In love with a man who is 45yo, never married and has no children.......

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sweeetface Post #1 June 23,2009, 4:35am

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I met him about a year ago through a singles site. I am a 34yo woman, divorced twice, mother to 4 children who has had a fairly rough life to this point. He is polar opposite. I do not want any more children and he is unable to have more! I am a christian woman who was raised with old fashioned morals and values. I am not a perfect woman, but have learned alot in this life and know what I do and do not want in my life and my children's lives. Additionally, I have learned alot and I mean ALOT about relationships(you'd have to be a close friend of mine to ever get a full understanding of everything and where I've been leading to where i'm at). This man, that I met, is the first man in my entire life that I have ever loved *unconditionally*. He is the love of my life!! He doesn't know that, but he knows I truly love him-as I've shown him through my actions. He claims he loves me the same! Like I'm his soulmate. We get along very well and have a whole lot in common, that most people would feel *blessed* if they met a person in their life that they were so in-sync with. The main issue that leads to some problems being that he's NEVER been married!!! He has had two LTR, one of which the girl turned psycho on him, literally, and she had lived with him for 2 years. Prior to that, he had another one similar to that.They were more or less engaged. Other then that, he claims he's never really had a *relationship*. At times, he speaks of marriage and such and that that is something he truly wants in this life. He has went as far to ask ME what type of wedding I'd want IF I were to ever marry again, him knowing of course that I'd never remarry unless I was 100% certain that that person IS IT!!

I wasn't looking for a relationship, only friends literally, when I met this man and he is a very significant person in my life now. I know I love him unconditionally, because of the *tests* we have had during the year we've been dating; g/f-b/f; etc. It is dificult because he does have selfish tendencies and I am learning, or well TRYING hard to learn, how to communicate EFFECTIVELY with him what things bother me and what don't. He says he adores me, cherishes me, wants to KEEP me, and loves me. He reflects these actions-I'd say 75% of the time.

To complicate things a little moreso, he is also a truck driver OTR, but is home every weekend and desires to get a local driving job(which everyone knows today's economy is tough). I keep my eyes peeled for him in that capacity, as i know it's his true desire. He has said that if he was home, he'd be with me every night! Because his time is limited when he is home and I have children-every other weekend plus work, it does truly complicate things. This man has been a blessing in my life though you see, because patience has NEVER been something I've been good at; however, I love him-truly love him-so I've been *hanging in there*. My friends have listened to all the good/bad and thrown in their opinions, of which, NONE of them have a successful healthy-happy-truly 100% fulfilling relationship/marriage in their lives. So, naturally, they lean toward ME and my feelings, i.e: If I'm hurt by something he does, they say dump him-etc..you get the idea there.

So, why am I here? Advice coming from MEN that are 45 and over in any type of similar situation? Or women who have dealt with this? any insight is appreciated.

Last edited by sweeetface; June 25,2009 at 8:45am.

Wiseman2 Post #2 June 23,2009, 8:54am

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What exactly is your question? Whether to "hang in there"? Friends will give all sorts of conflicting advice, so very good insight into that, some friends just enjoy the armchair-quarterbacking aspect of that, rather than offer true insight. Some mean well, but give bad advice. Follow your own heart and mind. He obviously CAN make a commitment, the fact that fiance #2 died was not in his control, so "never married", may not indicate what you think. If he wants to eventually find a local job ,he will, so leave him to that, be a girlfriend, not an employment agency, that won't accelerate the process. As far as "can be selfish" goes, he will at times do as he pleases, it depends HOW "selfish". You can communicate what does and doesn't bother you as much as you like, but you cannot change him. If he hears you he will try to accommodate you, and the amount he is willing to, will shed some light. He can't do what he can't do,however. Follow your heart, watch what he DOES, not what he says.Therein lies the truth for you.

sweeetface wrote :

I met him about a year ago through a singles site. I am a 34yo woman, divorced twice, mother to 4 children who has had a fairly rough life to this point.
He is the love of my life!!

.We get along very well and have a whole lot in common, that most people would feel *blessed*

he's NEVER been married!!!

he does have selfish tendencies

how to communicate EFFECTIVELY with him what things bother me and what don't.

To complicate things a little more so, he is also a truck driver , but is home every weekend

. I keep my eyes peeled for him

in that capacity, as i know it's his true desire

. He has said that if

he was home, he'd be with me every night!
patience has NEVER been something I've been good at;

however, I love him-truly love him

-so I've been *hanging in there*
My friends have listened to all the good/bad and thrown in their opinions,

If I'm hurt by something he does, they say dump him-etc..you get the idea there.

So, why am I here? Advice coming from MEN that are 45 and over in any type of similar situation? Or women who have dealt with this? any insight is appreciated.

Last edited by Wiseman2; June 23,2009 at 8:56am.

pussinboots Post #3 June 23,2009, 9:56am

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Again, sweetface, what exactly is your question? Even if a person has NOT been alone a good majority of the time and used to doing things his own way, 75% agreement is pretty good.

I am a 61 year old man who has also never been married with no children and has not had much in the way of LTRs. In my case there is nothing particularly surprising about the reasons.

This is why I came to join match.com for a year with no success whatsoever. I found it amazing that so many women there - even ones who had nver been married themselves! - would not want a man who had never been married. I was never able to get an answer about this.

Now after being on eHarmony since last fall, I have been in an LDR since the end of January with someone previously married with children. Hopefully we will be meeting for the first time soon. [It was supposed to happen at the end of May, but a family emergency developed.] We do have skype with webcam and I must admit we agree somewhere in the 90 percantile.

Harvey7 Post #4 June 23,2009, 10:00am

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sweeetface wrote :

I met him about a year ago through a singles site. I am a 34yo woman, divorced twice, mother to 4 children who has had a fairly rough life to this point. He is polar opposite. I do not want any more children and he is unable to have more! I am a christian woman who was raised with old fashioned morals and values. I am not a perfect woman, but have learned alot in this life and know what I do and do not want in my life and my children's lives. Additionally, I have learned alot and I mean ALOT about relationships(you'd have to be a close friend of mine to ever get a full understanding of everything and where I've been leading to where i'm at). This man, that I met, is the first man in my entire life that I have ever loved *unconditionally*. He is the love of my life!! He doesn't know that, but he knows I truly love him-as I've shown him through my actions. He claims he loves me the same! Like I'm his soulmate. We get along very well and have a whole lot in common, that most people would feel *blessed* if they met a person in their life that they were so in-sync with. The main issue that leads to some problems being that he's NEVER been married!!! He has had two LTR, one of which the girl turned psycho on him, literally, and she had lived with him for 2 years. Prior to that, he had another one like that, about 10 years ago, except she wasn't psycho, she got killed in a car wreck. They were engaged. Other then that, he claims he's never really had a *relationship*. At times, he speaks of marriage and such and that that is something he truly wants in this life. He has went as far to ask ME what type of wedding I'd want IF I were to ever marry again, him knowing of course that I'd never remarry unless I was 100% certain that that person IS IT!!

I wasn't looking for a relationship, only friends literally, when I met this man and he is a very significant person in my life now. I know I love him unconditionally, because of the *tests* we have had during the year we've been dating; g/f-b/f; etc. It is dificult because he does have selfish tendencies and I am learning, or well TRYING hard to learn, how to communicate EFFECTIVELY with him what things bother me and what don't. He says he adores me, cherishes me, wants to KEEP me, and loves me. He reflects these actions-I'd say 75% of the time.

To complicate things a little moreso, he is also a truck driver OTR, but is home every weekend and desires to get a local driving job(which everyone knows today's economy is tough). I keep my eyes peeled for him in that capacity, as i know it's his true desire. He has said that if he was home, he'd be with me every night! Because his time is limited when he is home and I have children-every other weekend plus work, it does truly complicate things. This man has been a blessing in my life though you see, because patience has NEVER been something I've been good at; however, I love him-truly love him-so I've been *hanging in there*. My friends have listened to all the good/bad and thrown in their opinions, of which, NONE of them have a successful healthy-happy-truly 100% fulfilling relationship/marriage in their lives. So, naturally, they lean toward ME and my feelings, i.e: If I'm hurt by something he does, they say dump him-etc..you get the idea there.

So, why am I here? Advice coming from MEN that are 45 and over in any type of similar situation? Or women who have dealt with this? any insight is appreciated.

I happen to think that you are very lucky to find this man. If the situation were reversed and your new man posted on the board, what do you think that he would have asked our opinion about you and your kids? You should re-read your post and your all wet. Why would a single man want a well traveled women, who is under 35 years of age and who has been married and divorced twice before her 34 birthday?

She has 4 kids who are well trained and disaplined they respect each other and their elders. Which is not the case in most families today.

Don't listen to your friends, listen to the little voice in your head.

I would suggest that you and your family go into family counseling but mostly with your new man. Why, that is a good question! What is your new husbands operating roll to be as head of the family. Husband, lover, moral leader, step parent and what else?
By law he is not allowed to hit or punish your kids and will they listen to him and respect his wishes? These are the real problems that make or break a marriage, not the nonsense that your friends are saying to you. Be thankful that your getting a third chance. Do it right this time.

Harvey7.

Last edited by Harvey7; June 23,2009 at 10:03am.

DancingFool Post #5 June 23,2009, 10:28am

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Well...let's see here....talk about a pot calling the kettle black. You are 34, divorced twice and have 4 kids. Let me repeat that again - you have 2 divorces and 4 kids! The fact that he is actually giving you a chance makes him darn near a saint. Most men would run away screaming from something like that.Yet you are pointing a finger at him and you even call him selfish???? Sorry but in my book this guy sounds pretty amazing and tolerant.

The bottom line is that we all have things that we don't like about our SO, habits that irritate us, things that we wish would change and know never will, etc. Relationships are not fairy tales and happily ever after only comes with hard work, compromise and a whole lot of tolerance for imperfections. If you really love him as you say, better forget about all the doubts that your friends are sowing and focus on how to be happy with him.

MelinCali Post #6 June 23,2009, 11:50am

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sweeetface wrote :

I wasn't looking for a relationship, only friends literally, when I met this man and he is a very significant person in my life now. I know I love him unconditionally, because of the *tests* we have had during the year we've been dating; g/f-b/f; etc. It is dificult because he does have selfish tendencies and I am learning, or well TRYING hard to learn, how to communicate EFFECTIVELY with him what things bother me and what don't. He says he adores me, cherishes me, wants to KEEP me, and loves me. He reflects these actions-I'd say 75% of the time.

This is a long OP that I think has 3 concerns for you (if I am correct) 1) he has never married, 2) his job takes him away a lot and 3) he can be selfish.

As others have pointed out already, the fact that he has never married does not show an unwillingness to commit on his part since he had a fiancee who died. I find it understandable that he has never made a commitment in light of that. The problems with his job are an issue that he is already trying to remedy, so I don't see that as a hurdle that needs addressing.

The only concern I read here then is that he has selfish tendencies. What does that really mean? If he is giving 75% of the time, that tells me he is in agreement or willing to compromise most of the time, but not to be a door mat that does everything you ask of him just to please you. Perhaps if he seems to be unreasonably selfish to you, it may be because you are used to thinking about your 4 children in many of your decisions whereas he has only had to consider himself. Without examples of this perceived selfishness, there is no way for us to know and post whether we agree with you or not.

You are indeed lucky to find someone who you love so much in light of your two divorces and 4 children. That is not an easy thing for people to overlook when giving a new relationship a chance. I think you need to look at yourself and really ask if you are asking too much of him when you think he is being selfish. Are you the one being unreasonable?

Bandmate Post #7 June 23,2009, 12:28pm

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DancingFool wrote :

Amazing isn't it...how little some people bring to the table in the way of positives and yet still point fingers

all_seasons Post #8 June 23,2009, 4:59pm

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I married a woman who was divorced twice previously and already had a child. I can tell you this. First of all, it didn't last. As some on these boards know, I am going thru divorce. It was from this woman. And actually, it was she who filed for the divorce. I consider myself a good person. So do my ex's family and friends. They also consider her a good person. But the dynamic between she and I and her child was too much for her and our marriage to absorb. How prepared are you to let this man into the lives of your chldren? What role (as parent of these children) will he play and is that roll well defined and agreed upon between the two of you? Is/are the other man/men kn the picture? I can tell you this. The mistake that my now ex and I made was not cementing that definition, as to how far I would be allowed to discipline her child. Originally she gave me full reign. Then slowly she started to upll back (argue with me about my approach). It turned out that she wanted me to be there to give him good things, but she didn't like for me to take control in disciplinary roles, thus undermining my authority, often times right in front of him. Total parenting disaster! We also had one child of our own. Thankfully, I will split custody and he wont have to be confused as to what he will get when he is with me.

Think long and hard about that 3rd marriage. I was supposedly "the best thing" that happened to my ex (I was her 3rd) until she decided (3 years or more into our marriage) that she just didn't agree with my parenting style.

jayjay Post #9 June 23,2009, 5:26pm

...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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all_seasons wrote :

I'm curious....did she have a problem with the way you interacted with and disciplined the child that the two of you had together?

all_seasons Post #10 June 23,2009, 6:25pm

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jayjay wrote :

I'm curious....did she have a problem with the way you interacted with and disciplined the child that the two of you had together?

No she doesn't. I really hope it doesn't come to that because he is only 7 years old and still quite impressionable. And honestly, I have grown as a parent and father as well. Having a stepson as your first parenting experience is quite challenging. Both of the adult parties have to work at defining and maintaining boundaries. In the child's mind, the step parent is NEVER his/her parent when that option becomes the convenient card to play.

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