Married, Divorced and Separated Rebound?


Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2
 
Topic Tools Search this Thread
betrumka is offline betrumka Post #1  June 26,2009, 8:29pm
betrumka's Avatar

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 1

See profile

My wife and I officially separated on June 23rd, 2009.

For the past 3 years of our 8 year marriage I have been dealing with an addiction to pornography. This was a huge blow to my wife when she first found out. However, she said she would see it through if I sought help.



I did get help, went to 12 step meetings BUT fell again and my wife found out and that was in January of 2009.


I'm happy to say that since that relapse I have not engaged in my old behavior HOWEVER, I didn't work on the damage I had done to the marriage, I only worked on getting a grip on my addiction.

About 2 months ago she met a man through craigslist personals. He had not yet filed for divorced but was separated while at the time my wife and I were still technically living together and I THOUGHT trying to work out our marital problems since i finally had something of a grip on my addiction.


Well, quite by accident, leaving her email open, I found out that she had been chatting intimately with this man for about a month AND the night before I found the emails she and he had met up for lunch and went to a local park and were kissing each other there.

Anyway, this relationship has literally taken off very quickly and of course very painful for me because I would love to reconcile in some way.

In the meantime he filed for divorce, which had already been planned before my wife and he had met. His divorce was final 11 days later. That was Wednesday, June 17th (?)

This was this man's second divorce. My wife has only been married to me. We have two precious boys together but she tells me that I just haven't been the spouse that she needed and this guy makes her feel so good and treats her so nice, blah blah blah


I know that he tells her all the things she wants to hear and she probably does the same for him. They both were coming from similar places in their relationships but just at different legal statuses I guess.


ANYWAY, SHE SAYS : SHE LOVES HIM! SHE IS SLEEPING WITH HIM! THEY MAY GET MARRIED!!

All this development within 2 months and from an ad in craigslist!
Here are my questions.

Is this kind of relationship called a "rebound" relationship?

If I truly, sincerely desire and love my wife (and I do! Actually since getting a grip on my addiction and having gotten through some medical issues with my heart recently the intensity is greater than ever) what can I do? What should I do?


It seems that these two are in full swing with each other however my wife seems to be in no big hurry to divorce me at the moment.

What is the general life span of these pre-divorce, immediately after divorce, pre-separation relationships?

No doubt some of them end up in marriage but I know that most of them must come on quickly because of the two partners missed needs, and then as reality sets in, they must usually fizzle, Or? Do I have it all wrong?


Please don't respond if you want to gang up on me about what an awful husband I have been and how she should have left me 3 years ago. I agree with you actually but I'm trying to salvage a marriage here that involves children.


Any advice, direction, philosophical insight, relationship tricks, dirty tricks, etc would be appreciated. (just kidding about the tricks!)
 
  Reply With Quote
Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  June 27,2009, 6:56pm

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

East Coast

Posts: 1,079

See profile

If it walks like a duck, if it quacks like a duck, if it looks like a duck it must be a duck, so what is so hard to comprehend? It's over and move on to a new life. You do have an advantage that you can get away rather cheaply. I would say go see a divorce lawyer and get the ball rolling, while she is in love with her new guy she will let you off the hook to get on with her new life. If everything happens and it turns bad for her, she will take it out on you, so be smart and be wise move on. Who knows maybe your next lady will enjoy porno with you? Just my opinion.

Harvey7.
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #3  June 27,2009, 7:11pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,683

See profile

I have a hard time with this one (though I have an easy time to disagree with Harvey7.)

I think your premise is correct: that her fling will not have staying power. Therefore, there is some chance the whole thing can blow over.

I don’t know that I would want it to (infidelity and pron are not equivalent wrongs), but that is your choice.

Assuming I wanted to keep the marriage, I’d probably just direct a little nonplussed bemusement at her.
 
  Reply With Quote
IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #4  June 27,2009, 7:18pm
IcecreamMoon's Avatar

Nothing to see here at all...

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 2,847

See profile

Leaving out the vivid imagery or ducks and pornography, I'm actually with Harvey on this one.

Your separation happened 3 years ago, not a few days ago. I think she stayed to support you through your battle with addiction, but, in her head and in her heart, she has moved on with her life, and has fallen in love with another man. I would do the same, if I were you, but only when you feel ready and over her.

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #5  June 27,2009, 7:29pm
D_Lion's Avatar

- Ladies want to wring my neck - you have been warned!

Sage

Joined: Aug 2008

Posts: 31,683

See profile

IcecreamMoon wrote :
Your separation happened 3 years ago, not a few days ago.

Care to check the data and reconsider?
 
  Reply With Quote
IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #6  June 27,2009, 7:47pm
IcecreamMoon's Avatar

Nothing to see here at all...

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 2,847

See profile

D_Lion wrote :
Care to check the data and reconsider?
You made me doubt myself, froggie, but only for a minute this time.
I double checked the data upon your insistence, and I still stand by what I said. If there is one thing I know about certain addictions - they can change people rather drastically. A true addiction occupies a lot of the addict's mind and becomes motivation for thoughts and actions. So it wasn't him in that marriage for the past 3 years, he was replaced by an addict.
 
  Reply With Quote
Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #7  June 28,2009, 2:31am
Wiseman2's Avatar

Power Poster

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 6,321

See profile

Agree with IcecreamMoon here. Your marriage has been over except for the logistics and paperwork.Get it over with and forget about analyzing her new lover.
IcecreamMoon wrote :
Leaving out the vivid imagery or ducks and pornography, I'm actually with Harvey on this one.

Your separation happened 3 years ago, not a few days ago. I think she stayed to support you through your battle with addiction, but, in her head and in her heart, she has moved on with her life, and has fallen in love with another man. I would do the same, if I were you, but only when you feel ready and over her.

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #8  June 28,2009, 5:16am
IcecreamMoon's Avatar

Nothing to see here at all...

Virtuoso

Joined: May 2009

Posts: 2,847

See profile

Wiseman2 wrote :
Agree with IcecreamMoon here. Your marriage has been over except for the logistics and paperwork.Get it over with and forget about analyzing her new lover.
I've always had faith that this miracle would occur one day
 
  Reply With Quote
AsianW is offline AsianW Post #9  September 5,2009, 8:40am
AsianW's Avatar

is happy.

Newbie

Joined: Sep 2009

San Francisco

Posts: 37

See profile

What state are you from? In my experience, there needs to be a waiting period before the divorce filing can take legal effect (i.e., like 6 months). 11 days seems unusual. Maybe he lied to your wife and is still married.
 
  Reply With Quote
boccabum is offline boccabum Post #10  September 5,2009, 9:02am
boccabum's Avatar

Enthusiast

Joined: Nov 2008

Posts: 974

See profile

Move on and start the process of making your life happy again. The longer you concentrate on your soon-to-be ex wife, the longer you're extending how miserable you're going to feel.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply
  • Page 1 of 2
  • 1
  • 2


« The Two Essential Steps to Trading Places | Relationships | advice on how a relationship can survive bad economy »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
Is it ok to date if you are separated? sadandconfused Relationships 14 June 5,2009 6:29pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:00pm.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0