highwaygirl is offline highwaygirl Post #1  June 25,2009, 3:04pm
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I will try to make this short.
I'm 26 and had a long-term relationship with a man, Josh, of the same age since we were 21 (though we have known each other for seven years). We grew apart over the years of dating and were both unhappy, especially myself, and we ended the relationship seven months ago. After a few months of little contact, he's started calling and e-mailing me again to tell me that he wishes we could have worked things out. In our time apart, I have been casually dating a man, Kevin, who I really care for. I've tried to take things slow, as I know I'm still healing from my previous relationship and really need to focus on what I need to do to make myself happy. Kevin has been very patient and understanding. In response to Josh's attempts to reconnect, I have told him that I care about him but that I feel we are not right for each other. I have been putting off telling him about Kevin, though I had planned to do so soon. I don't know if that's the best move, but I feel it would let him know that at least for the time being, I am trying to move on. But yesterday, Josh informed me that he is to be undergoing tests because of symptoms that could be related to cancer. He's terrified, and I know he feels more comfortable talking to me than any of his friends. I am horrified at the idea of Josh, whom I love dearly but do not want a relationship with, having cancer. I feel I should be by his side and help him through this, even though I no longer desire to be his girlfriend. I can't bring myself to tell him about me dating someone else, especially not at this point when he is feeling so overwhelmed. I want to do what is best for him, and what is best for me. I really, truly love Josh, but not in a romantic way. But he was, and is, above all the person I would still consider my best friend. I feel my intense emotions of guilt over finding happiness with someone else, and over the end of my relationship with Josh, are fogging my ability to think logically. I don't know what to do. Do I stay by Josh's side and help him through what could be a life-threatening ordeal? Or do I count on his friends and family to do this, and continue with my new life? Should I be up front with him during this difficult time, or continue to keep my dating a secret?
Please help. I forgot to mention, I now live more than 1,000 miles away from Josh, had to move for work.
Thank you.
 
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coriglnm is offline coriglnm Post #2  June 25,2009, 9:14pm
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wow, what a rough situation to be in. Now first, you definitely need to evaluate yourself. Are you and Kevin in a relationship? Yes, then make sure your honest and up front with him about it all. Next, Josh, as horrible of a situation he may be in, there is nothing wrong with you explaining your situation to him along with even going to be by his side just so he knows how much you do care, but not in a lover fashion.....

If i were in your shoes, i would definitely be by my friends side if they were in need, but it wouldnt break a relationship im in.

Time to be strong. Follow your heart, and not your head...and it will be fine

I hope everything works out fine for all three of you...
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #3  June 25,2009, 11:22pm
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I think you would not be fair to Josh to keep you feelings a secret. If you have moved on, romantically, and care about Josh only as a friend, say so in whatever kind way you can.
You can remind him that you live very far away now, and have started a social life within your new community. Include the information that you are dating in the new area, and have had some interesting dates that you have enjoyed. I do not think you can be by his side as much as you would have been while still a couple. And you ARE 1000 miles away. Send cards, write letters, make occasional calls as a long time friend but don't mislead him in his potential as a aweetheart.
 
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TaoShaffer is offline TaoShaffer Post #4  June 26,2009, 1:33am
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I agree with the two previous posters.

You should tell him that you have moved on. But let him know that you are still there for him. Hopefully he'll be mature enough to understand your position and allow you to help him as you can as a friend. There's a chance that he may become alienated. That's fine too. He will get the help he needs either way.

Most important thing here is you take care of yourself so you can remain in a position to take care of other people.

Be honest and be there for him.
 
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Uncle Apple is offline Uncle Apple Post #5  June 26,2009, 8:10pm
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If you do anything at this point, it should be as a friend to Josh. But keep in mind that either Josh really is taking tests, which may or may not have shocking results. Or he's just using that claim as an excuse. Which is it? You'll have to gradually reach the conclusion on your own. But for Josh's sake and yours, I hope the test results are good.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #6  June 27,2009, 6:25am
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highwaygirl,

I am sorry you find yourself in this very trying situation. Although I agree with the other posters that you need to let Josh know that you have moved on, I do not think it would be wise to give any details. He does not need to know about your dating nor who the current love of your life is. What he does need to know is that you are still his friend and that you will offer all the support you are able such as phone calls, texting and emails, maybe snail mail such as a card.

As for Kevin, I would have a good sit down chat with him concerning Josh. He should be made aware of Josh's condition and your feelings for him. I would make sure to point out that you are in love with him, not Josh and what kind of support you will be offerring Josh. Doing this should prevent problems down the road.

So that you can give good support to Josh you are going to have to find out everything there is about his condition based on his diagnosis. Depending on his diagnosis there maybe a new treatment that is not radiation or chemo based. I just saw it on the news this week. I remember something called BRCA-1 and BRCA-2 being mentioned with very good results and none of the bad side effects. You might want to see if this therapy is something that will help Josh and then pass the information on to him if it fits the bill.

In regard to support, do not forget that you can send E-cards for free. One of these could just be enough to lift his spirits up when he needs it most. Good luck
 
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highwaygirl is offline highwaygirl Post #7  July 14,2009, 7:00pm
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Thank you everyone for your advice. I have decided to tell Josh that I have moved on, but will always be there for him as a friend. I will have done my part, and it will be up to him as to whether he wants me in his life as a friend or not.
I love Kevin and I cannot let my feelings of guilt for Josh ruin what I'm sure will be a lasting relationship.
Thanks again.
 
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