It's been a crazy relationship, Should I let it continue?


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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #21  July 15,2009, 9:33am
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SizzlinSaguaro wrote :
Thanks for your responses everybody. Just a couple of notes though. As I understand it, her closed head injury and depression are not related. She was already suffering from the depression before she had her closed head injury. That is not to say that her depression was not adversely affected with the head injury.
Unless the injury was minor, it is next to impossible to believe that it did not result in moderate to severe depression. Not FULLY realizing the EXPECTED changes in cognitive abilities are caused by injury (not "stupid self") WILL result in incredible self blame. If she was depressed before, the TBI will most likely increase exponentially. As stated in link I refrenced prior, over 70% of TBI survivors that spend more than 24 hours in coma will even ever become nominally functional.

Thinking that symptoms are not function of TBI is denial. Dosen't matter if hapened 25 years ago or last month. Brain damage is perminant, PERIOD. Most TBI survivors you might meet and never guess it. It does not mean that the recovery is or ever will be complete.

What type of support group has she had/does she have? There are so many TBI support groups available: Google for your area and or have her get involved with online groups (believe it or not, several through youtube ). Seeing other people's experiences (and helping them with) can be in itself incredibly reassuring and more helpful than any psychiatrist (been there done that) or medication (been there done that). My experience-'89 MVA/TBI 5days in coma, years learning to talk/be productive. Still working on it.

Please note that I am not saying that psychiatrists or medication are to be ignored/avoided. It is just that neither is the "end all" solution to any problem that many people (Doctors included) think they are.

Absolute worst thing to ever do is think you know enough... educate educate educate yourself or probability is you will never understand and never be able to positively deal with
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #22  July 15,2009, 10:04am
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SizzlinSaguaro wrote :
Thanks for your responses everybody. Just a couple of notes though. As I understand it, her closed head injury and depression are not related. She was already suffering from the depression before she had her closed head injury. That is not to say that her depression was not adversely affected with the head injury.

I also do not feel that I am rescuing her. I really am not looking forward to the next trip to the emergency room. I have also told her that misusing her perscription drugs will be grounds for me to leave, and since her mom took over that responsiblilty, there have been no other incidents. I love the person she is underneath all of this. I would marry her in a heartbeat, if it weren't for all of these issues. When things are good, she is smart, fun, outgoing, laughs, etc. However most of the time she lies in bed, It's hard to get her to go places. Many things that I enjoy doing, I have to do by myself. When I said that I feel that all I am is a caretaker, I meant that I don't feel like I have a partner in a relationship. What has kept me with her is when she is feeling good, and her little baby. However, I don't know if this is enough to keep me with her. Thanks for all of your comments.
This is not a relationship. Its not as if you were together, committed and then she got sick. She came to you sick, and was probably expecting you to step up.

You sound like a very kind-hearted person, but I personally would extract myself from a situation like this. Be an arms-length friend to her if you wish, but you deserve a "real" relationship with someone that is as fulfilling to you.
 
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olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #23  July 15,2009, 10:40am
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Nanette wrote :
This is not a relationship. Its not as if you were together, committed and then she got sick. She came to you sick, and was probably expecting you to step up.

You sound like a very kind-hearted person, but I personally would extract myself from a situation like this. Be an arms-length friend to her if you wish, but you deserve a "real" relationship with someone that is as fulfilling to you.
Not knowing all the information, I would lean towards agreeing with Nanette... even with all I said, the most important thing is she needs to really really want to correct herself. Untill she makes that decision, you might just be enabling / assisting her in staying "where she is at"
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #24  July 15,2009, 1:50pm
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olneyjeeps wrote :
educate educate educate yourself or probability is you will never understand and never be able to positively deal with
Does all this education happen before, during or after you "communicate, communicate, communicate, PERIOD". Not sure where I read this marvel of a quote, but I love it and for some reason believe you are the author.

And sorry, just couldn't resist
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #25  July 15,2009, 1:57pm
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Harvey7 wrote :
Dear Dr. Ice Cream,
Been there before and recognize the symptom's purely coincidental, but it's this gentleman's lucky day, that I gave him 2 places that treats it and also put name to his lady's illness.

Harvey7.

PS, A Blow Pop is a Lolly Pop that is shaped like a whistle
and it allows you to suck and blow at the same time!
Would you like me to send you one?
Dearest Dr. Harvey,

Being a good intuitive doctor that you are, you should have known that while I used to love certain whistling sounds in my younger days, I have now fully resolved this particular affliction.

Now, please take a word of friendly, doctorly advice - put yourself on the nearest quacking duck and send yourself up into the sky, all the way until you reach the sunset.

The Wizard will meet you there, of course
 
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LXS27 is offline LXS27 Post #26  July 15,2009, 2:00pm
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You either love her for who she IS or you don't. The rest you deal with as they are presented. She is in obvious need of true counseling. Something only a professional could give her. You are not there to be a counselor, but you can be there to take her to the appointments. You are not there to fix her, but you can be there to hold her hand. Everyone has issues, and everyone deserves the chance to get better.
So again, ask yourself: Are you in love with her or are you in love with being her caretaker?
SImple -
 
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freefroggy is offline freefroggy Post #27  July 15,2009, 4:56pm
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I'm sorry you are having so much trouble.
I'll be a big sister to ya now and just say...
Since you have so many questions, issues
and seem to doubt your level of comittment,
it sounds like it's time to move on. You cannot remain in a relationship out of pity,
(been there done that) and you cannot assume responsibility for someone elses poor choices. That's my best sisterly advice.
Besides...you can always just 'be a friend' without taking on the world.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #28  July 15,2009, 11:34pm
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p_babe wrote :
Ok, are you sitting down? If not sit down. Ready?
What the hell do you think you're doing?!! Get out of her life and stop rescuing her. I know it fulfills something in you to rescue her and have all this drama in your life (you love the drama, I can tell).
You are equivalent to a woman saying, "Well, he used to beat me 5 times a day but now he only beats me once a week so I guess it's getting better."
What do you get when you rescue a damsel in distress? A distressed damsel.
Take care of yourself dear, you deserve so much more.
Very succinctly put! I liked the "damsel" quote and the "beating" analogy.
It's amazing that some people seem to just attract drama isn't it? I know everyone can have "stuff" happen to them, the the head injury and the broken ankle, but it seems like some people have an inordinate amount of it.

I have a girlfriend who has had three marriages, 6 kids (3 still at home) with 3 different fathers and just married a 4th time to man who never had kids. What a saint that guy is (or stupid)! Oh, one child is disabled, another two have various learning disorders or diagnoses, a grown daughter is mentally ill and my girlfriend has taken in this daughter's child (her grandchild) to raise. She is always in some crisis, had had I don't know how many surgeries, illnesses, car accidents, horrible family tragedies, and various other crisis'.....
This woman is stunningly gorgeous and I love her as a friend but would I have ever fixed her up with any other single friend of mine? Uh, uh, no way!

Funnily enough I think we were good friends because I tempered her drama, because I am so anti-drama it helped tone things down somehow. She also knew that I was there to help her if she really needed it but also knew I wouldn't allow myself to be sucked into the drama.
 
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foreverhis is offline foreverhis Post #29  July 16,2009, 10:27am
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If you need to ask, then you might consider getting some help, yourself. Everyone needs more than to be the marter.
 
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SizzlinSaguaro is offline SizzlinSaguaro Post #30  July 19,2009, 7:49pm
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Once again, the responses here have been much appreciated. There has been much information given here that I have taken to heart. She does see many doctors, therapists, and psychiatrists, but I don't know how much they communicate with each other to truly know her health and mental state. I have been enabling her to continue in her current condition, with no striving to really get better. Sometimes it just seems that letting her sleep all day is better than getting up and dealing with the world, and the pain that she is continually experiencing. I do agree with some of the people here that taking a step back from the relationship and being a friend (away from the drama) should probably be the best thing that I should do for myself. However, if I do this, there is a danger that she may shut me out of her life altogether, and may also trigger her depression to come back for another round.

Once again, thanks to everyone who has replied.
 
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