lostdude is offline lostdude Post #1  July 8,2009, 4:52pm
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my 5 month relationship ended very badly 5 months ago. i know i "should" be over it, but this was my first relationship ever. And when we were together, it was fantastic. it was the end where things just exploded and she dumped me in a very horrible way. i still can't put it together, how who i thought was a sweet girl can do such a horrible thing.

i was moving along nicely (very very slowly). and then i made the mistake of contacting her. she wanted to get us so "we don't hate each other"...and i was weak and wanted to get back together, even though i KNOW deep down inside that she's not the right one.

and this is my problem. even though i know she's bad, i still want her. what the ****, right?! I know she's capable of being mean, punishing, manipulative, angry, will always hurt me, and she doesn't even want to get back together. it's probably because she's my first girlfriend, ever. but i still want her.

is it really as easy as "give it time?" because right now, i get panic attacks where i fear i won't find anyone. where i don't know what to do to start up a new relationship. i freak every time i think of another guy getting to kiss her and hug her (she's really good at all things intimate).

it's like i don't believe myself. one part of me says "she showed you who she is. she's someone who is willing to hurt someone she said she loves" but the rest of me is focusing on the good. the road trips, the cooking, the fantastic dates, the affection. not being able to believe myself is such a horrible feeling!

i don't know...i feel very lost...the thought that someone can say "i love you. you make me happier than i've ever been in my life. i like who i am when i'm around you. i'm scared of not being happy without you" and then turn around and treat me like crap...i just can't understand it.
 
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lostdude is offline lostdude Post #2  July 9,2009, 8:54am
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i have calmed down quite a bit since yesterday. but this question still remains. how can i know that i should stop chasing? am i fooling myself when i think she's actually worth chasing, even after causing such a nasty breakup? can i know that she'll behave nicely or poorly in the future, based on what i've experienced (because I've experienced both good and bad sides of her).

is it just wishful thinking to think that the mean side she showed me was just a result of stress and fear (she tends to wig out under stress), or is that really a part of who she is and if hypothetically we do get married, will that come to bite me in the butt 15 years down the road?

how do i just "let it die?" when things just felt so right when she was here?
 
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passerine is offline passerine Post #3  July 9,2009, 9:19am
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Hi,

I know exactly where you're coming from; the pain, the confusion, the fear. I had my own bad break-up in Febuary and I took it much worse than my first, he left me for someone else so getting back together didn't remain a pipe dream for too long but I can remeber wishing he'd change his mind but being afraid that he would.

Its only recently that I haven't felt utterly weighed down by all of these feelings, they sadly only get easier to handle with time. I kept wondering where I could get this time, where could I buy it. It doesn't seem possible but somehow things realign. I started to see a therapist (I wasn't sleeping or eating for the first week and a half so it was pretty imperitive). I talked about my feelings ad nauseum with friends, I tried to stay busy and I joined eharmony. At first I wasn't anywhere near ready to be with anyone but it helped to know there were others out there looking for someone and slowly I've started communicating with them.

I really lost myself in my last relationship and so I thought I would take the time to get to know me. So yes I started therapy, I love dance so I started dancing and doing yoga again, and I've started exploring tantra for myself. Go out and do things just for you. Take a class in something, eat your favorite junkfood (a little), watch a T.V. sereies you've always wanted to see back to front. I made a list of the things I wanted from life and the person I wanted and I talked about that with close friends. Try to treat yourself with as much love and affection (with a little indulgence) that you would give to a lover.

At first I only had good hours, than good days, now I'm almost to whole weeks! It's always two steps forward one step back but slowly I've felt more in control of who I was and more confident that I deserve someone who will make me a priority in there life. Monday I made a post similar to yours, but that was a bad day. I worry though, because in September I'll have to start seeing him twice a week and that frightens me. I'm not sure how to handle that, or how to act....

One last thing, I started reading a book called "Looking for love in all the wrong places", it's about people who form unhealthy bonds. The person the author decribed at first seemed like my ex (kind of), but what was chilling was the person who would date that person was me! The feelings and thoughts the author described the lover having were the ones I'd been struggling with. It helped me grasp my feelings. (the book is a little dated).

I hope this helps a little, let me know how you're doing and what you're doing to keep busy. Support systems are key ....to quote Redgreen "I'll be pulling for you, we're all in this together"
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  July 9,2009, 10:46am
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Here's what you are really missing.. not her ,per se, a nice happy decent woman can offer you all this without the BS and drama...what you stated below:, "the rest of me is focusing on the good. the road trips, the cooking, the fantastic dates, the affection . & really good at all things intimate) It is normal to miss these things and the idea of a relationship. Just remember that ...You miss what a relationship has to offer... not this drama queen
lostdude wrote :
my 5 month relationship ended very badly 5 months ago. i know i "should" be over it, but this was my first relationship ever. And when we were together, it was fantastic. it was the end where things just exploded and she dumped me in a very horrible way. i still can't put it together, how who i thought was a sweet girl can do such a horrible thing.

i was moving along nicely (very very slowly). and then i made the mistake of contacting her. she wanted to get us so "we don't hate each other"...and i was weak and wanted to get back together, even though i KNOW deep down inside that she's not the right one.

and this is my problem. even though i know she's bad, i still want her. what the ****, right?! I know she's capable of being mean, punishing, manipulative, angry, will always hurt me, and she doesn't even want to get back together. it's probably because she's my first girlfriend, ever. but i still want her.

is it really as easy as "give it time?" because right now, i get panic attacks where i fear i won't find anyone. where i don't know what to do to start up a new relationship. i freak every time i think of another guy getting to kiss her and hug her (she's really good at all things intimate).

it's like i don't believe myself. one part of me says "she showed you who she is. she's someone who is willing to hurt someone she said she loves" but the rest of me is focusing on the good. the road trips, the cooking, the fantastic dates, the affection. not being able to believe myself is such a horrible feeling!

i don't know...i feel very lost...the thought that someone can say "i love you. you make me happier than i've ever been in my life. i like who i am when i'm around you. i'm scared of not being happy without you" and then turn around and treat me like crap...i just can't understand it.
 
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lostdude is offline lostdude Post #5  July 10,2009, 11:03am
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thanks for the replies, passerine and wiseman. i definitely miss what a relationship has to offer. i also have the fear that i don't know how to start a new relationship, because she was the one who chased me down, did all the work.

i'm accepting that i have a path of unknown length ahead...where i learn to date and have to go through some goats before i find someone again. it's just tough to go on so many first dates and feel absolutely nothing!
 
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SouthernChristian is offline SouthernChristian Post #6  July 10,2009, 11:33am
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The end of a relationship is heartbreaking, but you must move on.

The best advise I can give you is to get involved in something and stay busy. Do you enjoy volunteering? find a worthy cause and put some time into, you will also make new friends this way. If you are a church going person, get involved in church activities, let your pastor know you are available to help out in any way. There really is joy in helping others. Hang out with your friends. You are missing the activities you were doing as much or more than the person you were with. There is no reason not to continue taking road trips and cooking with friends.

This is what I have done to get over an 11 year relationship that never turned into marriage because he just didn't want to get married and I decided to move on. I am speaking from experience. It's been 6 months and I still think of him, but I am content in my singleness. Also by being involved in my church I went to a camp and met a someone, only the Lord knows where it will lead, but get out and get active and you will feel better.

Hope this helps.
 
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