New perspective on my situation


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1passionatefem is offline 1passionatefem Post #1  July 16,2009, 9:36am
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[COLOR=black]I have been seeing my boyfriend whom I met on another dating site for the last three months. Things have been wonderful. Within two weeks of us dating he asked me to be exclusive, within the two months window he told me he was falling in love with me, and then says he loves me several times a week. From the one month period we started spending every weekend together and seeing each other during the week at least once. By mid week he always says he misses me and wants to see me. He has been very caring and very affectionate and open with his feelings, calls and emails daily, etc. Two weeks ago-he said "I see you in my permanent future". I have been on Cloud 9 and thought I may have found the one. Well, things changed last night. I could tell yesterday that he was not himself on the phone when he called and I was the one that asked if we want to get together for dinner, which he said yes to. At dinner he was very distant, not affectionate, and so I asked him what was wrong. I thought it was his job which is very stressful lately. Well, I was wrong. He told me that he thinks things have gone fast between us and he wants to slow things down and get to know me more/better. He did make it clear that he did not want to see anyone else and that he wants us to continue dating. This confused me because it is not as though we had plans to move in together or get married. What does this really mean?
Last edited by 1passionatefem; August 18,2009 at 10:42am.
 
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FaintestInkling is offline FaintestInkling Post #2  July 16,2009, 10:23am
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  July 16,2009, 10:34am
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I would think that the reality and the finality of his divorce is hitting him full force and there are a whole lot of mixed emotions going on for him right now that have nothing to do with you. Memories of his ex and marriage, fears about the future, fears of relationships at lage, etc.

I would just be patient, play it cool and essentially ignore this and just continue to have a nice fun relationship with him. Let him sort himself out for the time being at his own pace and if he needs some space, just give it to him.
 
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Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #4  July 16,2009, 1:40pm
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1passionatefem wrote :
I have been seeing my boyfriend whom I met on another dating site for the last three months. Things have been wonderful. Within two weeks of us dating he asked me to be exclusive, within the two months window he told me he was falling in love with me, and then says he loves me several times a week. From the one month period we started spending every weekend together and seeing each other during the week at least once. By mid week he always says he misses me and wants to see me. He has been very caring and very affectionate and open with his feelings, calls and emails daily, etc. Two weeks ago-he said "I see you in my permanent future". I have been on Cloud 9 and thought I may have found the one. Well, things changed last night. I could tell yesterday that he was not himself on the phone when he called and I was the one that asked if we want to get together for dinner, which he said yes to. At dinner he was very distant, not affectionate, and so I asked him what was wrong. I thought it was his job which is very stressful lately. Well, I was wrong. He told me that he thinks things have gone fast between us and he wants to slow things down and get to know me more/better. He did make it clear that he did not want to see anyone else and that he wants us to continue dating. This confused me because it is not as though we had plans to move in together or get married. What does this really mean?
>>
To give you a little more background. We are both 42. I am divorced and his divorce should be final in a few weeks. He was separated from two years prior to us meeting and only dated two women a couple of time each. He is selling his house at the end of the month which is why his divorce took so long to be finalized-because the house did not sell. So he is moving into another house. In fact three weeks ago, he said to me that he was only signing a six months lease and not a year's lease because we were together and he did not want to be tied up for a year. We have briefly talked about "Future plans" but only when he brought them up. I have never pushed for anything, but I have clearly communicated to him that I love him and show it. We have never had a fight, we have been able to talk things out on one occasion when an issue came up. >>
He has not yet met my daughters (18 and 23), as I told him I wanted him to be divorced and settled in a new place and for us to have some more time together to be sure as this is a big step for me. >>
>>
We have met each others friends and I have also met his co-workers at a party we went to. And our family members (beside my daughters) live far away. So we have not had a chance to meet the "families" yet. Sorry for the long post-but I can not seem to get this off my mind and I am trying to figure out what he is really saying. >>

There is a name for this. It's called Male Emotional Withdrawal. Check it out.

He's a words of affirmation kind of guy and probably feels you don't return the feelings he's verbalized to you.

If I could give advice it would be to just ignore his behavior and treat him how you feel you should. Just say what you feel and if he gets confrontational then point out how he is getting confrontational. Don't get upset with him, instead just grind out the low spell until he bounds back.

He might be bi-polar. That's another possibility. I wouldn't put too much energy into worrying. Just have fun with him and talk about his feelings when he brings it up. If he does stuff like not look in your eyes then he's being avoidant and you should tell him to look at you. If he's being a suck then just give him a little attitude. Since things progressed so fast it's natural to go through the low stage quickly too, in my opinion.

Just deal with his BS for awhile if he's worth it. Otherwise punt his butt to the curb and don't look back.
 
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robv_la is offline robv_la Post #5  July 16,2009, 2:30pm
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1) Newly divorced. Lots of emotional issues that go along with this. He's going through a lot.
2) Rush into relationship. He wanted someone special in his life, but now that he has it, maybe he's a bit worried he'll lose you? Sometimes the hardest thing for someone to accept is someone loving them back, especially if they've been hurt recently or are in emotional pain.

Tell him you care and you understand and that you are there for him. However, if he pulls back to the point where no relationship is possible, you may need to let him go.
 
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BelieverinKY is offline BelieverinKY Post #6  July 16,2009, 2:33pm
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This is why so many people, myself included, will not get involved with someone that has not been divorced for at least a year or two.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #7  July 16,2009, 3:07pm
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""I see you in my permanent future""

BS line. Don't fall for that junk. It means nothing.

Actions not words actions not words actions not words.

"have gone fast between us and he wants to slow things down and get to know me more/better"

Do you know if he has met someone else? He may be stringing you along because he met someone but he is not sure if its going to work out.

I would pull way far away from this guy and get real busy. I think he's decided that he isn't that interested in you but wants to keep you around for "whatever".
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #8  July 16,2009, 4:45pm
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hmm...3 months of bliss, him calling and texting, you and he kissing in a tree, now he puts on the brakes?

He's either seeing someone else or considering seeing someone else, or other women. I have yet to meet a man who goes from a divorce immediately to a solid relationship, partly because they are free and partly because they are scared. I don't think it has anything to do with you, and it doesn't make him a bad guy, but he hasn't been alone long enough to know what he wants. It's just what divorce does.
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #9  July 16,2009, 5:32pm
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I'm confused. In the first part of your post you state you don't understand his change and effort to slow things down a bit, but at the end of the post you make it clear that you don't want to invite him into your life to meet your daughters until his divorce is settled, he sells his house and moves and have some more time together because this is a big step for you.

So why is it okay for you to take things slowly on your end but you question his intentions for doing the same thing? Seems like a double standard.

I don't think he is handing you a line of BS at all. You placed limits on how far and fast you would go -- respect his limits too. He is the newly divorced one with the more recent baggage.
 
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trailviews is offline trailviews Post #10  July 16,2009, 6:18pm
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An example of another good reason to not date married people.
 
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