Met the perfect woman; slight obstacle; your thoughts?


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Develop our friendship? 6 37.50%
Pursue her romantically? 9 56.25%
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TBemrose is offline TBemrose Post #1  July 17,2009, 12:04am
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I've met the perfect woman. She is attractive, intelligent, has a great personality and attitude. We like the same movies, music, books, genres, and shows. (We both play video games though our tastes differ there.) We share the same perspectives on life, people, finances, etc. including gender roles. We're both romantics and flirts, and attracted to each other. I am in the military as were both her parents, so we have that common ground. She does talk more than just about any woman I've known (I don't mind because the things she talks about are interesting more often than not), but she is also an exceptional listener and stops talking as soon as I open my mouth (it's very important to me that someone listens when I occasionally have something to say). She is not intimidated or put off by my intelligence, but stops me and seeks understanding if I use vocabulary she's unfamiliar with or if I've lost her and she needs to catch up. She lives in another state and in the past I've always had difficulty with long distance relationships (If you are familiar with The Five Love Languages, mine is physical touch (hugs, holding hands, caresses, rubbing the back, placing a hand on the arm, placing an arm around the waist, etc are all very significant to me) which requires proximity during interaction), however we've kept in constant contact (phone calls, texts, picture messages multiple times a day) every day since we've met and I find myself in constant anticipation of our next interaction. We both want to travel the world but haven't done much of that up to this point, and we've begun talking about going on trips together. I know that if nothing deeper develops between us we'll still remain friends for life.

The obstacle: I am 28 and she is 42. The age difference is not an issue for me at all, though I am uncertain if it may be somewhat of an issue or none at all for her. My first marriage ended just as I was ready to have kids (which has always been important to me). She is also divorced and has 3 boys (21, 19, and 18) from that marriage. I understand this can be a source of problems (i.e. them resenting my age being so near theirs), but also to consider is that I instruct cadets as old as that (12-21).

I have had more than one friend encourage me to pursue a deeper relationship with her, but (both sides of) the children issue gives me pause. I would love to hear what advice, wisdom, and experience everyone out there could share with me.
Last edited by TBemrose; July 18,2009 at 6:22pm. Reason: clarity
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #2  July 17,2009, 12:14am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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TBemrose wrote :
The obstacle: I am 28 and she is 42. The age difference is not an issue for me at all, though I am uncertain if it may be a small issue or none at all for her. My first marriage ended just as I was ready to have kids (which has always been important to me). She is also divorced and has 3 boys (21, 19, and 18) from that marriage. I understand this can be a source of problems (i.e. them resenting my age being so near theirs), but also to consider is that I instruct cadets as old as that (12-21).
The risk is that while 'the age difference is not an issue' at all for you now....it could be in the future. Especially if having children 'has always been important' to you. Five years down the road you might feel differently about the situation. While you sound ready to give it a shot and risk it....but she may not.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  July 17,2009, 12:32am
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Nothing to see here at all...

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Have you addressed the issue with her?
From what you describe, you are both good communicators, so you should not have a problem discussing all your concerns openly and honestly.

Age and children are important considerations in any long term relationship. Most people differ in their opinions on both subjects (just read the boards). But those opinions do not matter all that much in your situation, do they? All that's important is whether you two can agree. If not, you can then both decide whether you want to stay friends or if your feelings are too strong for that, at least in the early stages of a break up.

As for jayjay's comment about not knowing what's going to happen 5 years from now - well, do you really know what's going to happen tomorrow? Do you think if people could predict the future they would go to work at the Twin Towers on 9/11?

All we can do is live in the present, and make sure we work on all our relationships continuously, by savoring, developing and enjoying them, so that we can all continue to grow as individuals, but still stay connected to our loved ones within the framework of our various relationships (family, friends, romance).

Good luck! I hope you two can work it out, your description sounds promising for wither a romance or a great friendship. And a good friend, even at long distance, never hurt anyone, as far as I know
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #4  July 17,2009, 2:01am
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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IcecreamMoon wrote :
As for jayjay's comment about not knowing what's going to happen 5 years from now - well, do you really know what's going to happen tomorrow? Do you think if people could predict the future they would go to work at the Twin Towers on 9/11?

All we can do is live in the present, and make sure we work on all our relationships...
...and plan for the future as best we can. I could potentially have a great time and even fall in love with an 18-20 year old....but I also know the chances are very slim that it would ever work out in the long run. That being the case I wouldn't even try it.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #5  July 17,2009, 2:25am
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Nothing to see here at all...

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jayjay wrote :
...and plan for the future as best we can. I could potentially have a great time and even fall in love with an 18-20 year old....but I also know the chances are very slim that it would ever work out in the long run. That being the case I wouldn't even try it.
Nah... you just like to balance out my optimistic realism with your pessimistic realism. You do it well, what can I say? Even if I disagree, I have acknowledge your expertise on this subject
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #6  July 17,2009, 2:50am
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All of those things are potential problems in the future. Give it some time and see. You are only 7 years older than her oldest son. That is less than the age difference between you and her.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #7  July 17,2009, 3:12am
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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It sounds like you are contemplating an unlikely -- but not impossible -- relationship. You do appear to be an especially mature young man and that is something that works in your favor.

However, you two have yet to meet in person, no? (You didn't indicate when or how you met...) So far, it's been relatively easy to have a relationship (undefined as it is) because it's not encumbered by external realities. Certainly, in order to really know if you would like to pursue a romantic relationship you need to meet in person, both to see whether your attraction and easy interaction carries over into real life, and to get a sense of whether and how you can realistically fit into each other's lives (this of course assumes that she reciprocates your interest).

Obviously the kid questions are part of that. Her children are grown, so there isn't even a question of your stepping in to be their father. Whether she wants to have (or would consider having) more children now that she's raised three of her own is something only she can answer (fertility may also be an issue given her age).

There are a lot of big "ifs" on the table at this point, but meeting in person would address some of the top ones...

JayJay - it would be like you having a relationship with a woman who is 57. Or, if you want to go in the other direction (which I know you do, especially given your own interests in having children), a woman who is 29 (not 18-20). Is that younger than you think you should go? I'm not having trouble imagining you with a woman that age...
 
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avinash is offline avinash Post #8  July 17,2009, 4:13am
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If you meet the girl who is right for you, then you owe it to yourself to pursue a romantic relationship, even if it doesn't work out, you won't have any regrets years from now
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #9  July 17,2009, 5:46am
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If nothing else, remember this: YOU will change significantly in the next 10 years. I can't imagine what a 40 year old really has in common with a 26 year old. Yes you say that you have a lot of common interests, but she could almost be your mom. She is in a different place in life. I could never imagine even dating someone in their 30s.

Maybe I don't give any solid reasons for not pursuing it, but I would say proceed with great caution and thought for the future.
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #10  July 17,2009, 7:57am
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Since you are already sort of in a relationship with her, I think you can just enjoy it for what it is. I do think that you should be very careful about getting too deeply involved and expecting everything to work out. Since you have been wanting children and expecting to be a dad at some time in the future- at least up to the beginning of this relationship, I'd advise you not to give up on that goal in life. It is too important at your age, and I think you'll have big regrets later. However, at 28, you do have time to explore this relationship for what you both get out of it. Take your time and get to know yourself and her - it's a pleasurable learning experience. After a longer while, you both will know what to do.
 
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