justafellow is offline justafellow Post #1  June 26,2009, 2:30am
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I'm 42 and I don't have a lot of experience with long term romances. I was very shy when I was younger; it was only when I was in my early 30s that I had my true romantic relationship - which lasted 9 months. I ended it, because, while I was very fond of the woman, and had the greatest respect for her, I didn't feel as in love with her as I thought I should, and felt trapped. Many people thought I made a mistake, since they admired her; I haven't, but it's something I think about from time to time.

Fast forward through the last nine years. Most of the time I've held my generally happy-but-not-fully-satisfied single status. I've had a few relationships that went on for about 4 months, but ended either because 1) we recognized it was really more of a friendship, than a romance; or 2) we had romantic chemistry, but there would be some big incompatibility or issue that kept it from working - most commonly from a divorce they had recently gone through. I also had a couple very affectionate friendships with older women that went on for several years (that still continue); there was chemistry and friendship, but also clearly defined boundaries (i.e., it never got physical), as the age difference make romance impractical. However, these friendships had a bigger impact on me than my "official" dating relationships.

So I find myself in the present time in a relationship that seems the most likely to end in marriage since that one 9 years ago - honestly, it's going better than that one. It's gone on strong for 4 months, we spend nearly every day and night together, we have mutual interests, we really enjoy showing each other physical affection, I respect her intellectually - we are remarkably compatible. It amuses me to reflect that even our "faults" are compatible; for instance, we're both kinda' messy and like to stay up at ungodly hours, things that would doom other relationships, but don't cause much trouble for ours. She has been very generous to me in so many ways; this could have been a difficult period of my life for outside reasons, but her friendship has kept life positive.

Here's the rub - there is some romantic chemistry in the relationship, but I'm left feeling like I want more. I'm sure it can be worked on, but I don't think I'll end up with "my head in the clouds". I also feel like I'm being immature or selfish for wanting this; that I should recognize that I have a good thing going, that my track record isn't exactly good. What are people's views on this topic in general? Should a deeply compatible relationship with genuine, but not overpowering, affection win the day, or should people always seek the "love of their life"? Is minimizing the importance of romantic chemistry now going to result in regrets later, or is temporary nature of romantic fireworks something that should trump deep friendship? I've already decided to work on this relationship for a few more months at bare minimum, but I want to know what people think about the topic in general. Thanks.
 
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BikerBeagle is offline BikerBeagle Post #2  June 26,2009, 3:11am
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thinks everyone should just ask themselves, WWBBD?

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I'm going to read between the lines here and guess that "romantic chemistry" means "physical attraction"?

I suppose it doesn't matter, the answer to your question - imho at age 42 with 2 marriages and 1 ltr behind me - is that you should always seek out the 'love of your life'. If you feel like you are 'settling' in any big way - and romantic chemistry is a biggie - it's not going to work long-term.

There is no better thing in the world than finding that one person who, for you, lights up an entire room when he/she walks into it.
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #3  June 26,2009, 5:58am

is not out of his mind - just out of bullets

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biker, that gal in the other thread, "caught him" or whatever, said it was wrong to beat off to porn so, i guess it must be the physical thing too
 
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Wiseman2 is online now Wiseman2 Post #4  June 26,2009, 8:26am
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Agree with finding the love of your life. If this is a nice compatible woman, but not what "works" for you , you will end up in the "roommates" zone before long, having affairs or finding your affection elsewhere.
BikerBeagle wrote :
I'm going to read between the lines here and guess that "romantic chemistry" means "physical attraction"?

I suppose it doesn't matter, the answer to your question - imho at age 42 with 2 marriages and 1 ltr behind me - is that you should always seek out the 'love of your life'. If you feel like you are 'settling' in any big way - and romantic chemistry is a biggie - it's not going to work long-term.

There is no better thing in the world than finding that one person who, for you, lights up an entire room when he/she walks into it.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #5  June 26,2009, 8:33am

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To begin with you are confusing lust with that deeper love and you always hold back and find an excuse for weaseling out of a good relationship in the past.

You use up a lot of space without saying much or anything of substance. Instead of repeating the same mistakes over and over again and being stand offish with the older ladies that you know, maybe you should recognize the pattern of rejecting them before they see through you and reject you! Time for you to find a therapist for yourself and to invite your lady to join you in couples counseling so you both can live happily ever after. Ask yourself if you want to have kids? You don't want to be to old that you won't be able to play ball with them?

Harvey7.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  June 26,2009, 9:37am
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I'm going to go a bit against the grain here.

You have no history of long-term relationships. Nine months is not long term.

You are 42 years old.

You are never satisified with any relationship.

This doesn't make you a bad person, but it does make you a person who seems ambivalent about relationships in general. If it was me, I'd start there. Do some exploration about what it is you really want, and perhaps some work with a therapist to develop a healthy picture of what a relationship is or should be. Until you figure out what you really want and go from there with the ability to present your authentic needs to a potential partner, you are stumbling in the dark.

Best of luck.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #7  June 26,2009, 9:52am
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The head in the clouds thing is the heights of lust. Unfortunately that is the one thing that does wear off in the relationship and then you are left with reality which is a whole new animal.

What you need to ask yourself is whether you are just trying to find excuses for getting out of the relationship because of cold feet or are you really truly unhappy with how things are and don't see a future as a result. Really think about that one.
 
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justafellow is offline justafellow Post #8  June 26,2009, 2:02pm
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Thanks for everyone's opinions. I guess I got what I should expect from an internet forum; some pieces of good advice mixed in with some glib snap judgements. Before any one gets on their soap box again, let me repeat: I'm going to try to get this relationship to work; I'm not looking for excuses. But I want to explore this topic a bit more.

What if the thing that attracts you a person is their laugh, their sense of style and whimsy, their little way of doing things? The sort of attraction that makes it a small thrill to get an e-mail or phone call? That's physical, in a sense, but I wouldn't call it lust. I tend to think lust is when you're turned on by, say, breast size, that anyone who meets your criteria draws your attention,and it's all about personal satisfaction.

But the thrill of "that little something" - it's unique and particular about a given woman, that makes you think about her in your quiet times and smile. Romance, in my mind, is about that. This is what puts your "head in the clouds". It's not lust. However, even that can fade with time, and it can be misguided.

Friendship is the nuts and bolts of a relationship; you gotta' have that.

I'll admit to being distracted by lust, and I know it's not a basis for a relationship. I think I'd be distracted by lust regardless of who I went out with; the trick is figuring out how to keep it in check, and/or channel it to my current relationship. I'm not sure I know how to do that always.

But then there's what I call romance; I've had that feeling before, and I have some of it now, but it's been stronger in the past. One of my older lady friends of the past - she was not merely older, but married - there was this feeling of romance. The friendship went on for six years - and we did not cross boundaries, the relationship amounted to conversations - we parted ways because it had a way from distracting me from my real prospects, and things weren't appropriate even the way they were. I want to feel as strongly about my current "real" relationship as I did that one.

In my current relationship, it developed physically very quickly. We were just friends for about a month, then we went from our first kiss to having sex five times a week in about a week. (She's taken the lead on that one; I would have never moved that fast on my own, but I didn't hold back, as I have for some in the past. I'm not the guy who got "caught", thank you.) In the beginning, I wasn't sure if this was right; I made love to her because she was my friend, and I wanted to please her, not because the attraction was super strong. (Because I have a conservative background, I've only had intercourse a handful of times before this relationship; this is a big shift.) The love making has gotten better over time; I consistently look forward to it (although I think she would have it more frequently if it were her choice). But the relationship is still primarily about the friendship, in my point of view; and I still feel this restlessness.

That's the ironic thing about this all: I do have a lust issue, but this frequent love making is not about lust, it is about a desire to please her. Is that good, or messed up?

I'll finish up by admitting I could benefit from a good relationship therapist. 9 months is not a true long term romance, but it's what I've had. There were religious expectations placed on me that affected my relationships, but I'm mostly past those.

Enough of my rambling. I don't expect an internet forum to provide a consistent, intelligent solution for me; I just want to see how people think about these issues. Let the glib jumping to conclusions begin.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #9  June 26,2009, 4:57pm
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Has it occurred to you that the relationship that was most satisfying to you was the one you couldn't have? I speak from experience here. When we are attracted to people who are not available, legally, physically, or emotionally, it's about us. It's not about them.

You aren't going to be able to make things work with her, whoever her is, until you make them work with yourself.

And yes, allowing yourself to be drawn into a sexual relationship without it being a conscious choice and then continuing that relationship, not because you desire the other person, but to "please" them is a little bit messed up.

Hope I was glib enough to suit you.
 
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