How do you make recovery from a fight

This may not be the best description of what I want to ask, but for the lack of better choice of word, I really like some advice/experience from people here about how they restore communication, going back to the smooth running of a relationship if they had some sort of unpleasant break down of communication in their relationship.

If you sense tension in the relationship and no one talks about it and dealing individually as if there was nothing happened, I feel such state of relationship is quite unhealthy. How long do you wait before you approach your partner to bring up the issue, and what if she/he doesn’t want to talk about?

I don’t really like to use the word “fight” in a relationship, as I feel that’s rather immature, like a high school teen way of dealing with issues, but unfortunately the relationship I had with my partner had gone through a few rough patches recently. The latest incident left us not talking for over 2 weeks. Let me clarify the situation a bit. We used to see one another at least weekly and other days we’d definitely talk on the phone almost daily, and always texting everyday. In this latest incident we had some disagreement over our actions and I think she probably thinks that she’s right I’m wrong (again I don’t believe in such black/white style of judging the issue), and she probably thinks that there’s nothing to talk about other than I need to get over my feelings and move on. Whereas I do not feel that we have even begin to sit down and discuss the issue at all, I haven’t even had a chance to tell her how I felt, why I felt the way I do and discuss our difference. Initially I tried to call her and she avoided picking up the phone, when I eventually got hold of her on the phone, we found ourselves busy dealing this other issue – her avoidance of the phone call. I didn’t want to go down another track, still wanting to talk to her about our first issue, but she was busy and ended the conversation with she’ll call me, which never eventuated.

During this period of non-communication all she does is texting me every now and then, asking how my day is etc, but never talks about what happened between us, and no acknowledgment of there’s this issue we haven’t dealt with between us. I’ve been returning her text and asking to arrange to see her, I feel that texting would never be the best way to resolve a relationship issue, neither email, best way would be face to face sit down chat. After two weeks of not seeing each other and all these texting we finally arranged a time this weekend to meet up. She asked me to go dancing as if nothing had happened between us, to which I replied I’d like to have a conversation with her, peaceful not a blaming session, just talk, she immediately canceled the date.

Till this stage I feel completely suffocated due to lack of communication, although we were texting each other everyday, there is no real sharing of feelings and thoughts. In these two weeks my very own feeling towards her and the relationship begin to change due to the continued disappointment that this lack of communication had created. I feel that I’m beginning to feel like giving up and moving on (maybe that’s what she wanted me to do?) but this is such an unhealthy way of ending a relationship. I don’t want to grow apart when the distance between us is clearly building, yet she doesn’t seem to want to come to the table and talk.

I would move on if she had clearly said this is not working for her, and that she’s not willing to give it the relationship anymore commitment. Yet I’m getting a really mixed message that she is texting me daily, the latest date she canceled on me was set up as she was texting me to see if I wanted to ‘catch up’…

I have digressed from my original question. But I’d really like to hear how you heal some of your relationships, what kind of communication level you had after a “fight” and how you build the communication back to ‘normal’. I also appreciate some advice on my situation, perhaps ladies would have better insight in what is going on in a woman’s head I’m very new to eHA, but found this is such a great community where people offer help & support on relationship issues.

Thanks, HQ.

But I’d really like to hear how you heal some of your relationships, what kind of communication level you had after a “fight” and how you build the communication back to ‘normal’.

Thanks, HQ.

Well there goes the Venus/ Mars theory..........Here it is...women need their "space" to "process" things also... it used to be called "the silent treatment"....She is still very angry with you, but trying to forgive and get over it...hence the mixed messages. You are anxious for her to get over it in a hurry so you feel better that all is smooth again The avoidance is an indicator that something you said or did hurt her and she just doesn't want to go there just yet. Lay off for a while, trust me, she'll bring it up when she is ready, not when you are.

Each woman is different, but being female, one thing I have noticed is that most women like to talk, talk, talk over a problem and pull it apart and back together before being ready to move on. It is a huge red flag for me that she cancelled your date when you advised you wanted a conversation. It smacks of (on her part) either immaturity or unwillingness to commit to you/your relationship. Usually, if a woman doesn't want to talk about something or feels there is no need to do so; that's what you'll get told.

You could try stopping sending and receiving TXT for the present and trying to schedule time to meet up with her and discuss. Just do it. And yes, you're right - in person.

If I could put it like this, when my male friend is annoyed with me, he doesn't set a 'date' to talk to me about it. He just grabs me for a hot chocolate, we discuss it, and then move on to something else. The only patterns I've noticed is that if we spend 10 minutes discussing his issue, we spend at least 10 minutes immediately afterwards on some other topic interesting to us both. It's never about blaming me and because he doesn't 'set' time to discuss, I have no time to get a huge anxiety build-up.

Sometimes make-up sex is a good start.