emna is offline emna Post #1  July 11,2009, 5:47pm
emna's Avatar

Joined: Jul 2009

Alberta

Posts: 1

See profile

I have been with this eharmony guy for 2 years. Involved in every way. I love him dearly but I see the flags but can't manage to leave. What makes it difficult is that he is always very nice, soft spoken when informing me "we are not compatible" "we have difficulties passing from were we are to marriage". He gets angry when I touch the topic of moving to the next step.

I need to leave, I need to leave why it feels I can't. For God sake! why? it is obvious he only wants me on his terms: available for outtings, holidays, coffees, family events, work yard, church, spending weekends together but at the end of the day, I have to go back to my place and make sure I don't leave my stuff at his place. Two years and the routine is that of: see him go back home. His previous girlfriends lasted 3 months each.... they had to many differences he tells me. but..... that is what he tells me also and based on his past history he got rid of them all after being with them for sometime.... on and off ...Oh Lord, help me to leave.
 
  Reply With Quote
j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #2  July 12,2009, 4:20pm
j0hn8andy's Avatar

.....yes, she.....Sweeps past softly, without a sigh.....

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2009

California

Posts: 5,104

See profile

You already know what you need to do. I'm going to tell you this for your own good.

When a man treats you like he has, you are a fool to stay with him. Worse than a fool, his doormat!

He tells you over and over you are worth nothing to him?

Hard as it may be, I promise you that if you gather what little dignity you have left, walk out on him and don't EVER look back, you will gain some measure of your self-respect back. The longer you stay away from him, the more self-respect you get. And someday it won't hurt anymore.

So stop thinking about it. You are paralyzing yourself with fear. Leave him now.
 
  Reply With Quote
hazmat is offline hazmat Post #3  July 12,2009, 4:31pm
hazmat's Avatar

is not back

Veteran

Joined: Apr 2008

Posts: 2,060

See profile

The problem is that you hate the thought that you wasted two years and hope that things will change.

They won't.

A man who won't let you stay over after two years, or let you leave things at his house to make you feel a little at home is just...weird. You may love him dearly, but the feeling isn't mutual. Why waste any more time ?
 
  Reply With Quote
OverAnalyzer is offline OverAnalyzer Post #4  July 12,2009, 4:57pm
OverAnalyzer's Avatar

is trying not to

Pacesetter

Joined: Jul 2009

Southern New Hampshire

Posts: 479

See profile

You don't live with him so you don't have to leave. You have to stop responding to him. Period. Act as though he is no longer in your life. I hope you don't feel afraid because you think he is the only one for you. If you stay with him, you will slowly lose your spirit and become depressed, if you aren't already.

Try to change your daily routine. If you work, take a ride after, window shop, go to a bookstore. Make plans on the weekend even if you go to a movie alone or go for a walk.

It won't be easy because you are obviously hurting but the most rewarding things in life never are. Be strong.
 
  Reply With Quote
ami1uwant is online now ami1uwant Post #5  July 12,2009, 7:56pm
ami1uwant's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: Feb 2008

Seattle, WA

Posts: 4,640

See profile

"we are not compatible" ........then why are you still with him? what is it about him? are you afraid ou cant find someone else? afraid you have wasted your time?

Have you sat down and had the talk with him about what you are seeing or feeling? Does he realize you need to take the next step?

I am sorry but it doesnt take 2 yrs to get to this point in deciding.
 
  Reply With Quote
Nanette is offline Nanette Post #6  July 12,2009, 8:14pm
Nanette's Avatar

~ giving gentle smack-downs... vewy vewy gentle

Power Poster

Joined: Jun 2008

Posts: 7,451

See profile

emna wrote :
I have been with this eharmony guy for 2 years. Involved in every way. I love him dearly but I see the flags but can't manage to leave. What makes it difficult is that he is always very nice, soft spoken when informing me "we are not compatible" "we have difficulties passing from were we are to marriage". He gets angry when I touch the topic of moving to the next step.

I need to leave, I need to leave why it feels I can't. For God sake! why? it is obvious he only wants me on his terms: available for outtings, holidays, coffees, family events, work yard, church, spending weekends together but at the end of the day, I have to go back to my place and make sure I don't leave my stuff at his place. Two years and the routine is that of: see him go back home. His previous girlfriends lasted 3 months each.... they had to many differences he tells me. but..... that is what he tells me also and based on his past history he got rid of them all after being with them for sometime.... on and off ...Oh Lord, help me to leave.
Because you had sex with the guy and he had no desire for a commitment with you. You invested TWO YEARS with this guy, and you are hanging on to that investment. Sever this going nowhere relationship NOW.
 
  Reply With Quote
Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #7  July 13,2009, 8:09am

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

East Coast

Posts: 1,079

See profile

Dear Emna,
Life is made up of bio-rhythms along with both right and left turns.
He is not the problem his behavior is predictable as it's been in the past.

The problem is your out of sync with yourself mentally and emotionally.
You Zig when you should be Zaging and vice verse or in other words you are stressing yourself out and it's affecting your bio-rhythms. You have allowed him to brow beat you down until you can't think straight.
You are allowing him to treat you like a 2nd. class person.

Find a therapist (Phd.) who specializes in Marriage counseling and couples counseling and who's been there before. Let the therapist help you to start thinking straight again and help you to be your own best friend as well. The therapist will help you to be objective in your overview and most importantly how best to communicate with him without stressing yourself out. The last item is plan a mini vacation with a girl friend to a place like club med or Can Coon to get your bio-rhythem's back in sync again.

Harvey7
 
  Reply With Quote
BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #8  July 13,2009, 8:17am
BikerBeagle's Avatar

thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

Virtuoso

Joined: Aug 2008

Kansas

Posts: 2,548

See profile

Why can't you leave him? ...because you are emotionally paralyzed by fear ...fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of failure, etc. You know this kind of relationship isn't what you want, it isn't making you happy ...yet, you stay because - in some way - it's comfortable and familiar.

At some point, you have to let go of your fear and take the first step. Yes, an unknown future is a scary place, but it's far better than the present you find yourself in.
 
  Reply With Quote
IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #9  July 13,2009, 8:42am
IcecreamMoon's Avatar

Nothing to see here at all...

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 2,847

See profile

ami1uwant wrote :
"we are not compatible" ........then why are you still with him? what is it about him? are you afraid ou cant find someone else? afraid you have wasted your time?

Have you sat down and had the talk with him about what you are seeing or feeling? Does he realize you need to take the next step?

I am sorry but it doesnt take 2 yrs to get to this point in deciding.
I'm not Lord and you may be right, of course.
But in this situation it sounds like they did do all the necessary talking and either he can't express himself properly, or the OP should probably stop wasting more of her time and leave.

Personally, I'd probably give an opportunity of one final conversation and a definite timeframe (something like the end of the day) before leaving permanently.

Best of luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
JoJoBean is offline JoJoBean Post #10  July 13,2009, 5:48pm
JoJoBean's Avatar

wishes she was out in the sunshine.

Quick Study

Joined: Jan 2009

Somewhere in the sierra's

Posts: 173

See profile

Lay your cards n the table. If you are in love with him tell him so. Tell him you require more from the relationship and what it is that you require. Tell him that if he cannot or is not willing to give it to you that you will find someone who can.
Tell him! Tell him!
I wish you happiness
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« Re-writing your ex's profile | Relationships | what's the connotation here? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:06pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0