Advice! met great guy who happens to be felon


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psychometristgirl is offline psychometristgirl Post #41  August 6,2009, 3:56pm
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First of all - I am with all of the others who have suggested to move on. Personally, I am very much a liberal and tend to have empathy for just about anyone - but my motto is to keep it in my work (I am a counselor and I also work in rehabilitation services) - that way I get it out of my system! In my personal life, I have much higher standards - as it is the way it should be.

If you continue with this guy, you will be taking quite a risk - ask yourself some soul searching questions (you don't say much about your own background) - do you like danger and that's what you are attracted to? Have you yourself had some run in with the law so that you two are on the same wavelength? If the answer to both of these is "no" - you have your answer.
 
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anyonethere is offline anyonethere Post #42  August 6,2009, 3:57pm
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run! been there done that. I was in a relationship with a guy who had a criminal record for the same things. I gave him a chance thinking oh he wants to start his life over and do good for himself. A year and a half later we married. Things went downhill he started stealing, lying, drugs ad not coming home. I ended up pregnant with his son who is now 4. I divorced him, because he did not want to change. He has been back in prision since and got out a year ago. His son has no idea of who he is. I made a bad choice, but do not regreat it for the world because of my son. I know you should give everyone a chance and some people can change, but my ex did not, and all the friends he had that were in prision with him, none of them ever changed either. So good luck with your decision, just thought someone with the same kinda situation may help you make your decision. hope its a good one! Good luck
 
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notjoe is offline notjoe Post #43  August 6,2009, 4:03pm
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D_Lion wrote :
I have met a few people at one job I had who had been convicted of crimes; a couple of these were violent crimes. I would say they were no different than the other workers at that job, and one was much better. Unfortunately, he had been fired from a job at three times the pay, once his prior employer found out he lied on his application – and this about an incident years ago. So, I agree with your fear.

A lot of the US population is, or has been, incarcerated: about 1% of men at any given time, a rate far in excess of the norm for western nations.

In my opinion, you take an increased risk to become involved with this man, with no offsetting reward. That said, he did tell you the truth, and I am sure you have been, and will be, exposed to others who may not.

I do not think I would go forward in a case like this, but if you do I think you should be extra vigilant for all the customary dangers – asking to borrow money, trying to seclude you from your friends and family, or using his situation as an excuse for why he needs to lean on you.

My reading of what studies I have seen is that most men involved in crime at a young age do “age out” of it as they grow older, but I do not recall percentages.
You cant compare apples and oranges. The western nations are more tolerant of things such as possession of pot. Do your homework and you'll find other examples.

As for people with criminal pasts, i know a couple of people who have been tried and convicted of something or another and are very successful in with a legitimate job.


OP:
I would personally draw the line if he has any violent crimes. If its something that happened so many years ago i wouldnt be too concerned, especially because he was honest with you. That has to count for something.

I would just keep my eyes open going into this until you get to know him much better.
 
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SpookyMulder is offline SpookyMulder Post #44  August 6,2009, 4:04pm
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robcrowl wrote :
I am not at all religious but never has this quote made more sense:
"Let him who is without sin cast the first stone!!!"
Your quoting that passage out of context, and does not apply to this situation. Christ, who was without sin, was demonstrating his (and his alone) ability to forgive sin, though the woman was condemned to death.

This man in question has served his time and if he is truly reformed, he gets a second chance at some things, but not all. Part of the lasting consequences of his mistake, is people will rightly regard him with due suspicion and caution. And rightly so!

The original poster would be unwise to not use extreme caution proceeding with this relationship.
 
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crys428 is offline crys428 Post #45  August 6,2009, 4:20pm
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OK, I'm really surprised to see all these past posts saying leave him. I have to speak on his behalf...

First, people in sobriety (as in they still work a program with AA or NA), are people striving to be better. If he's actually been sober and clean for 13 years, and hasn't been involved in that activity in over ten years, then YES give him a chance! Does he go to meetings? Ask him. If he says yes, and you believe him, give him the chance.

Here's why I say that:
I am a female addict. I've been sober for two years, in in that short amount of time I've turned my life around. I was lucky enough to never get put in jail or anything, but almost EVERY addict and alcoholic (while active) has done illegal stuff. And the stealing thing....well...here's the truth about addicts and stealing. When we are in our addiction we will do ANYTHING to get our next hit, including theft. We can't live without it (until we discover "the program"). I know it's hard for people who aren't addicts to understand, but basically, an addict HAS to get his next hit. When they've had enough and are willing to try something different they discover the program, the twelve steps, that whole bit. The twelve steps are important because it's an addict's first chance to at least TRY to right the people he's wronged. If your boyfriend is in the program and works it, he's done that, and he's had 13 YEARS of improvement.
People with that much sobriety tend to be AMAZING catches, compared with ALL people, because they've spent so many years working on being good to others and fair and right.
So I say, if you think he's actively sober (working a program) then GIVE HIM A CHANCE!
It took a while for me to tell my boyfriend about my past, and he trusts that I've worked to change, and he can't even believe I was ever the person I used to be.

S
 
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brian_r is offline brian_r Post #46  August 6,2009, 4:22pm
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This is where a good long hard look in the mirror does one good. Obviously a certain degree of care is required in a relationship with someone who is a recovering addict. But we all have our faults and shortcomings. Some are addicts. Some are controlling women. Some are emotionally unavailable. Some have walls ten feet high and ten feet thick.

The question really to consider is not whether I should ever get involved with a person who is a recovering addict. The question is this:

Is the potential payoff (a relationship founded on honesty, open communication, and unconditional love) worth the risks of dating someone with an addiction in their past?

Keep in mind, if you are emotionally unavailable, controlling, or scared of intimacy, you too have issues that are just as unattractive as addiction. Those guys who admit their faults shouldn't be condemned for it. Women want a guy who will admit when he's wrong, stand up to the challenge and fight head-on. But those men want a woman who will support them, realize that all men screw up, and are loving and forgiving.

I should know. I am a recovering addict-- both drugs and alcohol. We have a lot of life experience to offer. And there is risk involved with us, too, just as with everyone. But we're all flawed people.

When you judge someone, you are admitting that there is a standard to be judged by, and tacitly offer yourself to be judged by that same standard by others.

Or as the Bible says: Judge not, lest ye be judged.
 
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jmc1951 is offline jmc1951 Post #47  August 6,2009, 4:33pm
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Hi Girl: The important issue here is not the x felon, it is you. Why would you even for a microsecond consider associating with someone with his past? If your 20 year old daughter, sister or any good friend came to you with this story you would be horrified and send out a swat team to save them from themselves. Get to a counsellor fast and explore the reasons why you devalue yourself so much that you would disconnect your frontal lobes and place yourself in a dangerous situation. I agree with the member who asked why you didn't know about his past until after he had your attention?
 
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rsdntwzrd is offline rsdntwzrd Post #48  August 6,2009, 4:55pm
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I am ashamed of all the run away, run away "christian/spiritual" hypocrites that are forgetting the basic message left by Jesus, Mohamed and a couple of other good, kind prophets...Don't judge others until you know ALL the facts, forgiveness and love for your fellow man. Cripes if this guy was gay you'd all want to shoot him. I am an addict and I spent a couple of nights in Baltimore City Jail after getting nailed for DUI. Would you all shun me based on those two facts?!? Holier than thou folks are the ones to watch out for. However! the two of you need to call in a third party and need to learn how to COMMUNICATE. Someone said something about what if an ex-con buddy decided to move in? Now that is the most paranoid thing I've heard in a long time...Get a freakin' life!
Last edited by rsdntwzrd; August 6,2009 at 5:12pm. Reason: read more needed to reply more
 
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ace60 is offline ace60 Post #49  August 6,2009, 4:57pm
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I always believe in giving a person a second chance. We are all human and we do faulter. But I do agree with others that you should do a background and check all his financial paper, like a credit report before you move on. Sometime x-offenders will water down their crimes. You need to do your own investigation and decide if this is somethig you can deal with.
In addition, you need to keep in mind what kind of a life style you want for you and your child. His past offense can greatly influence employment opportunities and that is a disaster especially if you are trying to live a better life. Has he done anything to upgrade his working skills? Gone back to school. I know the goverment will pay for schooling for any x felons. Has he gone through therapy. Is he still in parole? What exactly did he do?
And if you have to let go,please do it early in the relation before you become too invested. And keep in mind that there are a lot of great guys out there, that believe in God, will love you and your child and do not have a previous felony record.
 
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torabora is offline torabora Post #50  August 6,2009, 5:13pm
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I think your question deserves more thought that the previous replies suggest. Certainly, your date's past is problematical, and most importantly because you are a single mom (I am one too). My college boyfriend was later convicted for felony drug possession, and served jail time in an un-air-conditioned prison in VA in the summer. It was brutal on many levels. Within a few years, he was in AA and has never looked back. He is a very successful technology salesperson (and still a good friend), has two beautiful sons, and a really neat wife whom he loves very much. He is the ideal family guy on so many levels. His wife, however, still (after 20 years of his sobriety) gets freaked out that he might relapse, and it is a problem in their relationship. He's a good bet in my opinion to remain sober for the rest of his life - he has a lot to live for, is happier now than he has ever been, and through his family and his work is validated and supported in his sobriety. What MAY break them up is her uncertainty.

That's a lot to absorb, I'm sure. I offer the following questions/food for thought as you make your decision:

1) He says he's been sober for 13 years. Have you met any friends or family who can confirm that? If his sister whom he as only recently reconnected with, for example, implies that he has not been sober for those 13 years, be alarmed. How many of his friend and family members have you met? What vibe did you get from them? I wouldn't get too wrapped up about God at this point - that's too easy to fake (and often is in the worst sorts). Think about actions first, and how they reflect values, not whether he is big R or little r religious (that will come if the first two things are there).

2) What are the circumstances of his crimes (those that he served time for and those that he might have been accused of but not convicted of - this is verifiable with a background check), and if you doubt him - which you seem to do - check this out now), when did they occur (was he "sober"then?), and, finally, what were the true natures of his crimes? This last point is important before you EVER introduce him to your child or give him your address. If any charges were filed since he came clean (i.e. less han 13 years ago) _RUN!!

3) If the above checks out (and be thorough), then have a frank yet respectful discussion about his career prospects. It is important to you, as you mentioned that in your questions, and be realistic about your standing regarding your job and/or career versus his. Maybe he's in the wrong profession - one that doesn't inquire about felony convictions. Many do not.

This may sound a little harsh, but if you didn't attend college or graduate school and have a solidly average position (and there is nothing wrong with that), you shouldn't expect this guy (or any other) to be compatible if he is far down on the work/ambition scale OR if he scores very highly is career/monetary success. Like gets along much better with like. Be honest about yourself AND about him.

I hope this helps - your situation may be a good one. I met my husband (not a felon) on eHarmony, and I have lots of great things to say about it. The most important, however, were that we were truly compatible, had almost identical values (and we're not religious), were looking for the same thing, and last but not least, we are both emotionally mature (FINALLY!!)

Best of luck to you and your daughter.
 
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