Long Distance Advice Needed


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00J is offline 00J Post #1  July 20,2009, 9:08am
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I appreciate any and all advice you can give regarding my question/situation. I met a guy on eharmony who is working as a contractor in Afghanistan. After 4 months of talking, emailing and webcam he flew me out to Dubai for a date. As soon as I saw him I was completely at ease. We had a great time.

We have continued our relationship. It has been monogamous for quite awhile now and we have expressed being in love with the other.

In just over a month he will be returning home for three weeks. He wants to spend most of his time with his two year old daughter, completely understandable. And he has put aside a week in which he wants to fly me out to him to spend time with me as well.

My concern and/or question is that he is planning to stay at his home with his wife as their divorce has yet to be finalized (except for the days I am there of course). He says it is only because he can then be with his daughter when she wakes up every morning and goes to bed at night. He also sees staying there as a way to save money given his goal to pay off all their bills and save up money to make sure his life is easier when he does come back to the states.

My initial reaction is obviously not in favor of this idea. It is rather humiliating to me that he would stay with her. I can admit that I'd have no problem if he was staying with a women friend but with his wife while they are still getting a divorce, I am having a hard time with that.

He has flat out told me that it is my choice to either accept it or not but he isn't changing his mind, his daughter is too important. Am I missing something? Is staying with his wife ok?

Your thoughts please!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  July 20,2009, 9:38am
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Listen to your gut - it's already telling you that this is wrong on many levels.

If he is not divorced then he is married and if he is married and messing with you, what does that make you and your relationship?

No matter what your attraction to him is, the reality is that he is a married man and that his marriage is not over no matter what he is telling you - you don't ever know what the whole truth really is. At worst you are the other woman breaking up a family, at best you are the rebound crutch as he goes forward with his divorce. What's important for you to understand is that he is not going to be the man and the relationship that you want. He is already manipulating you by saying that it is what it is because of his daughter, because of finances, because of blah blah blah.... None of those are good reasons for what he is doing.

If I were you I'd leave him and that would be a no brainer for me. Married men, separated men, boohoo stories about how they are unhappy and going to get divorced just be my special friend today - no thanks. You deserve better than that in your life.
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #3  July 20,2009, 9:41am
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Translation: You accept that he is married, yes, married and that you are his one week here and there mistress, yes, mistress. She doesn't know about you. The week he has "set aside for you" will be arranged behind her back. And he has told you "take it or leave it" .The for my kids is the oldest excuse in the book.
If you want to be this guys mistress, long distance, then you will accept his terms.
00J wrote :
I appreciate any and all advice you can give regarding my question/situation. I met a guy on eharmony who is working as a contractor in Afghanistan. After 4 months of talking, emailing and webcam he flew me out to Dubai for a date. As soon as I saw him I was completely at ease. We had a great time.
We have continued our relationship. It has been monogamous for quite awhile now and we have expressed being in love with the other.
In just over a month he will be returning home for three weeks. He wants to spend most of his time with his two year old daughter, completely understandable. And he has put aside a week in which he wants to fly me out to him to spend time with me as well.


My concern and/or question is that he is planning to stay at his home with his wife as their divorce has yet to be finalized (except for the days I am there of course). He says it is only because he can then be with his daughter when she wakes up every morning and goes to bed at night. He also sees staying there as a way to save money given his goal to pay off all their bills and save up money to make sure his life is easier when he does come back to the states.


My initial reaction is obviously not in favor of this idea. It is rather humiliating to me that he would stay with her. I can admit that I'd have no problem if he was staying with a women friend but with his wife while they are still getting a divorce, I am having a hard time with that.


He has flat out told me that it is my choice to either accept it or not but he isn't changing his mind, his daughter is too important. Am I missing something? Is staying with his wife ok?


Your thoughts please!
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  July 20,2009, 10:10am

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I would have to say that he sounds like a very cool guy and I would take him at his word with one exception, you want to extend an invitation for his wife to join you and him for either lunch or dinner. Since your not involved in their lives she should be able to answer any and all questions. You will have a relationship with his (ex) wife when his daughter comes to visit on the weekends, so it might as well be a nice relationship rather then hostile.

I would choose to not get involved with his daughter at this time, she is to young and you don't want to confuse her. If you have to meet her bring a Red Headed Cabatch Patch Doll with you as a gift for her.

Good luck and have fun.

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; July 20,2009 at 11:42am.
 
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00J is offline 00J Post #5  July 20,2009, 10:17am
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I should have mentioned i have absolutely no doubt their relationship is over and they are getting a divorce. I just still think it is inappropriate to stay there while dating me.

Of course, I could be making excuses too.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #6  July 20,2009, 10:33am
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00J wrote :
I should have mentioned i have absolutely no doubt their relationship is over and they are getting a divorce. I just still think it is inappropriate to stay there while dating me.

Of course, I could be making excuses too.
How exactly do you know that? Did you talk to his wife and she confirmed it for you? Kids and money are the two oldest excuses in the book.

Assuming that the divorce will indeed happen - do you honestly believe that he is not going to have rebound issues and baggage and emotional issues to deal with? What if the wife finds out he is keeping a mistress and takes that to court to make custody and access to his child difficult for him? Do you have any idea how long a bitter and contested divorce can last? You are putting yourself in a situation where you are guaranteed to be used and kicked out even if not intentionally so. So yes, don't kid yourself.

Ultimately it's not about what I think, but what do you want out of a relationship. If you are just out to have a little fun, then who cares what he is doing. If you are looking for a happily ever after with him, you might want to look elsewhere.
 
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drwill911 is offline drwill911 Post #7  July 20,2009, 10:51am
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[quote=00J;680352]Is staying with his wife ok?[quote]


NO!

This is game. If it was all that bad between he and his wife, she would not want him to stay in the same house with her.

Now that you know this is game you are going to have to make a decision. That is, whether to remain in the game or not.

Remember, however, whenever a game is played there always has to be a winner and a loser.

You have already lost in that he made his choice and demanded that you either take it or leave it.

You can come to reality or continue to play the game and get played once he tells you that he and his wife are going to "try to work it out for the child's sake".

Sometimes, once you discover that you are being played, you just have to forefeit the game with a player and find someone who doesn't want to play so much.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #8  July 20,2009, 10:59am
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00J wrote :
I should have mentioned i have absolutely no doubt their relationship is over and they are getting a divorce.

...
Let's assume that this is true. Being that he is just getting back from overseas, what alternatives does he have in terms of living arrangements? Are you expecting him to get a hotel room for a few weeks?

----------------------------------------------------------------

(Unconnected train of thought...)

(Assuming you survive the above...) Have you talked to him about future plans? It is understandable that his daughter is important to him, but that does not mean it's ok for him to continue to live with his ex-wife indefinitely.
 
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greatwhitenorth is offline greatwhitenorth Post #9  July 20,2009, 11:35am
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I would be careful with this. He's still married until the divorce papers are signed. He's emotionally attached to his daughter which is understandable. How much emotional attachment does he still have to his wife. Be careful with him until you actually see the signed divorce papers.
 
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emerraald is offline emerraald Post #10  July 20,2009, 12:17pm
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00J wrote :
I should have mentioned i have absolutely no doubt their relationship is over and they are getting a divorce. I just still think it is inappropriate to stay there while dating me.

Of course, I could be making excuses too.
You are not making excuses.
He need to rent a hotel, stay with parents, family or friends. have visitation with his daughter, for his leave, which by the way is what he will have to do once he is divorced.
Pick up his daughter and have her stay were he is.
 
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