Help! I really need some advice on this issue.


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Sun_Flower is offline Sun_Flower Post #1  July 5,2009, 3:10pm
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I don't mean to be blunt here. There is just now other way of really putting it.

I am currently 22 yrs. old. When I was 18, I was ra***. I have continuosly sought a lot of therapy and counseling for it. It was an extremely traumatic experience for me and it has since been very difficult for me to have a normal sexual relationship with someone. I have always pushed 'him' away right before the relationship becomes sexual and intimate. I am dating someone now who I am falling for and I don't want to drive him away. I just don't know what to say to him or how to put it into words. Should I just mention it casually or make it a serious issue? It has been four years since the incident, but I am still not ready for sex again.I still go to therapy and have been given advice on the subject, but I was just hungry for some mainstream/non-medical advice and your thoughts.

Thank you.
 
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eHA_Admin_Lori is offline eHA_Admin_Lori — Advice Official Moderator Post #2  July 9,2009, 3:45pm
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Sun_Flower, I just noticed your post - so sorry you have not gotten any replies. I'm going to "bump" this post in the hopes that some of your fellow Community Members can lend their advice/wisdom.

I wish you the best of luck.

Best,
-Lori
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #3  July 9,2009, 4:14pm
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Sun_Flower wrote :
I don't mean to be blunt here. There is just now other way of really putting it.

I am currently 22 yrs. old. When I was 18, I was ra***. I have continuosly sought a lot of therapy and counseling for it. It was an extremely traumatic experience for me and it has since been very difficult for me to have a normal sexual relationship with someone. I have always pushed 'him' away right before the relationship becomes sexual and intimate. I am dating someone now who I am falling for and I don't want to drive him away. I just don't know what to say to him or how to put it into words. Should I just mention it casually or make it a serious issue? It has been four years since the incident, but I am still not ready for sex again.I still go to therapy and have been given advice on the subject, but I was just hungry for some mainstream/non-medical advice and your thoughts.

Thank you.
Sun_Flower, my heart goes out to you. I think that you need to be honest about the situation so that he understands that it is not him, but a previous situation that causes you to feel this way. In my mind, it's not a casual topic of conversation, because what happened to you was not a casual thing. If he feels the way about you that you find yourself feeling about him, then he would certainly understand the sensitivity of the situation and will be understanding. However, I don't think it's something that you should hold off on until it's suddenly happening; it's probably better to talk about it before the potential for intimacy occurs. Also, I'd suggest clearly letting him know what kind of contact is and isn't okay for you at this point so he knows exactly where your boundaries are.

I wish you all the best.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  July 9,2009, 4:26pm
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I see this as possibly two different risks: you refuse a man and he leaves for a partner who won’t; or he would have been okay with your situation, but not the way you communicate it.
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  July 9,2009, 4:53pm
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brneyedangel wrote :
Sun_Flower, my heart goes out to you. I think that you need to be honest about the situation so that he understands that it is not him, but a previous situation that causes you to feel this way. In my mind, it's not a casual topic of conversation, because what happened to you was not a casual thing. If he feels the way about you that you find yourself feeling about him, then he would certainly understand the sensitivity of the situation and will be understanding. However, I don't think it's something that you should hold off on until it's suddenly happening; it's probably better to talk about it before the potential for intimacy occurs. Also, I'd suggest clearly letting him know what kind of contact is and isn't okay for you at this point so he knows exactly where your boundaries are.

I wish you all the best.



I completely agree with The Angel. Make it a serious discussion; the sooner the better.

Don't be afraid. If he's a good man, he will be able to handle this. Most men have sisters, and are capable of understanding.

If he proves himself incapable, he would not have been the man for you.

Either way, since you care for him, you have to gather your courage and tell him.

Good luck, hon.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #6  July 9,2009, 5:12pm
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I am so sorry that you went through this painful traumatic experience.

From your post, I could not tell if you have slept w/ him yet. Have you? Whether you have or not, it's wonderful that you are in touch w/ yourself and have this awareness.
When you do talk w/ him, perhaps plan a time in advance, give yourself plenty of time, and be as open and honest w/ him as you were here...the words will come.

What kind of therapist are you seeing? Do you know what EMDR is?
Last edited by pamcam; July 9,2009 at 5:26pm.
 
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Monica1 is offline Monica1 Post #7  July 9,2009, 5:26pm

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Sun_Flower, I am so sorry this happened to you. It is definitely a serious issue and you should talk to him when you are ready and as long as you feel you can trust him. Make sure you tell him you are not ready for sex. Hopefully he will understand and be there to help you through this. It takes time to work past trauma and how it affects different aspects of our lives.
 
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Dee_Dee54 is offline Dee_Dee54 Post #8  July 9,2009, 6:10pm
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Sun_Flower..I'm very sorry you had to experience such a frightening ordeal. I was also raped at the age of 9 by a 17 year old boy that lived down the street from us. It is a serious subject to discuss with anyone. The guy you are seeing now, just sit him down and tell him there is something you would like to tell him and explain to him. But Monica1 is absolutely right, make sure you can trust him before you tell him anything that has to do with that. You will know in your heart when the time is right for any sexual contact with any man. Don't ever let anyone make you feel pressured into doing anything that you aren't ready for. If they try to do that then they aren't who you need in your life nor your love live. This is just my opinion, but as the saying goes...I know because I've been there. I wish you all the luck and happiness the world has to offer you. Take care and God Bless.
With much Respect...Dee Dee
 
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Dee_Dee54 is offline Dee_Dee54 Post #9  July 9,2009, 6:17pm
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D_Lion
Obviously you are a man...there are no set limitations to deal with such a tragic situation..and by the way, it's something you never GET OVER..you just somehow GET THROUGH IT..
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #10  July 9,2009, 6:55pm
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Nothing to see here at all...

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Dee_Dee54 wrote :
D_Lion
Obviously you are a man...there are no set limitations to deal with such a tragic situation..and by the way, it's something you never GET OVER..you just somehow GET THROUGH IT..
You think? and here I was almost convinced he was a lion frog...

I'm going to put all jokes aside for a minute and don my semi-professional psychological hat on...

Hi Sun_Flower,
Firstly, I'm so sorry this happened to you. It is certainly tragic, but it's not a wall you can either get over or get through with force.

You will never be able to do either, nor will you ever be able to forget it. The only healthy way to deal with this is to LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT.

If you have not seen a professional conselor yet, I strongly recommend you do so ASAP, and only one on one at the beginning, no support groups at first (they can do more harm than good until you are ready).

You reactions are perfectly normal. And even after all the counseling in the world, sexual intimacy in the early stages of any relationship will never be easy for you to handle.

A good counselor (and please do your research here) should help you learn how to build trust with your partner before you can proceed to any kind of intimacy. Trust is important in all relationships, it is a crucial ingredient even in friendships, let alone romantic partnership.

But for someone, who was forcefully violated, you need an even higher level of Trust than most people before you can even consider any kind of intimacy. And there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that at all, nor should you ever force yourself to do anything you are not comfortable doing.

You've been through enough forcing, your life is your own. But if you wish to share it with a partner of your choice, you certainly need to let him know what happened to you, so that he is not puzzled, if you are not responding as expected to any kind of intimate contact.

Open communication is critical, but only if you want to engage in it with a particular partner. But there is nothing "light" about this for you, so do not even consider any kind of "mentioning" of this issue. It deserves a conversation of its own, with lots of seriousness, understanding, love and support to go with it.

If not, just say thanks and choose to stay friends or walk away. And if any potential partner chooses to reject you on the basis of this terrible past experience alone, then there is something wrong with this man and his own psychological issues, and you do not need that in your life anyway.

Please be kind to yourself and love yourself first and foremost, you certainly deserve it. What happened to you was no fault of yours. Unfortnately, we have to share this world with some sick individuals to balance out all the good and wonderful people on Earth.

But please do not allow on sick individual, who violated you, ruin the rest of your life. He is certainly not worth it. And please, please seek professional help, if you have not done so yet. A good professional can help you a lot here.

All my best wishes and lots of luck. And a big hug to go with it too
 
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