love is not a feeling??

I guess I just don't put that much conscious thought into the whole thing--if things are right, it happens, and if they aren't, they don't. I don't sit down and consciously say, "I am going to choose to love this man." I either get to know him, date him, and fall in love with him, or I don't. For me, it's definitely a feeling--an emotion.

I guess I just don't put that much conscious thought into the whole thing--if things are right, it happens, and if they aren't, they don't. I don't sit down and consciously say, "I am going to choose to love this man." I either get to know him, date him, and fall in love with him, or I don't. For me, it's definitely a feeling--an emotion.

i was just reading one of the eh articles.

it quotes that "love is not a feeling,, its a decsision".

what do you all think about that??

No, I didn't misunderstand anything that you were trying to say, and I don't dump a guy when the rush wears off--I have much more substance than that, and if you knew anything at all about me, you'd realize that. To me, it's much more than consciously choosing to make a decision, which is the crux of what I felt this post was about.

I have had many long term relationships, and I do know that they take a lot of hard work--I'm not exactly a starry eyed idiotic kid here. However, to say that there's no emotion involved in that, at least for me, would be a complete lie. The emotion and feeling of love doesn't just go away. I continue to feel it. I do the things that I do within a relationship because of the emotion--the way I feel about the person--and not because I once had a euphoric feeling for him.

"What happens in your scenario after the euphoria of falling in love' wears off? Do you just move on to the next guy because the feeling has changed? How do you treat the person you're with on a day to day basis? Is it ok to be hurtful and abusive and then to justify it by saying 'but I love you' because you 'feel' love for him?"

I'm not really sure what you were aiming at here, but I don't appreciate the insinuation you've made about me here at all. You don't know me, and to imply that I would just toss a guy aside when the euphoria wears off is not only way off base, it's an inappropriate and rude implication to make. I have never been this way in my life, and I will never be this way. I am a woman of integrity and character, and not some sort of childish little floosie. I am in no way abusive or hurtful to the men I date, and when I am in a relationship, I treat the man I'm with on a day to day basis with the utmost care, respect, and love. Abusing another person is not something that I am capable of doing.

Just because we may not see this in the same way does not mean that you or I are any more correct about this topic. I was responding to the topic as it was written. Your implications about me because I don't see it your way, though, are really out of line, and I would truly hope that you would take some time to entertain another viewpoint rather than just attacking the person who said it and making unfounded assumptions about that person. You'll notice that I never once implied anything negative about you because you don't see this as I do, and I'd appreciate the same in return.

Actually, the brain responding before the feeling registers is not a choice

That unconscious, uninformed reaction is the impulse.

I was not aware of the neuroscience, but it helps explain why denying one's feelings is so destructive and leads to problems with addictions and impulse control. If the impulse happens before the feeling registers, then the logical way to 'free us from the terrier-like bite of impulse' would be to reduce not extend the time before feeling registers. Only after it registers can we make a conscious choice. The time prior to registering the feeling would simply be a reaction/impulse.

If old-time religion and much of psychotherapy are focussed on delaying the registering of that feeling, that would explain why they have had such limited success with impulse disorders and things like addiction. Approaches that encourage people to 'feel their feelings' and work through them in a constructive manner tend to be much more productive.

I think you misunderstood some of what I was trying to say.

I don't think we necessarily choose who we fall for, but we do choose whether we love them - and in what way. Are you able to consider his well-being or is the only thing that matters your own self-gratification in the moment? If it's the latter, are you really 'loving' him? Would you pursue a relationship with them even if they are married?

What happens in your scenario after the euphoria of falling in love' wears off? Do you just move on to the next guy because the feeling has changed? How do you treat the person you're with on a day to day basis? Is it ok to be hurtful and abusive and then to justify it by saying 'but I love you' because you 'feel' love for him?

Like I said earlier - often it's that initial feeling of love that motivates us to love actively. We're probably going to invest more energy in doing things for someone we feel love for than for someone we barely know.

But that feeling is not the totality of love. It's only one part of it. And when it comes to sustaining a healthy long-term relationship, love without action isn't going to get you very far.

The thing is, that even if you lose the feeling of love for a while, loving and being loved actively can usually bring that back, barring any really serious issues.

Well....at least you still remembered it when you sobered up.

LOVE is a VERB!

I guess I just don't put that much conscious thought into the whole thing--if things are right, it happens, and if they aren't, they don't. I don't sit down and consciously say, "I am going to choose to love this man." I either get to know him, date him, and fall in love with him, or I don't. For me, it's definitely a feeling--an emotion.