Who should relocate in our long distance relationship?


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nmsteach is offline nmsteach Post #11  July 25,2009, 8:22am
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Thank you for all your replies. They are very helpful!
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #12  July 25,2009, 9:44am
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I wouldn't go with finding somewhere in the middle. I'd go with either one of you moving to where the other one is already established with a good job, a social circle, etc.

Who should move depends on who can find a better job in the other's vicinity. Surely, there should both teaching and coaching positions available. They may not be as ideal as the ones you currently both hold, but jobs can be changed in the future, a good relationship hopefully won't.

I'm sure you can discuss all the details and work something out.

Congratulations on finding a good partner in life! And Good Luck with the move, whichever one of you decides to make it.
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel — Advice Member-Moderator Post #13  July 25,2009, 8:57pm
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D_Lion wrote :
You put it on a spreadsheet and monetize all the facts so you can make on optimal solution. What kind of growth / further education / advancement potential exists for both of you? What are the cost associated with each possible living arrangement? Get it all into numbers and disentangle any emotions.

If it was me, I would look at who had the better job, and who had the job opportunities in their area (for me, employment is always the independent variable in every decision.) If that did not produce a clear decision, I would next consider each house and the housing market in each area, quality of life, etc.

I would not entertain the centralized relocation myself, as that is a time burden that wouldn’t work for me, and it seems like an illusory “fairness” that is not really sensible. Everybody’s situation is different, but I would keep the two houses and be together weekends until the job situation broke free.

I think both people should look for a position in the other’s area, and let things be until someone first gets an offer; then evaluate what to do.
I agree with D_Lion...again.

Depending on what each of you teach, there could be dream jobs a plenty out there (math and science teachers are ALWAYS in demand). Generally, coaching provides additional income, so it's a boost to the income if the school district handles it properly. Being in your second year of teaching, I doubt that either of you are tenured teachers, and you'd each have the opportunity to take your years of service with you to a new district, so you wouldn't start at the bottom of the pay scale again (check into state laws regarding how many years of experience a teacher must be granted when hired into a new district).

I would strongly suggest looking into the criteria listed in D_Lion's post. Additionally, look into what districts are hiring and what they are offering. What you think is your dream job may just be blown out of the water by something else (that's what happened to me).

Best wishes to you!
 
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Wonderwoman402 is offline Wonderwoman402 Post #14  July 25,2009, 9:28pm
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D_Lion wrote :
...I think both people should look for a position in the other’s area, and let things be until someone first gets an offer; then evaluate what to do.

DING DING DING!!! This is the correct answer!!! You both start job searching in each other's location. The first one who gets a good offer in the other's location is the one who moves.
 
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waltercl is offline waltercl Post #15  July 25,2009, 9:34pm
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I'm also not a fan of splitting the difference. I think that is just going to add stress to both of you, and eventually you'll conclude that it would have been better for one to have moved from the very beginning.

I do agree with taking a very analytical approach to deciding who should move. If you talk about it more, and think about it more then usually one will have more positives than the other. I guess it is possible that they could both be complete equals, but probably not. I would be hesitant to weigh in as to which one unless I knew what you considered about your job making it a dream job and if it would be hard to replicate in another area. I'm familiar with how tough it is to get a really good head coaching position as well as an ideal teaching position at the same time so I can understand that. You might have a similarly compelling argument as well.
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #16  July 26,2009, 5:10am
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I have been through this twice since my divorce and I was on both sides. My Guatemala girl, I was going to move there because they were rich and me finding a job was not going to be an issue, ya, your all saying, her gigolo. Hey, we were love struck and wanted to be together but in Guatemala you don't live together if your not married and I was not ready to marry her. The other, she was on the other side of our country from me, we talked about it for a few months, I looked there while she put in for a transfer to here. Her job it was easier to transfer anywhere in the country, just had to wait for approval. Her kids father never seen them since birth and my kids were still young and I have always had a great relationship with them. Either way we wanted to be together and if she did not get the transfer I would have moved out there but we knew it would eventually be approved. You just need to talk about it, weigh out the good and bad about both moves and make a decision together, it can work. Oh yes, the Guatemala girl had a fix for marriage, she would put me up in a suite of my own but said I would not really stay there, just a front for her family. I thought, ya sure, then her family finds out and they have me disappear in the jungle never to return (my father quoted that to me)
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #17  July 27,2009, 11:22am
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wishes you all the very best!

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CJF wrote :
This is a tough one. Perhaps you both can take the sacrifice and move in the middle. Would it be too much for either of you to drive 1 hour to work?

If you compromise on this then there won't be any resentment from either of you on having to give up a dream job. Sometimes having to drive further to work is worth the hassle.
This pretty much expresses my thoughts. I'll add that I don't believe it's a good ideal to move into one or the other partner's house because then you're dealing with issues of territory and ownership even in the best of relationships. If it's at all possible, buying a separate home together is the best way to go. Good luck.
 
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nmsteach is offline nmsteach Post #18  November 19,2009, 5:41pm
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So..months later and we still have not decided where to move to. It's down to either near me or near him. The only thing that is holding him back from moving over here is the fact that he is a head wrestling coach with the goal to bring them to a state championship. They are two years away from that. If he moves, he starts all over. I have been thinking constantly about this and I realized that I can't move away from my family. I couldn't even go far when I went to college. I want to be near my family when we have kids. I feel horrible because I don't want him to have to start over, but I have never been good with being away from family. I get a pit in my stomach thinking about being far from them with no family or friends nearby. Am i horrible for thinking this way? I think about it everyday and everyday I think more and more that I just can't do it. What are your opinions?
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #19  November 19,2009, 5:51pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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nmsteach wrote :
So..months later and we still have not decided where to move to. It's down to either near me or near him. The only thing that is holding him back from moving over here is the fact that he is a head wrestling coach with the goal to bring them to a state championship. They are two years away from that. If he moves, he starts all over. I have been thinking constantly about this and I realized that I can't move away from my family. I couldn't even go far when I went to college. I want to be near my family when we have kids. I feel horrible because I don't want him to have to start over, but I have never been good with being away from family. I get a pit in my stomach thinking about being far from them with no family or friends nearby. Am i horrible for thinking this way? I think about it everyday and everyday I think more and more that I just can't do it. What are your opinions?
It's always nice to get a follow up to situations like this. Thanks for updating us. My own thoughts are....it would have much better if you had realized you don't want to move before you started dating this man...and then he could have decided if he'd be willing to move at all, or if the two of you would have just avoided getting involved.

I do understand that some people just don't want to move away from family/friends, even if this means a relationship not working out. Have you told him you aren't willing to move? If you feel this way I think this should be out in the open as soon as possible, so he can weigh his options and proceed from there. Good luck.
 
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VB_Girl is online now VB_Girl Post #20  November 19,2009, 6:07pm
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nmsteach wrote :
So..months later and we still have not decided where to move to. It's down to either near me or near him. The only thing that is holding him back from moving over here is the fact that he is a head wrestling coach with the goal to bring them to a state championship. They are two years away from that. If he moves, he starts all over. I have been thinking constantly about this and I realized that I can't move away from my family. I couldn't even go far when I went to college. I want to be near my family when we have kids. I feel horrible because I don't want him to have to start over, but I have never been good with being away from family. I get a pit in my stomach thinking about being far from them with no family or friends nearby. Am i horrible for thinking this way? I think about it everyday and everyday I think more and more that I just can't do it. What are your opinions?
A couple of things to consider:

1) How often do you see your family v. how often do you just talk to them? 2 hours is not that far away. For example, you could meet 1/2 way and have dinner a couple of times during the week if you wanted.

2) Are you willing to say good-bye to the person you love because of future plans that may not come to fruition? It takes a while to get married and to have a baby, sometimes longer than you want. Your guy may be willing to move closer to your family when he's got one of his own on the way, or you may find you are happy where you are with him.

Good luck!
 
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