Who should relocate in our long distance relationship?


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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #21  November 19,2009, 6:18pm
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I agree with JayJay – thanks for the update!

Personally I think the draw of family is an illusion: what if you are forced to move because you lose your job and the only offer is out of the area? I think it is totally naïve not to assume this could happen at any moment.

***

For what it’s worth, employment is the one thing I consider, in all decisions.

The fact that you’re still together is a suggestion to me the situation should be allowed to continue, and see what happens. It might break free on its own.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #22  November 19,2009, 7:05pm
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This seems like an awful lot of angst over 50 or so miles (i.e., what would be involved in your living two hours away from family instead of one). At two hours away, you would still be able to see them every weekend if you wish, and even during the week if you meet in the middle; it's not like we're talking about moving to the other side of the country...

Part of growing up is learning to separate psychologically from one's family of origin and to live as an independent adult. That doesn't mean that we don't love our family or want to be near them or spend time with them. Rather, it means that we have the life skills and emotional maturity to see ourselves as individuals with our own needs and goals in life. This is the primary task of adolescence, and something that people typically accomplish by their early 20s (you haven't said how old you are, but I'm going to assume that you are still in your 20s).

It does appears that this separation task is one that has been a bit of struggle for you, and the fact that you are tortured daily by thoughts of being even a short distance away from your family reinforces that. But, that doesn't mean that it's not still something that you should want for yourself and that you should strive for, especially if you hope to marry. See if you can get some insight into why this is all so difficult for you. Where are your feelings coming from? Are there any pressures coming from your family that make it more difficult for you to "grow up" and be fully adult? This is the sort of situation where you might really benefit from some time with a therapist who can help you get insight into your reactions and understand them so you can move forward. I only suggest this because it seems clear that this is causing you a significant amount of anxiety and worry -- far beyond what seems commensurate with the situation.

Best of luck to you...
 
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PY_2 is offline PY_2 Post #23  November 19,2009, 8:13pm

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It has been a while, so what y'all think? lol
 
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Sassafras54 is offline Sassafras54 — Advice Official Moderator Post #24  November 20,2009, 8:25am
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I agree with neardc -- you seem to be very stuck, and exploring why you're so tortured and unable to decide could be productive.

It almost sounds like you and your fiance have found an issue where you're both digging your heels in, almost saying "if you love me, you'll move to where I want to be". If you spend your lives together, this is not going to be the last time where you have a significant conflict that has to be resolved somehow. It is time to start learning how to resolve conflict.

Whatever you've been doing to try to resolve it hasn't worked. Try something new and different. See a therapist, individually or in couples counseling. Rent an apartment on a short lease halfway between you and find out whether you could tolerate living in that location. Come up with alternative solutions that you haven't thought about yet: do you have to live together, for the time being? Could you maintain 2 homes and go back and forth? Think about whether you actually really want to be married to him -- maybe you don't, maybe that's why you can't resolve this.

Good luck!
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #25  November 20,2009, 9:22am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Sassafras54 wrote :
I agree with neardc -- you seem to be very stuck, and exploring why you're so tortured and unable to decide could be productive.

It almost sounds like you and your fiance have found an issue where you're both digging your heels in, almost saying "if you love me, you'll move to where I want to be". If you spend your lives together, this is not going to be the last time where you have a significant conflict that has to be resolved somehow. It is time to start learning how to resolve conflict.

Whatever you've been doing to try to resolve it hasn't worked. Try something new and different. See a therapist, individually or in couples counseling. Rent an apartment on a short lease halfway between you and find out whether you could tolerate living in that location. Come up with alternative solutions that you haven't thought about yet: do you have to live together, for the time being? Could you maintain 2 homes and go back and forth? Think about whether you actually really want to be married to him -- maybe you don't, maybe that's why you can't resolve this.

Good luck!
If people are 'digging their heels in' the answer to me doesn't seem to be an 'alternative solution'....but to resolve the 'heel digging'.
 
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RoxyRedhead is offline RoxyRedhead Post #26  November 20,2009, 1:21pm
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I can understand your not wanting to be thousands of miles from your family (are we talking mom, dad, siblings here?) but really, a few hours isn't the end of the
world. Ya see...families move too, siblings grow up, situations change and trying to stay next to the parental support just keeps you in a juvenile status.

If you truly want to spend your life with your s.o., moving a couple of hours shouldn't be an issue for you. Maybe it's time to do some growing up and part of that is moving away.

As a parent of adults, I'd like them to be close to me. I didn't really like it when my daughter moved 250 miles away to be with her new husband, but we see each other frequently. I didn't like it when my brother got transferred to another location but again, we see each other frequently. My sister fell in love with a little town in the middle of nowhere and moved there..and I see her several times a year.

You can't remain in the nest forever..not emotionally healthy for either you or your parents. And unrealistic as a plan with a future.

And as far as the work locations....we decided to pick the easiest commute, best house for money and not mess with the half way is fair thing. Even with that, I got the easiest commute and then was transferred 18 months later-but we liked our house and stayed.

Don't count on making just one move in your life..life is full of changes-embrace them!
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #27  November 20,2009, 2:05pm
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...hmmmm....I would say take stock of what you each have, find out what the possiblities of getting a good paying job are, and the housing possibilites in both areas. I would also note, that the more probabilty that the other can find a job is top priority. Nothing is worse than having no prospects of getting a job and putting more worries on your plate than there already is. When you figure that out, everything just seems to come easier. Don't worry about the relatives ..they will find you.
 
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