pauljames62 is offline pauljames62 Post #1  July 24,2009, 8:02pm
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I got involved with a married women!! However we fell in love and after 6 months she had gotten her divorce papers and was ready to move in with me. We shopped for things at my house, curtains, towel racks, ect and she had moved many things in. Her daughter was going to move in also. The day before the moved she told me she was going to stay with her husband and try to make her marriage work. She told him about the affair and he pleaded for her to stay in front of her daughter and said he would change! She is 12. My children are 14, 17, and 19 and are girls also. The oldest is in college, but the other 2 live with me half time. That might have changed if this women moved in. In fact, I know it would have!! I should consider this a blessing, but I can't!! I miss her and yes in the 3 weeks we've been apart we have seen each other 3 times. Each time she tells me she loves me and the last time we were intimate!! That was a week ago, now I wait for her to call or text and I'm a nervous wreck!! I have been dating a nice woman who really likes me and I try to like her, but I keep thinking of this other woman and how great we were together!! She says I communicate with her better than her husband, yet she is still with him. I pray that she'll come back and told she can move in again!! I know I'm crazy!! Please help me, I'm 48 and should know better!!
Mike
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  July 25,2009, 11:42am

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Mike it's time for some therapy to find out what's going on with you emotionally. You could spend the next five years as her backdoor Johnny and then realizes that you let a good part of the best years of your life slip away.
Say what you will she had become a very adapt cheater and it's not at her husband's expense, it at your expense, she is now cheating on you with her husband.
Bottom Line: you deserve better and life's to short to waste it.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; July 25,2009 at 11:45am.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  July 25,2009, 12:15pm
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Hi Mike,

Sorry to be blunt here, I usually try to soften Dr Harvey's blows, but I see little to be soft about here...

1. Find yourself! And do so Fast! If that means seeing a counsellor, then yes, please do so. You need to figure out why you keep going after married women. and you have no time to waste here.

2. If you are not pursuaded yet - think about your children and what you are putting them through by your behavior. Children deserve stability in their lives, which should be provided by their parent(s) and other family members. Roller coaster rides are best left for amusement parks to cater.

3. Do you even want to be with this woman, now that she's divorced? Or are you looking for excuses to get out of this relationship now, since she is no longer married and no longer constitutes your "forbidden fruit"?

I strongly suggest you look for answers ASAP before you do any further serious damage to yourself, your children and women in your life. Please get counseling for this.

Good Luck!
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #4  July 25,2009, 1:08pm
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pauljames62 wrote :
.... and told she can move in again!! I know I'm crazy!! Please help me, I'm 48 and should know better!!
Mike
No, no no!!!!! She has to leave her marriage and get divorced because it doesn't work for HER. She should not leave her marriage FOR YOU. If she doesn't leave for her own reasons, you will end up getting blamed for the demise of her marriage by all concerned (even her) no matter what the actual circumstances.

*IF* she does leave her husband again she should NOT move directly in with you. I cannnot stress this strongly enough!!! She needs to establish her own household and establish a changed relationship with her daughter and have the dust settled on her divorce (meaning all aspects completely final and filed in the courts) before even considering moving in with you. You BOTH need to do it this way for the health of your relationship and for your kids' sakes.

In the meantime, you have to accept she is with her husband because that is where she WANTS to be. Actions speak louder than words. She's there with him, not with you, no matter what she says about her feelings.

My advice would be to cut off contact with her until/unless she proceeds with her divorce AND moves out. And the next time anything regarding her marriage is discussed with her husband, she needs to insist it be done outside of earshot of their daughter. And YOU need to keep your kids as isolated from this drama as possible. It's time to be the grown up... the PARENT... first!
 
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chawks64 is offline chawks64 Post #5  July 25,2009, 1:38pm
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Wonderwoman402 wrote :
No, no no!!!!! She has to leave her marriage and get divorced because it doesn't work for HER. She should not leave her marriage FOR YOU. If she doesn't leave for her own reasons, you will end up getting blamed for the demise of her marriage by all concerned (even her) no matter what the actual circumstances.

*IF* she does leave her husband again she should NOT move directly in with you. I cannnot stress this strongly enough!!! She needs to establish her own household and establish a changed relationship with her daughter and have the dust settled on her divorce (meaning all aspects completely final and filed in the courts) before even considering moving in with you. You BOTH need to do it this way for the health of your relationship and for your kids' sakes.

In the meantime, you have to accept she is with her husband because that is where she WANTS to be. Actions speak louder than words. She's there with him, not with you, no matter what she says about her feelings.

My advice would be to cut off contact with her until/unless she proceeds with her divorce AND moves out. And the next time anything regarding her marriage is discussed with her husband, she needs to insist it be done outside of earshot of their daughter. And YOU need to keep your kids as isolated from this drama as possible. It's time to be the grown up... the PARENT... first!
Absolutely!

Children learn what is "normal" and acceptable by watching what their parents do, not the words they speak. Is this really what you want to teach your daughters? Is this how you want them to live their lives when they are adults?

For your own sake, you are probably so wrapped up in the issues surrounding this woman that you are missing good women right in front of you. And I guarantee they won't want anything to do with this kind of drama, so get as far away from it as you possibly can. Frankly, her behavior is incredibly selfish anyway. Be a good example and find someone emotionally healthy.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #6  July 25,2009, 1:46pm
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pauljames62 wrote :
I got involved with a married women!! However we fell in love and after 6 months she had gotten her divorce papers and was ready to move in with me. We shopped for things at my house, curtains, towel racks, ect and she had moved many things in. Her daughter was going to move in also. The day before the moved she told me she was going to stay with her husband and try to make her marriage work. She told him about the affair and he pleaded for her to stay in front of her daughter and said he would change! She is 12. My children are 14, 17, and 19 and are girls also. The oldest is in college, but the other 2 live with me half time. That might have changed if this women moved in. In fact, I know it would have!! I should consider this a blessing, but I can't!! I miss her and yes in the 3 weeks we've been apart we have seen each other 3 times. Each time she tells me she loves me and the last time we were intimate!! That was a week ago, now I wait for her to call or text and I'm a nervous wreck!! I have been dating a nice woman who really likes me and I try to like her, but I keep thinking of this other woman and how great we were together!! She says I communicate with her better than her husband, yet she is still with him. I pray that she'll come back and told she can move in again!! I know I'm crazy!! Please help me, I'm 48 and should know better!!
Mike



I'm pretty much stunned by your post.

The part about your daughters living with you half the time and you know that would have changed had the girlfriend moved in with you.....Are you saying you wouldn't have had your daughters stay with you if the girlfriend was there? Please tell me you wouldn't choose her over your girls! That really would be crazy.

You weren't great together. She's cheating on her husband with you, and she's cheating on you with her husband. Unless you're all Mormons, I don't see where this does anybody any good except her! She's got her cake and she's eating it too.

You know what you have to do. For the sake of your own sanity, cut her loose!

That's all the "help" I can give. Good luck.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #7  July 25,2009, 1:53pm
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This is wrong in SO many ways and on top of all this adult stuff they got the children involved, GOD, this is so so so so wrong!!!!!!!! Leave her alone, LEAVE her alone!!! Don't meet her again for intimate times or anything else, let her fix her marriage. If this guy is willing to fix the marriage even with this ADULTRY, which I don't think I could forgive, then let them. I personally would file for divorce on grounds for adultry and take my kids, you are at fault here just as much as she is.
 
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jomarie is offline jomarie Post #8  July 25,2009, 3:08pm
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It's not clear what you expect us to help you with!? Nobody in their right mind is going to think this woman is worth hankering for, and the example the both of you are setting for your girls is despicable. If you're morals don't stop you from having relations with a married woman, at least have the sense not to flaunt it in front of your teenage children! What are they learning from the example you are setting?!! Nothing good, IMO!
From another point of view- if you truely love her you would not be so selfish as to want to ruin her marriage, when she's committed to trying to make it work.
 
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Comedian is offline Comedian Post #9  July 25,2009, 4:27pm
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pauljames62 wrote :
I miss her and yes in the 3 weeks we've been apart we have seen each other 3 times. Each time she tells me she loves me and the last time we were intimate!!
Mike
Wow, that is just creepy... She's with him, she's with you, she's still with him, and then she's still with you? I know you think it is love, but this woman is very bad for you. She is clearly bad for her daughter and husband, too. I'm a 48 year old woman, and I would guess that all this drama is like a drug for her. After all, who wouldn't want two men desperate to keep you? She must be high as a kite on this trip, even if she claims she is in pain. Sorry... Don't ever talk to her again! (Unless it's five years in the future and she has been divorced for a while.)
 
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hazmat is offline hazmat Post #10  July 25,2009, 4:39pm
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Mike...I'm going to take another approach here. Are you a serial dater or something ? You claim to love this married woman, yet you're stringing along a "nice lady who really likes you". How can you be in love with someone and still be dating someone you really have no feelings for ?

You need to walk away from your married woman. If things work out in the future, it will only work if she leaves him for reasons other than you. (as someone else said) Put your kids first and break up with the "nice lady", if you're just using her.
 
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