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katria is offline katria Post #1  July 27,2009, 12:30pm
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Ok I just guess I need to vent im so confused and hurt. Heres the thing I was married early in my 20s to a very possessive man and very abusive. I had a child and to make sure my child lived and I lived I left him. I became a single parent. I dated alot of the wrong types of men all with problems and finally vowed I would not let this happen again. No drug addicts or alcholics ect. I began playing a online game and met a guy way younger then myself. He and I became friends. he constantly flirted and said age didnt matter. We dated for 2 yrs and engaged for 1 of those yrs and married. Life has not been as I had hoped. He spent endless amounts of time on the computer and the only way I fit into his life was to also become invoved in his gaming community. I love gaming as well. However I have always seen more to life than sitting playing a online game every free moment we got, He wouldnt work or if he did he always seemed to get fired from his job for being late and then it would take several months before he'd find another one. I did all the cooking cleaning and would rarely ask him to help with anything. I got a huge settlement before we got married from a auto accident so that is how I payed my bills. Anyways I know sex shouldnt be a key thing in any relationship. But it turned into a major problem. When we first got together we seemed to had alot of sex. But he was very inexperienced and it was always quick. I figured it would get better as time went on and it did in some ways. I fell deeply in love with this guy. However the gaming and the always wanting his way started getting to me because our sex life and everything else suffered due to the gaming habits he has. I knew he was a hard core gamer when I met him. I just kinda figured he would sorta outgrow it a bit. SO THE lack of physical attention started eating on me. AND I became a nag and worse we started having petty fights over it. I felt like he had married his computer and not me. In return he gamed even harder and felt like I degraded him alot.. which I prob did. During this time we lost 2 babies which I doubt either of us really dealt with fully. We ended up taking in my sisters infants due to issues in her life the kept her from wanting them. He and I thougth it was a temp situation. He didnt want kids but fell in love with them and we adopted them. the gaming continued to be a prob. due to lack of sex. 1 time a month or 2times a month was all there was. So I became more angry and he began to resent me. We finally moved to a house as the apt was too small. He seemed happy was barely holding on to a job. due to his getting to work on time skills. I mean ok if he woke up late. instead of hopping in the shower for a quick shower or even forgoing a shower that morning he would still take 1 hr shower and be late. I thought things were going ok except this sex problem. it seemed to be the biggest thing we fought about or if I said we couldnt afford something he wanted I always fought about it and then felt guilty and tried to give him what he wanted even if it cost us not paying for something else.. ok yeah I know im stupid. So as I tried to make a home, we took in a child with downs as a foster kid. I spent all my time on this kid and the other children and still gamed with my husband. Money troubles hit. AND we got into a fight about money and sex.. blah blah blah. then I he tells me that he had been talking to this young attractive girl at work about our problems she is only 21. I felt betrayed and hurt and jealous. as I have no one to talk to even now no one cept here. He tells me He loves me but is no longer in love with me or finds me attractive. He tells me this the day our adoption of the foster child went thru. He tells me he wants to leave, I explain that that is a fine mess as we cant afford 2 seperate house holds. I begged him to work it out so he decides he will. we talked about counsling. I TOLD him i KNOW I have plenty of faults and would work on mine. He told me that he doesnt beleive in counsling but would try it.. then later on said things seemed to be getting better and we really didnt need it. I have begged him to go to the doctors but he has 1000 escuses why he cant. The sex life changed for a brief period of time. and then went back to the same ol same ol. A YR has gone by now and now we are back to the same issues as before him wanting to leave me with 3 kids our money is tighter then it was back then AND to top it off im really sick. which he seems to think I am trying to use to keep him here. My mother said he is alot of talk and to not worry bout him leaving as he has never done 1/2 of what he said he would and procrastinates constantly. I love this man.. our sex life is horrible. and this time it all started again when he decided he wanted to do graphic arts..I have supported him in this because he is good at it. we even got him into a college class that hewanted to take but he dropped out because gaming was more important earlier on in our relationship. So this girl at work middle 20's is a photographer and invited him to share his talents and hers she shoots nude females and he can have the pics or direct the poses but in return he gives her the pics back that hes changed for her portflio. He invited me to a shoot so I wouldnt feel insecure or anything I went had fun felt at ease to a point. Although these girls are young and skinny. I am older and after loosing 2 babies the weight gained doesnt drop like Id like. The next day after the shoot he came home at lunch and told me the photograpeher asked I not come anymore as over 1/2 the pics she couldnt use as I have a sprirt around me and it put shadows all over most of the pics. Mind you it was also my husbands 1st time going to this shoot too I felt offended and hurt and said how can she say it is me.. It could be him or something else Id like to see these pics. The photographer is married dont know bout the model. So he finally showed me the pics and it looked more like a lighting issue. Anyways He was upset bout how I responded. But I thought we'd move past it and continue on with life. The sex talks I did mybest to say it nice and sweet.. and this past fri night we went to see a movie he wanted to see. when we were leaving I got a bit upset as he jetted away to the car and all I tried to say was maybe you didnt realise it but you constantly walk in front of me and not with me and it hurts.. SO he became angry and did everything so that he could leave that night. He took our car keys and walked . leaving me with a car no keys no clue what was up. He called the next moring and finally came home he was at the photgraphers house that night. He has been acting weird since the photo shoot like going jogging at dusk til 11:30 pm.. which he never has done before but its time again for him to get in shape I was worried and angry because on the joggin night he whisperd to me about something special happening that night but it never happened. Then he slept on the photograpers couch and came home to tell me.. I am not in love with you. I do not find you attractive anymore. I want a divorce. But again our finances will not provide for the 2 seperate household. I dont know what to do. I love him and want our marriage to work. When we get along we get along well. It to me is a sex thing. I feel like alot of this has to do with him wanting to marry too young. and missing out on his 20's and seeing young pretty girls and also the stress of 3 kids which it is hard to get him to interact with them 10 mins here or there but not much more as they bore him. what do I do.. pls be kind
 
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When_I_See_You_Smile is offline When_I_See_You_Smile Post #2  July 27,2009, 2:07pm
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Katria,

Welcome to the boards! Will you please go back and re-format your post? Paragraphs are much easier to read, and will encourage more people to respond. Also, changing the title of your thread, to highlight the nature of your post, will help. Right now, it's deterring people away.

Thanks,
WISYS
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #3  July 27,2009, 2:56pm
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First. Why in the world would you bring a special needs kid (along with the other two) into a household where your husband has shown he can't even keep a job ?

Second. You decided to stay away from alcoholics and addicts...you still found an addict, his addiction is gaming.

Third. Your sex life will not get better. It just won't. If you stay with this guy, it will only get worse.

Last. Chances are, he's already cheating on you. If you're both this miserable now, do you really see being together for 50 more years ? Honestly ? There are a lot of good guys out there, stop settling for losers.

If it sounded harsh, I apologize. Best of luck.
 
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When_I_See_You_Smile is offline When_I_See_You_Smile Post #4  July 27,2009, 3:11pm
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Katria,

Thanks for providing a full picture of the situation. First of all, I'm sorry that you're going through this. (((((Big Hugs)))))

My initial reaction is that this relationship is not healthy, and you're doing yourself a big disservice by staying with him.

Your post included a lot of information, so I'll try to comment on things individually:

1. The Gaming -- Your husband should be past the point where gaming is the center of his life. True, you knew about his habits before you got married, and can't expect him to give it up entirely. However, he should have recognized the fact that he would have to compromise a little on this issue. When you take on the responsibility of getting married and having a family, the welfare of your marriage and family, should come first (not a game). I'm sorry that your husband did not feel the need to be a responsible adult.

2. The Job(s) -- Again, you deserve a husband who's ready and willing to take care of his family. It sounds like he has been content with the status quo (i.e., YOU supporting HIM). Unfortunately, you have only aided him in this mess. You have given into him, even when you had to put something else on the back-burner. The fact that your husband can't hold down a job, doesn't bode well for him. He's a grown-up, and needs to act like one.

3. Lack of Sex -- Many couples experience this problem. Sometimes, the issue stems from a lack of communication, and sometimes, the issue has more to do with a lack of respect and/or desire for one's partner. Generally, couples should discuss their expectations and desires with their partner. In your case, I'm not sure how much good that would do you. Your husband has already told you that he doesn't think you're attractive, and isn't in love with you anymore. I know those are really harsh words, but at this point, I think you have bigger problems than a lack of sex.

Btw, the right guy for you, is going to be attracted to you, and want to be with you. So, something to look forward to.

4. The Photography Situation -- I, too, think it was rude for the photographer to tell you that you aren't welcome at the studio anymore, and that there's some kind of negative spirit around you. I think you have every right to be upset about this.

Also, I'm not sure what else is going on here, but the n.ude pics, combined with your husband's weird behavior (going out jogging late at night, sleeping on the photographer's couch, etc...), is suspicious.

5. Your Children -- Perhaps the most alarming part of your story here, is that your husband took on the responsibility of raising three children, yet he's not fulfilling his obligations. Your children deserve a father, who's responsible enough to hold onto a job, and who enjoys spending time with his kids.

So, I think it's time for you to take a step back, and really think about the facts here. The way I see it... you deserve much better!

In the end, I think you'll make the right decision, and do what's best for you and your children. One more thing, you mentioned not being able to afford two households, should you divorce. Well, it's not your responsibility to take care of this man. He's a big boy! He CAN support himself.

Katria, DO NOT agree to support him financially, for any period of time; you've already done that, and more.

It's time to stand up for yourself. Best of luck to you!

WISYS
Last edited by When_I_See_You_Smile; July 27,2009 at 3:15pm.
 
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SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #5  July 29,2009, 3:39am
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I only needed to read about half way before I saw a familiar pattern. You didn't marry a man, you married Peter Pan and one that sees you as his mum. A provider not a partner. I know that sounds harsh but nothing about this guys actions or attitude say partnership. He has just moved into your house, set up his computer and continues to live the teenage life he never left behind.

I very much doubt this guy is going to get it together anytime soon. The best you can do is stop providing for him and hopefully he'll move out leaving you to live your adult lifestyle. Sorry I'm not more optimistic, but I've never seen a case where counselling changes a person's essential nature.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #6  July 29,2009, 7:27am
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You met him where he is at mentally. You meet people where they are in life and what they are into. Had you not been online gaming, flirting, you would never have run into someone like him. Birds of a feather.

wrote :
I began playing a online game and met a guy way younger then myself. He and I became friends. he constantly flirted and said age didn't matter. We dated for 2 yrs and engaged for 1 of those yrs and married.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #7  July 29,2009, 8:23am
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Wiseman2 wrote :
You met him where he is at mentally. You meet people where they are in life and what they are into. Had you not been online gaming, flirting, you would never have run into someone like him. Birds of a feather.

What are you doing here, dear Wise Man (daily, I might add )?
And may I ask where are you mentally, at least for today?
Last edited by IcecreamMoon; July 29,2009 at 8:24am. Reason: Are there birds of a feather flying around here???
 
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batgirl is offline batgirl Post #8  July 29,2009, 8:38am
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First - reviewing your past mistakes is not productive unless it is used for reflection on how to improve yourself in the future. I find that saying "what were you thinking?!" is really not something you need right now. I will say this - counseling. It sounds like you two are pretty far down the road of growing apart. You need an impartial 3rd person to help separate the unimportant things from the IMPORTANT things. Go to your church pastor or someone other than a LSW because you need some help with him and understanding your priorities. Divorce is so devastating and too easy these days - find a connection on how to get him to work at your marriage. You have 3 kids at stake.
 
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Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #9  July 29,2009, 1:42pm
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I read your post.

I'm speechless.

Why are you making up reasons to stay with this fellow who you are obviously enabling?

He doesn't want a wife, he wants a mother.

Get a divorce, drop the kids in foster care, join the circus.

OR

Do what you feel is right. Either way you'll be better off.

If he's uninterested in sex then he's with you for another reason; It's not love obviously. I guess you are convenient. Always have been. He's just a POS who lacks any sort of self control or direction.

You should totally loose him.

I mean... really?

I think you love the idea of being with him, don't avoid the issues or try and intellectualize your feelings. Thinking logically and factually about why you need to stay together is making you avoid the fact that you must leave him.

Why put up with his baloney when you can meet a nicer person right around the corner? Just get out and join a club, be a member of a band. Start curling or join a ball league. Get off the couch, quit eating chips and hit the gym. Whatever you do, you'll meet others.

He's made his thoughts clear. He's disinterested; Don't become more emotionally attached by feeling guilty for not being what he wants. Just put his stuff in the box on the left.

As far as what to do about your home situation, he doesn't seem inclined to care so just take everything and leave. Let him sweat it out in the real world without you to clean and cook and launder him.

I'll bet you leave him and in 6 months he's begging for you back. Mark my words.

Just do what you feel is right.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #10  July 29,2009, 2:19pm
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Brilliant post , analysis and advice. I reread the OP. Wow... what a passive aggressive, emotionally abusive loser. Totally agree with below
Bouffy wrote :
I read your post.

I'm speechless.

Why are you making up reasons to stay with this fellow who you are obviously enabling?

He doesn't want a wife, he wants a mother.

Get a divorce, drop the kids in foster care, join the circus.

OR

Do what you feel is right. Either way you'll be better off.

If he's uninterested in sex then he's with you for another reason; It's not love obviously. I guess you are convenient. Always have been. He's just a POS who lacks any sort of self control or direction.

You should totally loose him.

I mean... really?

I think you love the idea of being with him, don't avoid the issues or try and intellectualize your feelings. Thinking logically and factually about why you need to stay together is making you avoid the fact that you must leave him.

Why put up with his baloney when you can meet a nicer person right around the corner? Just get out and join a club, be a member of a band. Start curling or join a ball league. Get off the couch, quit eating chips and hit the gym. Whatever you do, you'll meet others.

He's made his thoughts clear. He's disinterested; Don't become more emotionally attached by feeling guilty for not being what he wants. Just put his stuff in the box on the left.

As far as what to do about your home situation, he doesn't seem inclined to care so just take everything and leave. Let him sweat it out in the real world without you to clean and cook and launder him.

I'll bet you leave him and in 6 months he's begging for you back. Mark my words.

Just do what you feel is right.
 
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