10 Months and No L-Word!

It sounds like you have a couple of concerns that are really standing out in my mind here:

1. He hasn't said he loves you after 10 months.
2. He seems to be having some difficulties with a potential long distance relationship.

The I love you part--you can't force this; it has to come when it is natural and comfortable to say this. The more you push him to say it, the less likely he is to say it. It could be problems from the past that are causing him to not say it, or it could be that he is not ready. Regardless of the reason, wouldn't you rather hear it when he really means it as opposed to just hearing it to hear it? I would rather wait to hear it myself and know that words aren't just being said because it is thought to be the right thing to say or because it's something he thinks I want to hear.

The long distance relationship--again, it could be something from his past coming back to haunt him, or it could be the fact that he is leary of the whole concept. Some people do well in these situations, while others do not handle the distance well. Even if the relationship is a compatible one, it doesn't mean that the distance won't take its toll. That doesn't mean it can't work, just that it sometimes it presents more challenges than a typical relationship without the distance involved.

It sounds to me like the two of you need to sit down and have a conversation, sans the emotion, regarding the impending long distance relationship, because it doesn't seem the two of you are viewing this in the same light at all. No threatening to break up, no crying, just talking about where you are both coming from on the issue, and see if there is a way to work it out together. If you are allowing it to drive a wedge between you now, that will only get worse later if your communication remains as it is. Having reservations is common, and he may just need an understanding ear from you. Saying "buck up, buttercup" is only going to push him away at this point, and judging from your post, that is not what you truly want to do.

I wish you the best of luck in this situation.

Hi everyone. This is my first post here, so thank you in advance for reading.

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over ten months. I love him and have basically strongly implied as much, although I haven't made any formal announcement of "I love you." Over the past several months we've had a couple of discussions that resulted in him telling me that he takes the L-word very seriously and that he feels strongly about me, but isn't ready to say it. I am mostly okay with this because he's otherwise a great boyfriend. He sends me sweet encouraging texts before my singing performances, emails/calls from work just to say hi, spends every moment he can outside his busy work schedule doing things with me. I've met his parents, and he's met my family and extended family. We have even spent holidays together, at his suggestion. In short...no visible commitment issues, except for the lack of verbalization of love.

I told him last month that I wish our relationship involved saying the L-word to each other, since it is starting to feel natural to me to begin saying it. But, I told him I also understood that he takes it VERY seriously, and, as I'm not quite ready to be proposed to...I'm okay if we hold off for now.

Overall, we've had a few fights, but it has been a relatively blissful, fun 10 months! But lately some problems are starting to creep up. He is an attorney who works about 70 hours a week, on average. Soon, I will be moving 2.5 hours away to go to law school. I think this is a great thing since we basically only have time to see each other on weekends as it is, anyway. It feels weird to be one mile away from each other yet it may as well be 500 miles when he's busy working. Also, I'm excited to go to graduate school and pursue my dreams. We discussed where I was headed on our third date...it has always been the plan to try to stick together.

But lately, he has been a nervous wreck about it. He says things like: "Three years is a long time," and "It's going to be very hard." He's been through it, so he should know...law school is challenging. But, I believe in us, and feel we are well-equipped to handle it. But, the more he worries, the more I worry he is just trying to find a way out. It makes things like the lack of L-word bother me. It makes his work schedule -- which I normally deal with very well -- a difficult strain. It makes me think that he has doubts about committing to stay with me. He has even said: "If we date for three years while you're in law school, and it doesn't work out, that is three years we could have each spent finding someone else." I feel like he doesn't want to wait for me! Yet he has said he doesn't want to break up...he is just "worried."

I think he might be stressing over what happened with his ex. He was engaged to a woman he dated for several years -- through law school -- and it apparently made his experience a miserable one. He has said he doesn't want to do that to me. I think the ex-fiance contributes to a lot of things...his reluctance to say he loves me, to have confidence about our new long-distance arrangement, etc. How can I make him see that we are compatible and a good couple? Should I just wait it out until I leave for school in 6 weeks, and hope for the best? My tactics have wavered between talking to him about it tearfully and laying low and just letting him call me. Tonight I told him I have considered breaking up with him because I'm so frustrated with all his "worrying." Don't you think that staying together through difficulties is just a matter of making a decision and then DOING it?? He says he wants to be with me, but this is driving a wedge between us, and I haven't even left yet! How can I tell him to buck up, buttercup??

Thank you again!!

Thank you for the advice. I called him today and told him I was sorry for threatening to break up, and that I didn't really mean it. He says things are easing up with his work schedule and he's looking forward to spending some time together this weekend. I know we'll talk more about it soon, hopefully without as much emotion. Thanks again!

If you're considering breaking up over this, your foundation isn't strong enough to begin with.

He still has baggage from his ex and that more than anything can doom this relationship if he lets it.

I don't think a long term monogamous relationship can survive on seeing each other two days per week.

Are you more interested in the relationship or your law career?

The fact that he won't say he loves you is only the tip of the iceberg where there are more important issues at hand.

You obviously don't communicate well as a couple in terms of your emotions if you've waited until now to resolve the issues.

I think you need to worry about your relationship surviving time apart more so than his lack of the "L-Word".

i haven't used the "L-word", on my gf yet either. come to think of it, i haven't used the b-word, the c-word or the m-word either