My girlfriend has lost interest in sex but says there is nothing wrong....


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monkeyman251 is offline monkeyman251 Post #1  June 17,2009, 10:04pm
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Hi.

I really love my girlfriend, we have been together nearly four years now and are getting married next year, we are both in our early thirties.


I am a little worried about something though; i'm quite a sexual person and she used to be, we used to have very exciting, sometimes dirty, sex, and i know this was never always going to stay like that but she just seems to have totaly lost interest now. We used to fantasise a lot together but she doesn't even want to do that. She says she doesn't have any fantasies now and doesn't even think about sex! She used to masturbate but doesn't anymore, she just doesn't seem to make any effort now.


I would like to go down on her a lot more often than i do because i like to but she gets upset and offended if i ask her to maybe make sure she is clean down there before i do (i would never dream of asking her to go down on me after i have just done a days work.) . I need to ask her for a handjob (can be an effort sometimes) and it is very very rarely that she will go down on me just for the sake of going down on me and the last time she did i said 'maybe you can do it a little more like this' and again she got offended. There were certain things that she used to do but now doesn't and i kind of feel now that all those things that she did were just to keep me interested in her and now that we have been together for awhile, she feels there is no need to do them, which makes me very frustrated as i feel that it is always going to be like this now.


I have tried to talk to her about this but she feels there is nothing wrong.


Again, we both love eachother, we have a good relationship and hardly argue at all, we do a lot of things together but i need more than that. I have started watching internet porn on the quiet which doesn't make me feel particularly good. She has caught me out a few of times and we talked about it and i told her why i was accesing it. She says she doesnt mind which is cool but she doesn't seem bothered as to the reason why i have turned to that. Awhile ago we used to watch the odd movie together and that was a turn on for us both but, again, not anymore.





If anyone could give me some advice here i would be very gratefull. Am i just being unreasonable or selfish? Is the problem mine, hers or ours?
 
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avinash is offline avinash Post #2  June 17,2009, 10:27pm
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Are you sure she's not cheating? That she's not depressed? Any other potential physical or mental issues?

I only ask because such a sudden loss in sex drive is unusual
 
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monkeyman251 is offline monkeyman251 Post #3  June 17,2009, 10:32pm
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I am sure she is not cheating, we have recently moved abroad and we hardly know anyone as yet, she doesn't sneak out anywhere or anything like that. She has been putting on a little weight but nothing serious. If things go on like this i am not sure what might happen.

It's been this way for awhile
Last edited by monkeyman251; June 17,2009 at 10:36pm.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  June 17,2009, 10:52pm

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it could be that she's depressed. or, she's having second thoughts about marriage and her anxiety is causing the drop in libido.

less likely, but could it be possible that in the time between the great sex and the no sex she could have suffered some type of sexual assault?

either way, you should get counseling, even if she won't go with you.
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #5  June 17,2009, 10:56pm
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Unless there is some subconscious psychological trauma associated with your recent move, my best guess would be that the problem is hormonal imbalance.

When hormones are low and a woman does not experience desire, having sex can be very painful. This is probably why she is rejecting your advances.

My best advice would be to see a doctor and have full blood tests done. Even if it's not hormones, you can at least rule it out. And if that's the case, I would be thinking that there is a psychological problem involved. Either way, doctor's office and full blood analysis would be my first step here.
 
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sharebear1 is offline sharebear1 Post #6  June 17,2009, 11:03pm
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I think the move must have something to do with it. I moved across the country with my spouse, for his job, and left behind everything familiar to me. It has taken me years to readjust (and my marriage ended, too, partly due to all the stress of the move.) Moving is one of the most stressful things anyone can go through, and I would not be the least bit surprised if that is why there is trouble in the bedroom. Perhaps she is afraid to tell you, for fear of disappointing you, that she is having second thoughts about having moved to a new country? Just a thought.
 
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monkeyman251 is offline monkeyman251 Post #7  June 17,2009, 11:26pm
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We moved a year ago and she is happy here, there is no doubt in my mind about that. 100% sure. She has even said that she would hate to go back where we came from. She doesn't reject my advances, we still have sex, but rarely and when we do it is unexciting, she doesn't do anything. It's like; if i kiss her she sees it as a precurser to sex and pulls away coz she thinks thats all i kiss her for (sometimes she's right but not always), then if i don't kiss her enough she gets upset. This started happening before we even knew that we was going to move. I am confused and frustrated by this. We are still young and, well, i feel we should be going at it like rabbits. She seems happy and looking forward to getting married.
Hey, guys, thanks for the input so far. It is much appreciated.
 
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lil_lamb is offline lil_lamb Post #8  June 17,2009, 11:53pm
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honestly, reading the story, i feel your responses to her have been depressing. it's like instead of what might be possible next, you're looking at it all as "what she's not doing" and have been doing that until it wore thin. also, having to "shower and dust under the bed" is a hallmark cliche of repression - you're just a phrase short of that.

maybe you should read erica jong's fear of flying from the '70s. no, i mean that for real.
 
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monkeyman251 is offline monkeyman251 Post #9  June 18,2009, 12:05am
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I show her that i love her every day so does she which make this all the more confusing.

Would you quite happily perform oral sex on someone after a day in hot underwear at work. See the 'shower or quick wash' thread.

This is probably the most least 'repressed' flat on our street, lol, and as for the dust underneath the bed we take turns.
 
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monkeyman251 is offline monkeyman251 Post #10  June 18,2009, 12:13am
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I guess i didn't make it clear how much i actualy care about this girl did i.

We take turns with the dust under the bed by the way.
 
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