intimidated by his friends


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daisyage is offline daisyage Post #1  July 15,2009, 6:24am
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I'm with an absolutely wonderful man...I know he's wonderful because I've had more than my fair share of losers. I'm in my mid 30's and so is he. We've been together just over a year and have talked about getting married. Neither of us have been married before. The only problem is that his friends make me feel really nervous. He has LOTS of friends. I'm really happy for him to go and spend time with his friends because I'm a bit of a loner and need alot of time to myself to do things that make me happy. I suffer with anxiety and only really feel comfortable with the people that I have chosen to have as friends. He is a social butterfly...I am not!
His people take drugs which makes me feel intimidated because of a previous bad experience and I know he used to do it too and enjoyed doing it. I feel like I'm bringing him down because I can't get involved with his friends the way he wants me to and even though he no longer takes drugs I feel he probably would if he wasn't with me. This stems from when we were first together and he accepted 2 "pills" from a friend for us to take that evening, obviously thinking that's the kind of thing I do. At the time I told him that it was his choice what he put into his body but personally I wasn't into that and that maybe he should have actually asked me first. I feel like I'm miserable all the time and obviously his ex-girlfriends were all "fun" pill poppers. I'm actually at the point where I can't even joke around and just feeling uncomfortable with everything. There's an invite every month from his friends and I'm getting angry at myself for not being more laid back about this. I don't want to let him go because he supports me in all my decisions and is really lovely but I don't want to keep letting him down by constantly turning down invitations so that he has to go alone.
Any thoughts would be much appreciated.
 
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oostitch is offline oostitch Post #2  July 15,2009, 7:05am
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maybe he likes you for that exact reason: youre not a pill poppin' hussy! he's in his mid 30's so he may want to grow out of that behavior and settle down. but if this makes you uncomfortable now, don't think it's gonna go away that easy. that's obviously not your lifestyle and i'm sure he's noticed so stop labeling yourself as the problem. you don't do drugs and youre worried that he or his friends won't like you for it? dont do that to yourself! you are not bringing anyone down, they are bringing themselves down daisy. i don't blame you for not wanting to hang out with these people, it's an uncomfortable situation. and to think he's completely stopped taking drugs since he met you may be wishful thinking. he still hangs out with them, without you so what do you know if he's staying off the drugs. i dont know how bad his situation may be but some addicts can live a double life without the spouse ever knowing so if i were you i would definitely be more involved in this situation and not look the other way for fear of others' reaction. this is your life and youre considering marrying this man daisy, that's a huge committment! don't feel bad for other people and what they think of you. think about yourself and your happiness.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #3  July 15,2009, 7:47am
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Welcome naysayer of doom...

Your boyfriend has not yet decided which lifestyle he wants. On the one hand he likes the "relationship" aspect with you, but on the other hand he likes the party atmosphere. (And if you're not with him at these parties you can pretty certain that he is taking drugs.)


Unfortunately you are probably the "balance relationship". Right now you are equally but not more important than "partying". After your relationship ends, (sooner or later, and hopefully without children), he may very well decide that a relationship is REALLY important to him and he will ditch his partying friends and lifestyle.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  July 15,2009, 8:09am

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You are doing the right thing for yourself and your relationship!
So why are you feeling guilty and exhibiting panic attacks?

"I'm a bit of a loner and need a lot of time to myself to do things that make me happy. I suffer with anxiety and only really feel comfortable with the people that I have chosen to have as friends. He is a social butterfly...I am not!"

I could give you the answer but to no avail, since I'm not one of your friends. You must understand and feel the answer for yourself in order to remove your anxiety related to the above. His friends make you feel uncomfortable because they make you feel threatened. It is also because you do not relate well and play with others, you also feel that you have to compete for his attention. (Which is somewhat true.)

You have to work out these issues in therapy which is not a long term project and once resolved you have to invite your boy friend to join you for some couples counseling. He is blind to his partying and his wrong doing but let the therapist call him out on it, not you!
Good luck.

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Last edited by Harvey7; July 15,2009 at 7:45pm.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #5  July 15,2009, 8:46am
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You have every right to be worried about this relationship. Even if your guy is not taking drugs on a regular basis, the fact he is associating with people who do and possibly who are dealing drugs can cause you and him a whole load of problems. If his friends are under investigation for their drug activities then you can guarantee that your guy and you are both being observed as well. Most likely some law enforcement agency has a whole big file on your guy and you by now.

I personally would bail out of this relationship so fast before I found myself with unwanted legal problems and possible confiscation of my personal property. Good luck
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #6  July 15,2009, 9:12am
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Show me a man's friends and I'll show you the man. He is using drugs, don't fool yourself ......He may not use them around you, but there a lot of people, especially frequent drug users who are experts at hiding things. Maybe he at some level wants to clean up and is around you, but that his druggie friends are a large part of the picture is a huge red flag. By the way His people take drugs which makes me feel intimidated because "........... you don't need a "because"...they are dangerous ! Sorry........... but this guy is not as clean as he has you fooled to believe, druggies appear quite charming and fun, which is what you are seeing, not a sincere, sober guy....
daisyage wrote :
I'm with an absolutely wonderful man...I know he's wonderful because I've had more than my fair share of losers. I'm in my mid 30's and so is he. We've been together just over a year and have talked about getting married. Neither of us have been married before. The only problem is that his friends make me feel really nervous. He has LOTS of friends. I'm really happy for him to go and spend time with his friends because I'm a bit of a loner and need a lot of time to myself to do things that make me happy. I suffer with anxiety and only really feel comfortable with the people that I have chosen to have as friends. He is a social butterfly...I am not!
His people take drugs which makes me feel intimidated because of a previous bad experience and I know he used to do it too and enjoyed doing it. I feel like I'm bringing him down because I can't get involved with his friends the way he wants me to and even though he no longer takes drugs I feel he probably would if he wasn't with me. This stems from when we were first together and he accepted 2 "pills" from a friend for us to take that evening, obviously thinking that's the kind of thing I do. At the time I told him that it was his choice what he put into his body but personally I wasn't into that and that maybe he should have actually asked me first. I feel like I'm miserable all the time and obviously his ex-girlfriends were all "fun" pill poppers. I'm actually at the point where I can't even joke around and just feeling uncomfortable with everything. There's an invite every month from his friends and I'm getting angry at myself for not being more laid back about this. I don't want to let him go because he supports me in all my decisions and is really lovely but I don't want to keep letting him down by constantly turning down invitations so that he has to go alone.
Any thoughts would be much appreciated.
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #7  July 15,2009, 3:13pm
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I'm sorry to say I have to agree with Wiseman & Angel on this.

It is unreasonable for you to assume he's clean. People growing out of that scene usually leave the whole thing behind. That means the friends too.

He hasn't decided yet what he wants.

If I didn't like drugs (as you say) I'd get out. Sorry.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #8  July 15,2009, 3:22pm
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I'm intimidated by Frogs, especially those who are partial to spending time at the Whiskey Factory.

But they seem to leap and bounce all around this crazy world. So, what am I supposed to do with that?
 
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AustinShaguar is offline AustinShaguar Post #9  July 15,2009, 3:36pm
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Four comments:

1. You ARE who you hang out with.
2. It would be unfair for you to try to "change" him.
3. He will not change.
4. You are being unfair to yourself.
 
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OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #10  July 15,2009, 3:40pm
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You wrote: There's an invite every month from his friends and I'm getting angry at myself for not being more laid back about this. I don't want to let him go because he supports me in all my decisions and is really lovely but I don't want to keep letting him down by constantly turning down invitations so that he has to go alone.
Any thoughts would be much appreciated.

What is interesting here is that you feel like you are letting him down by not going to a large party with 30+ year old drug addicts, but haven't said anything about him letting you down by doing this, which obviously goes against your principles.

It doesn't seem like he will give up this lifestyle anytime soon. Have you discussed why he even has to go? Does he have friends that participate in healthy activities? If not, you may want to reconsider your marriage plans. If he is the first "lovely" guy you have dated since all the past "losers", you may want to date a bit more before you decide to marry, or consider how you will feel if he continues or starts using in front of you.
 
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