We're Engaged but am I taking too big of a risk?


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isloveworthit is offline isloveworthit Post #1  July 9,2009, 5:23pm
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Here's the situation: my fiance and I have been together off and on since 1996, more on than off. We have 3 children together. He has 2 kids from a previous relationship. I didn't have any children when we met. Ok, he has asked to marry me for years now but I didn't think he was ready for a full committment and I wanted to finish school before we married. So now that I've finished school, I agreed to set a wedding date for July 2009. Unfortunately, my father passed away in October 2008, so I pushed the date back to October 2009. Then he started acting strange about the wedding plans and told me that he no longer wanted to get married in October but he wanted to wait until later. I also found out that he fathered another child with an ex-girlfriend within the last 3 years. That devestated me when he told me. He told me that he didn't want me to leave him, that's why he never told me. That really hurt me but I told him that we would work through it. So I asked why he wanted to postpone the wedding. He wouldn't give me a reason other than, "I want to be the best husband I can be to you and right now, I won't be able to do it." So, I initially cancelled the wedding plans even though I have bought dresses and paid for reservations. Later, he tells me that he wants to get married next year, 2010, during the spring. So, I change everything to April. He agreed on the changes. Well, next is where advice is needed. We got into an argument about his ex-girlfriend/son's mother and the way she treats him. She curses him out and makes demands and I don't like that. But he insists on being "nice" to her for the sake of his son. Well, during the course of this argument, it was revealed that he has 2 paternity cases pending with 2 OTHER different women from about 4-5 years ago. One child was a DNA match to him and I don't even know about the other one. He told me that he didn't tell me about it to "protect" me and that he knew that by October, he would still be going back and forth to court regarding these cases. He said that he has no contact with one of the mother/child and that the other one only wants child support and nothing else. My heart is with him 100%. My mind is telling me to trust him and let him work out these problems so we can get married in April. His family loves me and my family loves him. It would be a lot to sacrifice for his mistakes. He has helped me financially through school. He helps me with the kids. I don't know what to do. He is a good provider and I feel that he has learned his lesson but I keep worrying about any future "baby-mama drama." Please help!
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #2  July 9,2009, 6:35pm
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You have to decide if any of these children happened while you considered yourself in a relationship with him. If the answer is yes, then he cheated. If he cheated once, he'll cheat again and again and again. (Which is what all this sounds like to me.)

Your decision is: Are you willing to accept this behavior because he's never going to change?
 
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grlnxtdr is offline grlnxtdr Post #3  July 9,2009, 6:36pm
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Wow,
"Baby Momma" drama is right. So how many kids does he have? I think I counted five. Well first off I would like to say that the foundation to any good relationship is trust. I sounds as if this guy lies and lies and lies, is irresponsible and blames it on "drama" women. Ask yourself what kind of a man denies that he has children. I can understand not wanting to tell you about the women, but to lie about the exisistance of children is horrible. It sounds as if he is a great dad to your kids now,,,but a deadbeat dad to his other chilrdren. How long before he kicks you to the curb and is with a new women making babies with her? And these are the kids you know about! If the courts have to get involved then it is a serious sign that he is irresponsible.
Getting married will not change him, he is who he is. Marriage will not magically make him honest with you. Does he have a job? How can he afford all these kids, the child support payments are gonna be through the roof.
So my recomendation is don't marry him. If he is serious about a relationship with you he would not be denying his kids.He may even have other women on the side right now and denying you and your kids exitence to her.
Sorry to rain on you parade, I don't sugar coat things, but women to women....take care of you and your kids first.
Good luck.
 
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howlong is offline howlong Post #4  July 9,2009, 6:53pm
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The number of children seems to be between 5 and 8.

8 Being 3 with OP, 2 from previous relationships, 3 from untold relationships.

As much as I dont like the situation, it sounds like you 2 have been together for 13 years. In that time he has been with at lease 3 other women. Tbh sounds like he cant keep things in his pants and that he has more skeletons in the closet in "protecting you" which it sounds more like he is protecting himself and giving you big news letting it settle and moving onto the next devastating thing. When is it going to end?
 
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Doctora2012 is offline Doctora2012 Post #5  July 9,2009, 8:00pm
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I think only YOU can determine whether you're taking too big of a risk. Personally, one "baby's mama drama" would've been too much and my response would've been to move on......Next!

After all of these experiences, I know in my heart that it'd be too difficult to trust him and establish a life together. You're wondering now whether there'll be anymore baby's-mama-drama, do you want to keep wondering about this for the rest of your life? Granted, he may have changed (you know him; none of us on here do). I just know that, personally, I'd always be wondering "what if" and this would be torture....Life is about living, loving, and laughing (in my eyes); this situation doesn't seem to allow for much of this.

...Best wishes
 
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meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #6  July 9,2009, 8:12pm
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I think you should have some more kids, just be to be extra sure....
 
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flowerchild66 is offline flowerchild66 Post #7  July 9,2009, 8:33pm
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Yes, you are taking too big of a risk, even if he doesn't father any more children over and above the 3 he has (with three different women?).

Your fiance wants to protect you? He's had unprotected sex with these women multiple times, and you only know about those he's impregnated. Thank goodness it was just the babies. Think of what else he's come home with, or what he might have come home with.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #8  July 10,2009, 12:48am

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Simply put he needs to have a vasectomy because he is like a dog in heat! You my dear need to have your head examined as to why you believe his constant lying? You are his sucker and also his security blanket. the mother of his children and possibly the poorest decision maker for herself and her children's future, that I've had the displeasure to read about in a long time. If he is ordered to pay 25% of his income to each of his other children, where does that leave you and your children? Good looks fade, but dumb is forever. by Judge Judy.

Someday your are going to have to face your children and explain, how you got mixed up with such a loser and why you decided to bastardize them in the legal sense of the word? He has something going on with another women and that is why he is stalling about getting married, but he is hanging on to you for his ego.
Why kind of life can he offer you and your kids? Not much. What does it cost to feed, cloth and to educate a child? Now times it by 3?

You really need to find some counseling for all of you, it is very destructive, (but the sex is good?) Look at all of the years that you have wasted. Move on quickly or you'll get sucked in again.

Harvey7.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #9  July 10,2009, 7:23pm
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Okay, this is the advice that I seen other posters give to similar situations and I am going to repeat it.

Imagine your best girlfriend coming to you with this story. Re-read your story as if your girlfriend was telling it to you. Would you advise her to keep him??????

As to me, I can't even believe you are even asking us if you should stay!
 
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SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #10  July 11,2009, 3:24am
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Ok, here's my opinion.

It's interesting that you are with a man that lies\conceals or deceives in the name of "protecting" you. You are an adult and do not require another adult to decide what you can and can't handle. Surely your desire is for a life partner who treats you like an adult rather than a child?

Obviously you are concerned about this concealment otherwise you would not be posting on this board asking for opinions. The fact you are concerned means that this situation is not acceptable to you on some level. I would not marry someone while I had such reservations unresolved.

You must know now, that any longterm attachment to this man will come with past girlfriends in tow since there are children and paternity suits involved. Is that something you want in your life? No judgements, you just have to decide that for yourself.

Finally no matter what, you will never have any say whatsoever in what relationship he has with these other women. If you ever try to have influence there you will very quickly find yourself on the outer (in the style you have recently experienced) since those relationships concern him, the woman and the child only. As far as he is concerned they are none of your business and never will be. Is this also a situation you want to have in your life?

There is no right or wrong here, only right and wrong for you. If you can become clear for yourself on the answer to these questions then you will know what to do. It's not really about him, it's about you. This is your life, live it like it matters.
Last edited by SoOverIt; July 11,2009 at 3:29am.
 
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