aingr is offline aingr Post #1  July 4,2009, 6:15pm
aingr's Avatar

is at home.

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2009

Posts: 19

See profile

I met a guy on eh on a free weekend back in March. We talked a few times before meeting and when we met we had easy conversation. He initially said that he just wanted a friend because he had recently divorced, about 2 years ago. I was cool with being friends, then after we had gotten together a few times he made the relationship intimate. So for me that said a lot. We didn't have sex right away, but he did tell me early on that he couldnt make a commitment because he isn't over his ex wife and doesn't want to be hurt and rejected again. I assumed that I was the only one he was seeing, wrong! He says he is in his dating mode and is with more women than me. I was really hurt by this mainly I guess is because I developed feelings for him even though I was trying very hard not too because of what he has told me about his past. I know that a lot of people on eh date more than one person at a time, but I assumed otherwise because I don't date more than one person at a time. But I am new to eh, so I don't know what I will do if I do meet more than one man at a time. So far he is the only one I have met because I have kids and that scares off other men before they even meet me. I just hope that I am doing the right thing by not communicating with him because we want different things. I really liked him and thought we had really hit it off. He has agreed with me on this, but then he is not ready to commit. He just keeps saying how confused he is and how he cannot understand why his marriage ended, and I am sure that he still has feelings for his ex wife. They have a daughter together so he stills has alot of contact with her. People just say that if we were meant to be together we will. But dont know if I should waste anymore of my time trying.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is offline D_Lion Post #2  July 4,2009, 6:39pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

NJ

Posts: 30,721

See profile

I would lean toward two ideas here:
[FONT=Arial]
 
  Reply With Quote
Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #3  July 4,2009, 6:59pm

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

East Coast

Posts: 1,079

See profile

Dear Aingr,
The reason that he is divorced is because he could not commit to his wife or to his vow of marriage! He is a liar and a cheat that's the line that he gives out to all his lady friends, he just wants sex with a lot of different partners. If your enjoying sex with him there is nothing wrong with that until you find a replacement guy, who is willing to commit to you.

You have to be smarter for yourself and for your child and you must also accept responsibility for your actions, sex with a partner is a two people sport. Just be wiser in the future and learn to make better decisions in the future.

Harvey7.
 
  Reply With Quote
logicalmind is offline logicalmind Post #4  July 4,2009, 7:00pm
logicalmind's Avatar

is over-analyzing life as usual

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2009

jacksonville florida

Posts: 47

See profile

It has been my experience that when a man makes a statement "I do not want a relationship" or "I do not want to make a commitment" what it REALLY MEANS is that they do not want a relationship with you. As hurtful as that is....if someone "better" comes along tomorrow that knocks them off their feet, that guy will not hesitate at jumping into a relationship.
You are smart to have broken communication with this man. A broken heart is not easy and I know you cared about him. Someone will come along who will honor your heart and this experience will be gladly forgotten. Until then, embrace your children for that is where your real love is...they can do wonders to heal a mom's heart!!
 
  Reply With Quote
Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #5  July 4,2009, 7:41pm
Bouffy's Avatar

isn't as easy to see through as you think.

Quick Study

Joined: Jul 2008

Sault Ste. Marie ON

Posts: 101

See profile

aingr wrote :
I met a guy on eh on a free weekend back in March. We talked a few times before meeting and when we met we had easy conversation. He initially said that he just wanted a friend because he had recently divorced, about 2 years ago. I was cool with being friends, then after we had gotten together a few times he made the relationship intimate. So for me that said a lot. We didn't have sex right away, but he did tell me early on that he couldnt make a commitment because he isn't over his ex wife and doesn't want to be hurt and rejected again. I assumed that I was the only one he was seeing, wrong! He says he is in his dating mode and is with more women than me. I was really hurt by this mainly I guess is because I developed feelings for him even though I was trying very hard not too because of what he has told me about his past. I know that a lot of people on eh date more than one person at a time, but I assumed otherwise because I don't date more than one person at a time. But I am new to eh, so I don't know what I will do if I do meet more than one man at a time. So far he is the only one I have met because I have kids and that scares off other men before they even meet me. I just hope that I am doing the right thing by not communicating with him because we want different things. I really liked him and thought we had really hit it off. He has agreed with me on this, but then he is not ready to commit. He just keeps saying how confused he is and how he cannot understand why his marriage ended, and I am sure that he still has feelings for his ex wife. They have a daughter together so he stills has alot of contact with her. People just say that if we were meant to be together we will. But dont know if I should waste anymore of my time trying.
He's dating other ladies while dating you? What a bozo. Who dates more than one person at a time unless they are a user? Well... I guess abusers, but either way, what a joker.
Now don't take that the wrong way, dating more than one person isn't terrible but being emotionally involved with more than one is.I should clarify that.
Don't waste your time with this fellow, it sounds to me like he's using you as a crutch to replace the emotional dependence he had with his wife. He's even using a couple ladies, who knows what he has going on with them!
I think you are right to avoid contact with him. Don't even give him a second chance. My thoughts are that you loose his details. He seriously s#@t the bed.
 
  Reply With Quote
CJF is offline CJF Post #6  July 4,2009, 9:53pm
CJF's Avatar

is pondering life

Quick Study

Joined: May 2009

NE Georgia

Posts: 143

See profile

I am sorry this happened to you.

This guy is just not over his wife or their marriage. Basically he was ready for a physical relationship with someone (or others) but he did not want the emotional attachment.

I dated this great guy..he had everything I was looking for...yet he had just gotten out of a 25 year marriage and I was his first date. He was no where near ready to be in a relationship. I ended up letting him go and wishing him the best.

What I have learned after being married a long time and going through a divorce is that you really need to heal from the "death" of your marriage. People who jump right back into dating too soon, in my opinion, are no where near ready for anything serious. They should take time for themselves and heal.

I no longer date guys who say they have been divorced less then a year or start a date off by telling me what a bad person their ex was. This person isn't ready for any commitment.

Sometimes you need to know when it's time to walk away and let a person go.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  July 5,2009, 2:46am
Wiseman2's Avatar

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 4,566

See profile

Rebound relationships are usually a disaster, with everyone hurt and disappointed. It's really almost as bad as an affair, in that, there is really the three of you:..You, him, and his obsession with the ex. It's not a relationship. It is a band aid to fill a void for him , and when his wounds are healed he will throw his band aid (you) away. Sorry, but this is the truth. Your "relationship" is not with him, it is really with nursing his hurt over his break-up. That's great for him, he has company and feels wanted while he recovers. It is a horror show for you because he has nothing to offer you, and can not devote himself to you or your life, feelins etc.
aingr wrote :
I met a guy on eh on a free weekend back in March. We talked a few times before meeting and when we met we had easy conversation. He initially said that he just wanted a friend because he had recently divorced, about 2 years ago. I was cool with being friends, then after we had gotten together a few times he made the relationship intimate. So for me that said a lot. We didn't have sex right away, but he did tell me early on that he couldnt make a commitment because he isn't over his ex wife and doesn't want to be hurt and rejected again. I assumed that I was the only one he was seeing, wrong! He says he is in his dating mode and is with more women than me. I was really hurt by this mainly I guess is because I developed feelings for him even though I was trying very hard not too because of what he has told me about his past. I know that a lot of people on eh date more than one person at a time, but I assumed otherwise because I don't date more than one person at a time. But I am new to eh, so I don't know what I will do if I do meet more than one man at a time. So far he is the only one I have met because I have kids and that scares off other men before they even meet me. I just hope that I am doing the right thing by not communicating with him because we want different things. I really liked him and thought we had really hit it off. He has agreed with me on this, but then he is not ready to commit. He just keeps saying how confused he is and how he cannot understand why his marriage ended, and I am sure that he still has feelings for his ex wife. They have a daughter together so he stills has alot of contact with her. People just say that if we were meant to be together we will. But dont know if I should waste anymore of my time trying.
Last edited by Wiseman2; July 5,2009 at 2:49am.
 
  Reply With Quote
jleen is offline jleen Post #8  July 5,2009, 10:44am
jleen's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2009

toronto

Posts: 12

See profile

Dear Aingr,
I agree with the opinions stated thus far. I would add that perhaps in the future you should not jump into an exclusive dating relationship with someone until HE initiates it. I think that too many women are too forgiving and understanding... because deep down inside we are insecure and afraid that THIS guy is the one and only.... There are plenty of fish in the sea. Only be with someone who is honest and respectful towards you!
I think he is treating you badly (no matter what he might say) and you should definately move on!
Good Luck!
Jleen
 
  Reply With Quote
olneyjeeps is offline olneyjeeps Post #9  July 5,2009, 1:02pm
olneyjeeps's Avatar

...

Veteran

Joined: May 2009

no

Posts: 1,794

See profile

Aingr-
I am sorry for the situation you are in, but it is a situation we are all in.. its called "a constant learning experience... life." As far as "rebound relationships," it doesn't matter if the person (male or female) has been divorced 2days or 2years (for that matter it does not even have to be divorce, could be from break up of any serious relationship), to some point every relationship thereafter will be a rebound relationship. Every person is different with how they deal with it or mask it.

Jleen:
it is my opinion, but I am sorry that you have that "wait for him to innate" frame of mind...sorry because I am afraid if you wait, you will probably end up waiting all your life (because there are so many other wonderful girls out there that will take initiative and grab "Mr. Right" while you are waiting. IMHO a real "nice guy" is not in the least bit intimidated (not to be so presumptuous as taking label "nice guy", I try) and will actually appreciate the other party being willing to take the "risk." It is sometimes hard to fathom that girls just don't get how constant (actual or implied or feared... this is every thing from asking for a date, buying a drink, attempting a kiss or even trying to hold hands) rejection can cause them to regress into fear of action / lack of desire to put the heart on the chopping block.

Yes, for what it is worth, I had my "rebound" relationship :we were actually both rebounding, and accepted it. Although we both admitted that probability for long term was next to nill, we worked well together helping each other through our problems. After a year it has ended (semi happily), with both of us stronger and ready to move on with our lives. We still keep in pseudo distance contact.

A couple months after is when I was encouraged (by Dr. Joe W. who met his wife Dr. W. M.D. )to go on EH, that was March). A question I particularly like (don't know if is one provided or was asked of me, or if I originated... TBI memory thing) is/are (I "cheat" and fudge in 2 at a time) Why do you think you are single? What do you expect of EH. My answers (abridged): I got married far to quick for wrong reasons :still in recovery of TBI (google it, watch some videos, you'll get idea, but don't even think of bringing up "sorry"... it got rid of my inhibition (can you tell?) and released me to be who I am) "fog", but desperately wanted kids, proposed to 3rd girl I had been with, proposed after 2 months, stuck with it 12 years. Still have issues and make sure they are known.

What do I expect: First I never expected so many intelligent, fun, adventurous single women ever existed (go figure MENSA but limited imagination there). Wanted to open my social sphere to broaden my experiences. Do I expect to meet lifelong match: NO. Would I like to: UNDOUBTEDLY. Over 100 matches later (some never responded, many had long extended writing with, some long phone conversations, 1st "first date" was mutually decidedly "non date" as she lived over 100 miles away, we both had children so could never move, but conversation was so invigorating, compelled to meet... had dinner, talked, waked 3 miles, ended with hug, would do it again in heartbeat, no expectations. Second "1st date" was at pub/bar, but as was not my "scene" was totally inappropriate and went no further. 3rd "first date" was very interesting: she was very very cautious, but circumstances (she manages equestrian ranch) allowed meeting as "friend" (I have several friends that are girls,NOT girlfriend) with my girls who fed and groomed horses and took it as another meeting with one of dad's friends (which include males who have horses, jeeps, etc). Led to 2nd meeting / first "date": drove my Jeep to local lake, went on 4wheel drive fun drive (she actually drove Jeep, was her first time, consistent screaming laughter ), home made burritos (cooked on engine), fresh fruit salad by lake. Talked (when she wasn't screaming w/laughter) all 5 hours, never turned radio on. Needless to say would consider "successful date". 2 dinners later (ok not to brag, mesquite BBQ / marinated Alaskan Salmon filet, just brought back from trip to AK w/sauteed fresh veggies '99 Rosemont Shiraz, then Mesquite BBQ teriaki marinated pork tenderloin, more fresh veggies (I have garden too) )"first kiss" (wa hoo). Closed all other EH matches. Was introduced last night at party with her friends/co workers as "boyfriend" (WA HOO!). Progressing very slooooooowly with no expectations, loving every second of anticipation getting to know each other better and better. When asked if I was still nervous, I replied that I hope I will always be nervous. IMHO anyone who "knows exactly what they want" knows nothing about change.

Not to be judgmental of others who "serial date" or "multi date" I still cannot say whether she is "the one " (or that I am "the one" for her), but just doesn't seem right seeing anyone else. Paramount to our relationship is the incredible freedom of communication.. WOW! Feeling so free to express desires, feels and a plethora of feelings is so fulfilling! Serious dichotomy we have discussed is this "place." For right now is ok as writing helps me define/discover "who" I am, but may go away because my innermost feelings are for her and her alone to enjoy.

Steve's EH advice: lot of people out there! Don't settle! Don't be afraid to walk away from red flags, but at same time express your concerns, give chance to answer. Don't ever think you can change "who" they are by making them happy! People make mistakes, but jerks are jerks and always will be. They cheat once, they will cheat again. Flip side of that: be positive, happy and above all, be yourself. This includes don't lie about ANYTHING: age, weight, fears, desires, ANYTHING! Pictures should be who you are/what you love (not stuff just to impress / studio shots).

Wow! That was a mouthful! Thanks to all who actually read the whole thing, and I wish everyone as wonderful (hopefully successful) results as I have had. Special thanks to member "Outlaw1" for some incredibly thoughtful inspiration!

Wishing everyone incredible success (not just luck.. make it happen)!

Final thought: two most important rules-
1. Don't worry about the litle things
2. Everything is little

Steve
Last edited by olneyjeeps; July 5,2009 at 1:11pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
jleen is offline jleen Post #10  July 5,2009, 1:21pm
jleen's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jul 2009

toronto

Posts: 12

See profile

Steve, Thank you for your comments and personal accounts. But.. let us imagine this guy - he sees a woman he likes (online or otherwise) - he is nervous and of course afraid of rejection - but he makes a move and introduces himself anyways. To his delight - the woman responds in a positive way. Then.. after a first date - he might try to kiss her goodnight (experiences the same fears etc) and again - she responds positively... etc and it goes on. Eventually this guys risk taking muscles are getting a great workout - he is getting more and more confident. And one day...if he really 'likes' her (and he knows that she really 'likes' him)...his strength will be put to the ultimate test when he decides that he wants to ask her to marry him!... So... this is kind of why I think it is important for the guy to make the first move. Jleen
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 3


« confusion?in a relationship what does it mean? | Relationships | is there a "relationship personality"? »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Question for Guys rbel 40 Something 32 February 13,2010 8:18am
is he really ready to get married yet???? overyou Relationships 9 July 4,2009 6:32pm
Is there a point when you know that you are really ready?? allowishiss Relationships 13 June 21,2009 9:21am
Is LizziePooh ready to date? LizziePooh Dating 73 June 4,2009 5:55pm
Ready for marriage???? Symba427 Relationships 8 May 17,2009 6:56pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“It's important to understand the way a site works. Rigidly assuming / insisting that eH works likes all the others you're used to isn't utilizing the site functions to your best advantage. No.... ... ” –  Wiseman2

Join the “First contact on eHarmony, smile, questions, email?” discussion

“ If you have yet to meet, you don't know him or whether you two will form a connection. Connections formed over e-mail tend to be fantasies. You will see this echoed over and over by experienced ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “How do i recoonect with him again?” discussion

“ Then it's a bit premature to worry about being friend-zoned. The first step is to go out on dates! What specific steps did you try? How many women did you ask out in person? Did you buy a ... ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “For women to answer: How to avoid the friend zone” discussion

“ This is an old thread. She asked this in 2010. By now they are likely very exclusive or very over. ” –  shapeShifter79

Join the “is there a reason to ask if we're exclusive?” discussion

“ I'm sure he wouldn't get that. And I can't be sure that was the actual message. But it sems kind of likely to me.” –  boomer_gal

Join the “Why am I not successful?” discussion

“Hi eccemuliere and welcome to eHA.On an internet forum like eHA, you're going to get a wide variety of responses; some you'll like and some you won't. It's best to focus on the ones that speak to ... ” –  Sassafras54

Join the “Being blown off, or something else?” discussion

“ Although I have ignored my gut at times, in hindsight it's always been right, in terms of recognizing bad choices. QUOTE] But once we realize our past mistakes, we can use our reason to clue us ... ” –  eccemuliere

Join the “Is Your Gut Leading - or Misleading You?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 5:12am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0