as well as yourself. The biggest concern, of course, is whether he has really left alcohol/drug problems in the past. Then beyond that what other effects this past still has on him. I would pay close attention to his relationships with other people. Does he have close relationships with other people? What kind of people does he choose to spend his time with? The people we surround ourselves with can tell someone a lot about what is most important to us and provide a big clue as to what we can expect from this person in the future. Pay attention to how he treats his family & even people that you come in contact with when you are together. No matter how well someone treats you in the early stages, you always get to meet the side of them that waiters & the people they work with could probably tell you about if you were to ask them.
I agree. There are a lot of people out there who have done some very bad things and you would never know because they didn't get caught. So you should go into this cautiously, but you should do that with anyone you date.
 
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serene8 is offline serene8 Post #62  August 6,2009, 9:21pm
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Hi, I hate to be a wet blanket. I am jaded because of my experience, so that is my bias. DON'T DATE HIM...... Please. I had a friend of 15 years who had been put in jail for stealing from his work. When he got out he called me to talk and we ended up dating. I met his parole officer. He had everyone of us fooled. A year later he had stolen from me and dropped off the face of the earth leaving me with the bill. I spoke to his parole officer and guess what she said to me, What did you expect, you were dating a felon? Then she said there was nothing I could do about it. I was convinced he was a good guy. I wish I was smart like you to get advice before I let him in my life. Please, keep me posted.
 
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SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #63  August 6,2009, 10:37pm
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I'm still trying to get over the fact that "felon" & "great guy" were used in the same sentence...
 
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SaraD is offline SaraD Post #64  August 6,2009, 11:02pm
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I don't know whether it is best for you to continue this relationship or not. However, I am a substance abuse counselor and can suggest a few things you might look for. It's important to understand that the American Medical Association views addiction as a disease. It is not curable, but it is treatable. It has biological, psychological, social and spiritual components.

Addicts violating their own moral compass while in active addiction is pretty much the norm, because the disease is progressive and use is uncontrollable. As is often said in the meetings, one is too many and a thousand is never enough. One who begins with drinking who says he will never use anything else may wind up with a needle full of heroin in his arm. No matter how many years of clean time someone with the disease of addiction has, there is always a risk of relapse. However, the more years clean and sober, the less likely a relapse is to occur. Also, the disease progresses even if the addict is clean and sober, so every relapse is generally worse than the one before.

Having said that, the best approach we have at this point is the 12 Steps, although not the only approach that can work. Is your friend actively involved in AA, NA, CA, etc., more than just the occasional meeting? Is he doing service work? Does he work with a sponsor? Does he have sponsees he supports in working the steps? Does he have a circle of sober supports that he remains in close contact with? What is his spiritual practice?

It may be helpful for you to go to a meeting or two with him. It may also be helpful for you to go to Alanon or Naranon, the 12 Step programs for friends and families of alcoholics and addicts. You can find those meetings through an online search for the national websites.

I hope this is helpful.
 
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SaraD is offline SaraD Post #65  August 6,2009, 11:04pm
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P.S. My experience is that people who have had an issue with addiction who are working a strong program of recovery can be some of the most amazing people you could ever hope to meet.
 
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JDavid is offline JDavid Post #66  August 6,2009, 11:23pm
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Davmor,

Thank you for a very insightful post. It must have been difficult to write. You know more about this topic from a personal perspective than probably anyone speaking here.

davmor1967 wrote :
I spent 16 months in prison in 1999-2000. I pled no contest to a theft charge and agreed to the "pound of flesh" that the company wanted. I did something wrong and paid my debt.
Many of us have probably done as bad or worse things than you did, but were not caught. Of course, "selective memory" and denial prevent people from realizing or acknowledging such things about themselves.

davmor1967 wrote :
I was married at the time and my wife waited during the period I was gone. When I was released we relocated to the area where I did work release and started a family. Through other circumstances we ended up divorcing about 5 years ago (she left to live with her boss).
Condolences on the eventual outcome. Was any deceit involved on her part?

davmor1967 wrote :
I have a 7 year old daughter and the state was happy enough with what I had done after prison that after two years of fighting, I was awared primary custody of my daughter.
The court decision speaks loudly.

davmor1967 wrote :
I haven't dated much at all since the divorce because I believe that I should be totally up front about my past. Several friends have told me that I shouldn't say anything until I need to; I don't believe that is fair to the other person. I have found that everything starts out great, but as soon as I talk about my past the situation changes. At first I would be emotionally whipped, but now it doesn't bother me so much.
It is commendable that you are honest and straightforward. As we see in this thread, that will result in instant rejection by many people – BUT, more significantly, there are also many people who do NOT reject, and who will "date with caution".

ALL of us have "reasons to reject" – we're too tall, too short, too heavy, to skinny, too successful, not successful enough, too old, too young, etc, etc, etc. However, people seem to find relationships in spite of their "failings". You just have one that is easier to identify and reject than many others AND you are honest enough to "lay it on the line" early.

Many "tales of woe" sung in these threads involve destructive personality characteristics that are, in my opinion, far more damaging to relationships than "a past" or past mistakes.

Evidently those who cast stones here do not realize or acknowledge that their house contains glass.

davmor1967 wrote :
You would be so surprised to know how many felons work with you, go to church with you, shop at Wal-Mart with you and travel the same roads.
Yes, a very substantial portion of our population (particularly males and particularly black males) have been imprisoned.

wrote :
More than 5.6 million Americans are in prison or have served time there, according to a new report by the Justice Department released Sunday. That's 1 in 37 adults living in the United States, the highest incarceration level in the world.

If current trends continue, it means that a black male in the United States would have about a 1 in 3 chance of going to prison during his lifetime. For a Hispanic male, it's 1 in 6; for a white male, 1 in 17.

US notches world's highest incarceration rate | csmonitor.com
 
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leolawyer is offline leolawyer Post #67  August 7,2009, 12:45am
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Listen this is a bad review for the people who are trying to start a new life and getting back on track. Everybody is against this guy but dont know the degrees he has to offer. I am not against the other responses take them into thought PLEASE. But then again a child sex offender is trash to me anyway I look at it as he will never change he will be trash. Opinions are different but look for the signs of a relapse. He could be someone who wants to change his life around, start a family and a relationship. I say give him a chance, I didnt tell the cashier that she gave me 10 more dollars but look at the signs these forums are giving you and decide for yourself.
 
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mindful is offline mindful Post #68  August 7,2009, 2:19am
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Something similar actually happened to me. I was concerned but spoke with him about it & he put my mind at rest & we started a relationship. He had many wonderful qualities but to cut a long story short, after 8 years we broke up & 18 months later I'm still recovering. Basically he didnt tell me the whole truth, it was partly deliberate deception, & partly that our versions of normal were so different.

There were many situations where he never thought that his ways were out of the ordinary. Example - his idea of no drug use was that he had used all types of drugs regularly, including daily cocaine and marijuana, plus pills. His idea of not using drugs still involved smoking pot a few times a week, which to him was nothing. It never occurred to him that he had never had sex while unaffected by drugs - either planning to have drugs, being drugged, or coming down from drugs. So he had a lot of trouble with sex while totally clean. That lifestyle involves a lot of other things - dishonesty, cheating, prostitutes etc. I found out later that his previous partner was a prostitute, that's how he met her. I believe now he still had sex with her after we got together. He also got addicted to porn. When he started he saw nothing wrong with it - again in the world he was used to porn use was very common.

Lying was no problem to him, this had been a huge part of his lifestyle. He could tell me any lie, he was very good at it. In his world it was a "dog eat dog" world - you do whatever you can to look after number 1. Lying is normal to protect your own ass, or to get what you want. Whoever mentioned about psychopaths was so right. I'm quite convinced my guy was a psychopath - I also read excerpts of a similar book and it chilled me. They are so out of touch with their real feelings, they can be very cold, often genuine feelings and concern are not authentic even though they may seem as if they are. They can say and do almost anything if it suits their purposes, they have no conscience.

There was also the memory loss and brain snaps. He would forget things, and he would go into strange moods or tempers, often because he took something the wrong way. This is common due to brain damage and a disordered personality.

He eventually gave up pot but it really didnt help at all, he had too many ingrained problems and more and more came out over time. I'm still finding out about all the lies that were told and discovering things that I never realised at the time. He was the master of hiding even the smallest things about himself if he thought it might have a negative reaction.

I think it's great if someone can get clean and sober, and your guy might be totally clean which is a credit to him. But even if he is not a con-man or a psychopath, he will still have residual damage and skeletons that will come back to haunt him and you, and you just dont need that. That's best case scenario.
 
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DaLionsQueen is offline DaLionsQueen Post #69  August 7,2009, 3:16am
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I have never been in this situation so my advice can be taken with a grain of salt. :-)
I do know people who did stupid things early in life (late teen/early twenties), got arrested, etc. but now in their forties they are totally different and would never pull those stunts today like they did back then. That having been said (to my knowledge) drugs and alcohol weren't involved but insecurity was. They were addicted to people and approval and would risk any and everything to get it. Maybe that's another form of addiction that is different but to me an addiction is an addiction - period. I feel kinda bad b/c it seems ex-felons struggle in every area of their lives (employment, etc.) and this is just another way to punish them for past crimes. Are we saying ex-felons should only date other ex-felons b/c no-one else would want them? That's kinda sad but at the same time I can't say that I would date an ex-felon either so... there you go. It's a tough call.
 
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TeddyBear78704 is offline TeddyBear78704 Post #70  August 7,2009, 4:23am
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I understand your concern and I encourage you to follow what God and your heart lead you to do.

It appears that your friend is an alcoholic and drug addict. If that's the case, then he has a disease, a disease which is very powerful. The good news is that there is a way out through working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). If your friend is actively involved in AA and/or Narcotics Anonymous (NA), has a sponsor and works the steps then he has had a psychic change. It's this change which you are apparently seeing. He doesn't do the things he used to do.

We alcoholics do a lot of things when we are drinking and active in our disease which may be morally repugnant and get us into trouble in all of our relationships which could include those with the law. Your friend certainly had these problems. Just because a person has the disease of alcoholism does not mean that they don't have a moral compass. The problem for many of us is that when we're drinking or using, our inability to live up to our own moral standards causes a lot of guilt which leads to more drinking. The good news is that there is total freedom available to any alcoholic or drug addict who wants it by joining AA, getting a sponsor and working the 12 steps of AA.

I have two friends in the program who met in AA about 10 years ago and are very happily married. She was in prison for the second or third time when she got sober, worked the steps, had a psychic change and her life is entirely different than it was when she was using, just as mine is.

It's true that those of us with addictive personalities can switch addictions as was certainly the case with me. What has been true for me; however, is that I have freedom today from every addiction I've had - and there have been a lot of them -by working the 12 steps of AA. If your friend is working the 12 steps of AA, is involved in the fellowship, is doing service work, has a sponsor and is sponsoring other people, the chances of a relapse are very low. In fact, I have never seen anyone who works the steps in their live on a daily basis go back out and drink. I recently picked up my 21 year chip in AA. I "do the deal" everyday of my life, as my life depends on it. I have seen people go back out when they stop doing the AA program.

I am in communication with someone who has actually been in AA longer than I have. She's had two relapses and has been clean and sober for several years now. I had a question about what this meant for her and I decided that I would follow God's direction and continue to explore our relationship. I put God at the center of all of my relationships today and God always gives me exactly what I need. I don't know what will happen with my friend and I, and I am open to the exploration. Just because I explore the relationship doesn't mean that I am going to marry the person. To me, it's about seeing if this is the right person for me and vice versa. I'll do my footwork and then make my decision.

I'm planning on going slow and I encourage you to do so, also. The other thing I would encourage you to do is to go to Al-anon, for families and friends of alcoholics, and find out something about the disease of alcoholism. You'll find people there who can support you in your process and I encourage you to take advantage of that resource. I have been doing so for over 21 years (I started Al-anon six months before I got sober in AA) and Al-anon really helps me to keep the focus on myself rather than on the other person and what they are doing.

Your answer may come in many different ways and ultimately it will come from within you, at least that's the case for me, as that is where I believe God exists - in each of us. Trust God and He will never lead you astray.
 
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