Problems with "I Love You"


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wordwoman is offline wordwoman Post #11  July 6,2009, 6:47pm
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Blackadder wrote :
I think some people use special terms like "I love you" far too often so that it's not speciual anymore, it's just a common phrase. I use it very rarely, even with those that I do love. It just means that much more when I do say it and the person knows that I really mean it. So when you're talking with your friends and you say you love this or that or love cheescake or love neck rubs then turn around and say you love your boyfriend, it just lumps him in with those other things. The impact of the word is lost and just doesn't mean a whole lot.
This is why I generally use the word "adore" when speaking of such things. I, too, rarely use the word "love."
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #12  July 7,2009, 1:34am
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5. “Yes, I’m interested in a serious relationship.”

Really Means - “I’m carefully assessing every woman I meet, and when I find one that feels just right. I’ll marry her.”

Men have a reputation for being commitment phobic, and this reputation is born out of what men say to women. The truth is a little harder to take. Many men will blame their disinterest in a particular woman on their commitment phobia, but they aren’t really scared of commitment. They have decided, based on what they’ve seen and heard, that this particular woman isn’t right for them. That’s not commitment phobia. That’s good, smart mate selection!
pixie11 wrote :
Re: Wiseman2's comments...

I guess I did not clarify. I did not need to convince or persuade him to move in with me at all. I simply brought it up. Literally, I said "Don't freak out, but maybe we could move in together. Since it would save us both money and we already spend so much time together." He said, "whoa, okay, let me think about it" - and then we did not talk about it for about a week. At that point in time, he just turned to me and said, "Okay, let's do it." And I said, "Do what?" And he said, "Move in together."

My point regarding his hesitancy in moving in together was simply that though for ALL practical reasons (not simply financial - because I did clarify to him that I did NOT want to move in together if it was PURELY for financial reasons, and he did at that point say that he did actually think it would be fun to live together since we already spend so much time together) it made perfect sense for us to move in, but it just took him a long time to be able to process it in his own head and get past his commitment issues.

And never never never in a MILLION years would I ever want "I love you" to be said without the full meaning behind it. But I KNOW that he does love me! He just can't seem to get past his commitment issues in his own head. So I guess my question really is...should I just wait it out and let him try to work through it on his own, or should I bring it up and try to work through it with him?
 
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fotogirlie is offline fotogirlie Post #13  July 9,2009, 10:45am
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Talk to him!!! Communication is key, and I totally understand worrying about it, being scared to bring it up, because I am the same way. But I have learned that it is better to know than to wonder. Because if you don't bring it up it will continue to bother you and you could be wasting your time with a man who isn't ever going to say I love you. Or on the flip side he could just be too scared or unsure of how to do it since you said that he has not really been in a serious relationship before, and once you bring it up it, he'll say it and mean it and things will be great without the "I love you" cloud over your relationship. In the end you'll be better off even if it turns out he isn't saying it because he doesn't since it'll leave you free to find someone who will and you deserve that.
 
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meanminicooper is offline meanminicooper Post #14  July 9,2009, 7:30pm
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The true story is somewhere in the middle.

Im sure he feels that actions are louder than words and making a decision to move in and continue an almost year long relationship means more than the words themselves. For me, constantly saying "I love you" cheapened it and I took care when to use it. As much as you like to throw it around, maybe he is more cautious with it.

You did mention that you fell in love with 2 other guys and now him. Maybe he takes love slower than you do?
 
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avinash is offline avinash Post #15  July 9,2009, 10:49pm
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I don't see why people are in such a rush to say "I love you", I believe tha should only be said when you are really sure you feel it and some people reach that point faster than others
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #16  July 9,2009, 11:52pm
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oh no! don't have *a talk*. that's doom!

ok. well, i have to say you may not think saying *i love you* is a big deal - but you feel it. i say you feel it because we're talking about it, you're contemplating what you can do to acclimate him to it, etc.

anyways, men are as simple as they say they are. if you want him to not react so badly when you say it, you'll have to tell him light-heartedly but exactly what to do when you say it (e.g., "smile and let it pass"). then you'll have to be patient while he practices and does it badly for awhile.

if you're looking for a spontaneous positive reaction from him that signifies a bond, i'd say give that up right now. *i love you* doesn't do that. and for analytical types, which maybe your boyfriend is, *like* may have a lot more substance for many reasons.
 
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Icouldwriteabook is offline Icouldwriteabook Post #17  July 10,2009, 7:33pm
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I wouldn't have as much of an issue with him not saying "I love you" as I would have the way he was so rude with his "pronouncment in front of others".

I understand that there were extenuating circumstances to your initially moving in together, but I would not consider moving in with someone unless I was "in love" with them.

However, whatever his feelings may be, what he did was completely rude and insensitive!

I dated an admitted "commitment phobe" for a year and there were times that when we were out and about and a salesclerk or someone would address him with a comment and say something like "would your wife.....?" not noticing we were not even wearing wedding rings (and we never lived together). However, he would just play along (unless the clerk persisted and he would just gently say, "we are not married". He was very much a gentleman.
 
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batgirl is offline batgirl Post #18  September 8,2009, 9:27am
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Been there...done that.....Not going to do it again. There is nothing worse than accepting a "move in" situation for financial reasons. How about "I need you because I love you" and not "I love you because I need you". Don't settle moving in with someone that doesn't absolutely adore you. Love is such a wonderful thing and we cloud it up with baggage and fear. I remember those days. It took someone over 6 months to utter the word "I love you" and he was sweating when he said it. He offered the "move in" for financial reasons. No thank you. I am worth much more than that plus I believe in Marriage and living together when I have the commitment that comes with it. He can't rent me for a period of time. I am willing to take the time to get to know and Yes! "Fall in Love" with him before moving in and giving it a go. Too many relationships are a bunch of "what I settled for". Why are we settling? I am ok being alone - I have plenty of friends and guys that seem to want to be in a relationship with me as long as it doesn't mean they have to get divorced?!, or they don't have to commit?! or they don't have to give up their bachelorhood characteristics or maybe talk once in a while and have a meaningful in depth conversation. Nope - those guys don't interest me. I have been friends with them all and that is all they are getting from me.

As for me - I have waited and held out for someone that wants to have a real grown up relationship, yes kids are involved - we are old what can I say. I am in a healthy relationship for once where the guy is kind and gentle to me and means what he says and says what he means - which action to back it up. I must be dreaming. I will let you all in on something that I haven't shared with him yet but I think I am falling in love with this wonderful guy. Had I settled and made some bad choices and treated myself like I had no value - I don't think he would have been interested in asking me out for a date. Instead I held out and believed I deserve the best and what can I say - he is not perfect by no measure. I am not either but I will keep my word, I will tell him the truth, and I will do my best to always give him the respect he deserves. With that being said - I can't imagine being with him down the road and not ever hearing the words "I love you". Those are powerful and devoted and respectful little words that mean the world to me. In fact. I am going to send him an e-mail just letting him know how sweet I think he is today. He has said wonderful compliments to me and I will return them to him. I am very scared and afraid but I won't let that ruin what could be the best thing to ever happen to me except for the birth of my son and being saved.

Have a wonderful day and don't give up hope. There is someone awesome out there - the question is....do you believe you deserve that kind of happiness?
 
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Seneca is offline Seneca Post #19  September 8,2009, 11:41am
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Hi Pixie...

Do yourself and your boyfriend a HUGE favor. Stop thinking about his "problem". Stop making it a BIG "problem".

Do right to yourself - if you are comfortable saying "I love you " to him - say it - whenever you want to, as often as you want to. Don't worry about whether it will make him feel "pressured". If he squacks, tell hiom you have as much right to express your feelings as he does to insist on expressing that he just "likes" you. If he acuses you of just doing it to "pressure" him tell him, "No, I'm doing it because it's what I feel and I am NOT going to stop saying it because of YOUR attitude. If I stop saying it, it will be because I have stopped loving you.",. and THAT, Ferris Bueler, is how it IS."
From now on when he pulls some trite refusal - realize it is him trying to jerk your chain. It hasn't anything to do with some deeps serious hurt he's had. It's nothing more than him pushing a "hot button" he's found in you. He looks for your discomfort/disappointment/embarrassment to remind him he has power over you because you have feelings for him.
Not telling you he loves you is one thing. Doing it in a context to cause you embarrassment is another.

The issue you have the right to assert yourself and demand respect from is his doing it to humiliate you.

I'd bet his little remarks come out most when the two of you are around others, which is what makes me think he feels the need to assert his "power" over you. Bottom line - he's an emotional bully. Good news is, bullies fold once you stand up to their apple sauce.

When he does it, stay calm, put your "Dirty Harry face" on and halt HIM in front of everyone and say - "look Ferris. If you can't say "I love you" from your heart in private that's your way and you know I don't bug you about it. But intentionally making it an issue in front of people just to to humiliate me IS "across the line" and you owe me an apology for that."
Sound and look like you are serious and then be quiet making it clear you are waiting for the apology. If he comes back with some smartypants remark or a denial - don't change your appearance at all and don't respond... just make it clear you are still waiting for that apology. He started it - and this time he has only one way to finish it.
If he starts trying to pass it all off as "funny" just keep looking at him and repeat "I want the apology, Ferris." If you don't get it, don't get mad, just distance yourself from him for the evening or the night or a couple days and don't let him "make it all better" until he say's "I'm sorry". You'll see, having no choice but to say I'm sorry" will make saying "I love you" look pretty good to him.

But you have to remember not to argue with him about whether he was trying to humiliate you. He IS Guilty. There IS NO argument, no fight, no debate, no discussion, no "I was just kiddin'", no "Gimme sympathy", no laughing apology.
There is a sincere apology or there is distance/silence - those are his only two choices. They will be his only two choices tonight, tomorrow, the next day and next week. You are drawing that line in indelible ink. It's the ony way to handle bullies. As long as they can keep you talking, they are winning because they don't have to apologize and admit they are wrong. - and that is their only license to keep bullying you. Take it away from him.

Good Luck !

P.S. Will add that now is a perfect opportunity for you to learn how to recognize a bully and how to stand up to them and take the wind out of their sails. Getting rid of this one so you can go get bullied by the next guy just leaves you with a "new guy - same problem" situation. Stand up for yourself now.
Last edited by Seneca; September 8,2009 at 12:50pm.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #20  September 9,2009, 7:35am

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It's like having a trained pet! Sit Pretty, Show Me How Much You Love Mommy and Crawl and I'll Give You a Treat! He is happy to save a few dollars plus have a room mate with benefits, but you acting out your own fantasy not his! It's all going to blow up in the form of resentment and bite you in the behind.

Remember you can fool some of the people some of the time, but in this case your not fooling anyone at all, except yourself! SIT PRETTY*and Mommy will give you a
TREAT***********************

Harvey7.
Last edited by Harvey7; September 9,2009 at 7:39am.
 
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