mylifesabeach is offline mylifesabeach Post #1  June 28,2009, 5:10pm
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Hi I am new here so bear with me! I went to lots of counseling afgter my divorce 4 years ago and ended up really LIKING myself. I used to not like myslef so much and I think it caused me to pick poorly.

Now I also find myself not caring so much how tall a man is anymore and actually prefer one closer to my height than very tall like the ones I dated before.

In reality what has happened is I seem to no longer be looking for what I am lacking in another person. Thats a good thing. I am also kinda new to being broken up with. I have always had big problems with commitment and so have had way too many relationships including two marriages. I was the one to end all but one of these.

Now dating I am able to commit. I am also getting good at avoiding peopl I could be involved with that I would never get close too- learned about that too!

Anyway, back to height, I have had a couple people that seemed to be attracted to me initially break up with me. Both of them were my height on the dot. One of them rolled his eyes after he asked me if I wore heels a lot and I said yes. The other did ask if I wore heels alot but seemed to be more in passing. These guys really seemed attracted to me and we get along and then poof its over!

What is up? Its ok that someone is just not that into me but to go from everythings great to poof! Are they uncomfortable with my height? Is it because you all dont like women my age 46? That is starting to bother me too but that is for another post.

Perhaps its the short guys that have the problems dating a taller women not the women! I know that on eharmony they wont even match you with a shorter guy.

Help!
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #2  June 28,2009, 5:21pm
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Do you know that eHarmony won’t match you? I don’t remember that (though it has been awhile since I used the matching.)

I think people will sometimes assume that something which has been a problem in the past will be again, and they choose not to go forward with what they see as a risk of it repeating. In this case, a man may have been rejected for his height.

I don’t think I would worry about this, though. Enough men will be fine with it. If it comes up again, perhaps just say “don’t worry about it” … followed by a quick kiss!
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #3  June 28,2009, 5:52pm
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A man's height is just another one of those evils, closely related to money and appearance, that can be an issue to both.

Some women care about the height of their partner, and some men feel insecure when they are shorter than their woman, simply because in their minds they believe it to be an issue.

Personally, issues like height and weight per se don't matter to me at all. But they do matter. Just be sensitive to the issue and understand that a short man is likely to feel more insecure than a tall one, just as heavily overweight woman is likely to be more insecure, simply because the society says so. Try not to wear heels, at least at the beginning, until he feels more secure in your relationship.

Some men will even let this insecurity get the better of them and become aggressive, actively pursuing taller women, only to break their hearts and "pay them back". Luckily, this is only a small proportion of male population and I try to avoid them (I'm short but I wear heels most of the time).

But allow me to say that overall, from reading your post, I think you also need to deal with a few of your own insecurities, caused by break ups, and not concentrate on the height issue too much. After all your life experience, I'm sure you know that height is incidental, and it's what's on the inside that actually counts.

Good luck!
 
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brneyedangel is offline brneyedangel Post #4  June 28,2009, 7:28pm
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Height is not something that's ever been an issue for me; then again, I'm pretty short, so half the free world is taller than me! I will say this though: I know plenty of men who have dated and are even happily married to women who are taller than they are. They obviously did not have an issue with their height or with the height of the women with whom they chose to spend their time.

There are those, though, who do have an issue with this. I like D_Lion's suggestion on how to deal with this--seems like unless he's particularly stubborn, it might just wipe all concern right out of his mind.

I wouldn't worry about this too much--there are many more important things on which to focus your energy. I wouldn't allow your age to be a concern, either. It takes a little time and patience to get past the first or second date with matches sometimes. Just keep moving forward.

Best of luck to you!
 
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j0hn8andy is offline j0hn8andy Post #5  June 28,2009, 8:42pm
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Height matters to me. I want to look up at him.

Weight matters to me. I want him to have more muscles than me!

I like them big & strong... Rich isnt bad, either!
 
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trailviews is offline trailviews Post #6  June 29,2009, 2:50am
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mylifesabeach wrote :
Anyway, back to height, I have had a couple people that seemed to be attracted to me initially break up with me. Both of them were my height on the dot. One of them rolled his eyes after he asked me if I wore heels a lot and I said yes. The other did ask if I wore heels alot but seemed to be more in passing. These guys really seemed attracted to me and we get along and then poof its over!

What is up? Its ok that someone is just not that into me but to go from everythings great to poof! Are they uncomfortable with my height? Is it because you all dont like women my age 46? That is starting to bother me too but that is for another post.

Perhaps its the short guys that have the problems dating a taller women not the women! I know that on eharmony they wont even match you with a shorter guy.
First off, I think it's a mistake to equate heels to height. I equate clothing (including shoes) with comfort and style, and I'd be much more interested in a woman who can hold a conversation about her hiking boots and running shoes than one who "wore heels a lot". If a woman looks like she's wearing uncomfortable shoes, it's a turn off. That doesn't mean don't wear heels, but if your steps look like a tough balancing act, don't expect a guy to be impressed.

Tall women are great! If it really is height, sounds like you may just not be meeting the right guys.

Plenty of people have matches poof. While I think it's good to self-evaluate and think about why and/or what you could do differently, you're far from alone.

Given that I've been matched with taller women, I'm nearly positive that eHarmony will match you with a shorter guy.
 
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MicMan is offline MicMan Post #7  June 29,2009, 4:56am
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mylifesabeach wrote :
I know that on eharmony they wont even match you with a shorter guy.
I wouldn't be too sure about that. I'm regularly matched with women taller than I am.
 
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1sassy is offline 1sassy Post #8  June 29,2009, 5:04am
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well I love my man to be taller than me, I would hate to be kissing his nose rather than his lips (that has happened in the past) I also think height shouldnt really matter if you hit it off...
best of luck
 
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tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #9  June 29,2009, 5:31am
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I have gotten matched with guys shorter than me. Even when a guy is a few inches taller than me I often get a comment or question about my height. I am 5'9" and often guys who "say" they are 5'11" are basically my height. It has not seemed to be a real issue though. Some men like taller women, some men like shorter women. This is not something you can change so accept it and find men that like taller women.
 
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Jacquesne is offline Jacquesne Post #10  June 29,2009, 5:38am
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Actually eHarmony does not filter based on height; that information is provided purely for individuals and from my understanding to give a sense of scale to pictures. If you meet someone in "real life" their height and appearance are not unknowns. Why should they be unknown here?

That being said it is not, to my knowledge (and I'm 99% sure on this) used as a matching criteria other than slightly. If you go to the My Settings -> Nice to Haves section of your eHarmony profile you'll see that it gives you a slider of how important height is to you but note the little message about how it's slightly different from your other settings. If I understand this correctly it will try to match based on this criteria if available but will not cut people out if they don't meet it unlike, say, smoking/drinking preferences. Other users have complained that they would rather have this be a stronger criteria when they put it all the way up (I have it set at 2).

I wouldn't assume that your break-ups were purely because of height. It could have been a factor but rarely is it the only one. If height were a "deal breaker" for someone they usually wouldn't date you in the first place. It's more likely to be something else and the height dynamic exacerbated the issue.

Let's try to avoid making this into another 50 page "height vs. weight thread" (of which there are many) but keep in mind that height is a factor in attraction. Generally speaking women are attracted to men taller than them and vice versa. But like all attraction this is a big "generally."

I say this because preferences aren't nearly as set in stone as people seem to think they are. Attraction doesn't work that way. Let's say I have a preference for petite, blonde women. Does that mean I'll never date or consider someone who is, say, Hispanic or Asian? No. I'm talking from personal experience.

Sure, my preferences may turn my head a little faster. But it's not like my thought process is "dang, she's cute/hot/whatever, too bad she isn't a blonde!" It's more along the lines of "dang, she's cute/hot/etc., ... what's your name?"

That being said I have been turned down by girls I was interested in the past because they were around my height (say 5'6" and I'm 5'8") and they were taller than me in heels. I even had one say, and I quote, "Sorry, you're a great guy and all, but I can't date a guy who's shorter than me in heels." So there are guys out there who are likely cautious about dating women taller than them in any fashion. It's more of a "she's going to dump me because I'm shorter so why bother" line of thinking than a "I don't like shorter women" thought process.

mylifesabeach, your new attitude is undoubtedly improving your dating relationships, but beware figuring guys out. What do I mean by that? It's easy when gaining new confidence in yourself to want to use your old self as "experience." In other words there is a possibility that somehow you are expressing your old faults to dates.

Take this statement. "You know I used to never date guys unless they were way taller than me, but now it doesn't bother me!" You may see this as being positive. He'll take it personally. How? This is what he hears "You aren't my preference but I'll give you a shot anyway."

Think about it. When you're in a relationship do you ever find yourself analyzing everything a guy says for its deeper meaning? Trying to figure out what he really meant by that? Probably. And guys have the "simple" stereotype. Guess what ladies? You have the opposite stereotype. Guys expect you to be complicated and have hidden meanings in nearly everything you say. Because of this we tend to misinterpret a lot.

Don't mistake interest and even love for understanding. Communication is something that needs to be worked at even in committed relationships. I've found that if you talk to both people in an argument you'll usually find it's caused by them simply misunderstanding what the other person's position is. Not always, but often enough that it should be eliminated as a possibility before other suspects are considered.

I'm not saying you're doing any of this. It could be because of height; I don't know. There isn't enough information. It's simply a possibility, but one worth considering.

Good luck!

Jacquesne
 
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