Marriage and weight gain question


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garagecapital is offline garagecapital Post #1  June 17,2009, 2:10pm
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What do you do when your wife gains a lot of weight over the course of say 10 years. I love her, wouldn't consider divorcing her for a lot of reasons but I just cannot eroticize her anymore. It's often hard to do anyway after 10 years, for a guy, at least. But if an average size 5'7" woman puts on 50 pounds, how do you tell her, dear, ....." Tried hints at the gym, worry about her her health. But I sense it would be a struggle at best for her and she doesn't seem to want to do it. Our sex life has died for this and other reasons, but this seems to me to be a fixable reason and a good first step. Thoughts?
 
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tbesq is offline tbesq Post #2  June 17,2009, 3:18pm
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Garagecapital,

First thing I would recommend (if you're not doing it already) is to lead by example. Don't expect something from your wife that you aren't doing or willing to do yourself. So hopefully you're practicing a healthy diet and good physical fitness.

Second, before approaching your wife about the issue, consider for yourself all of the possible reasons she could have put on weight (i.e. childbirth, hormonal and other health changes, etc.) She will be less receptive to what you have to say if she feels the weight gain is beyond her control.

Last, I'm sure you already foresee this will be a sensitive subject for her...it usually is for women, if you haven't read the various threads. There is no guarantee that any approach you take will not get her upset. But if it is important to you, and assuming your wife still wants physical intimacy from you, go for it.

Once the women here give their opinions, I'm sure you'll get a different message. Just take it as constructive criticism, don't argue with them or take offense, and keep an open mind.

Best of luck.
 
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jayjay is offline jayjay Post #3  June 17,2009, 4:04pm
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...things seem to have gotten quiet around here.

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Hmmm....one thing to consider is that no matter what you say to her or how you say I think there is almost no chance that your actions will result in her losing weight. The odds are just really seem against this happening. Perhaps the more fundamental issue to address is the fact that there is an apparent absence of communication between the two of you as you seem not to have discusses the lack of sex life and how your attraction & feelings for her have changed. Perhaps that is where you should start, rather than with her weight.
 
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D_Lion is online now D_Lion Post #4  June 17,2009, 4:09pm
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Maybe there won't be any Ladies posting on this thread?

Shall we get all carried away?
 
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ThePriestess is online now ThePriestess Post #5  June 17,2009, 4:13pm
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garagecapital wrote :
What do you do when your wife gains a lot of weight over the course of say 10 years.
What do you do when your car's engine dies?
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #6  June 17,2009, 4:26pm
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garagecapital wrote :
What do you do when your wife gains a lot of weight over the course of say 10 years. I love her, wouldn't consider divorcing her for a lot of reasons but I just cannot eroticize her anymore. It's often hard to do anyway after 10 years, for a guy, at least. But if an average size 5'7" woman puts on 50 pounds, how do you tell her, dear, ....." Tried hints at the gym, worry about her her health. But I sense it would be a struggle at best for her and she doesn't seem to want to do it. Our sex life has died for this and other reasons, but this seems to me to be a fixable reason and a good first step. Thoughts?
The loss of intimacy that you describe may be a hint toward deeper problems. And it may be very difficult to figure out the whole chicken and egg scenario. My advice would be to find out if there is something about your relationship that is making your wife want to create physical distance from you. Very often one of the reasons that women put on weight - especially if they know it bothers their husband - is because there is an emotional problem that is adversely affecting her desire for physical intimacy. Many times when a woman becomes emotionally dissatisfied with her marriage and despondent about any chances of fixing the problems she will stop taking care of her appearance. Weight gain, sweats, no makeup, no fussing with the hair, even substandard hygiene - anything to keep him at arms length. Perfunctory sex with no emotional connection is repugnant to a lot of women. Try asking her if she is happy instead of asking her about her weight. You need to make sure the emotional connection isn't broken. Pressuring her about her weight without tackling any other problems would probably just drive the nails into the coffin.

P.S. - A problem keeping the spark alive after 10 years is indicative of relationship problems. It is not the norm. People, including women, don't just get bored with sex. Sometimes it just stops satisfying their needs.
Last edited by last12C; June 17,2009 at 5:19pm.
 
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Bandmate is offline Bandmate Post #7  June 17,2009, 4:34pm

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D_Lion wrote :
Maybe there won't be any Ladies posting on this thread?

Shall we get all carried away?

A woman has posted here,and as could be expected her advice is to see what he is doing wrong to cause it all
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #8  June 17,2009, 4:46pm
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Last edited by last12C; June 18,2009 at 5:54pm. Reason: duplicate post, see below
 
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yeoww is offline yeoww Post #9  June 17,2009, 4:48pm
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last12C wrote :
A problem keeping the spark alive after 10 years is indicative of relationship problems. It is not the norm.
Well said! That initial rosy haze of lust inevitably fades away but in a strong union what remains is an intimacy developed from years of shared history, respect and - yes! friendship. And the physical side of that type of relationship can be the best ever

And sometimes weight gain can be a symptom of chronic depression, which can crop up independent of the relationship. Or if someone's experienced a big change or loss (a child leaving home, getting laid off) - those feelings can trigger eating because food is a comfort to many.
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #10  June 17,2009, 4:50pm
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Well, it appears that I can't post anything without it getting moderated. Perhaps I can get something said in an edit.

Bandmate - that is not at all what I said. Perhaps she is the one that did wrong. Perhaps neither did wrong. Perhaps there is a problem that is altogether unrelated that is causing the problem. All I'm saying is that there may be some underlying issue that needs to be addressed in the relationship. Even, as Yeoww has pointed out, it may be an issue that has nothing to do specifically with the relationship, but it is being played out within the context of the relationship.

I find it interesting that what I said is essentially the same thing that a couple of the guys have hinted at, but when I said it you interpreted it to mean "the woman is blaming the man for everything". I wouldn't exactly say that the tendency toward such measures to create distance are complimentary of the female gender, but I have seen it on numerous occasions.
Last edited by last12C; June 17,2009 at 5:18pm. Reason: Hmmmm... do I sense baggage?
 
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