Marriage and weight gain question


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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #101  August 24,2009, 4:20pm
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I am female and will have a non stereotypical female response.

When I read stuff like this, I feel very sorry for the men in this case. To have your spouse change in such fundamental ways that takes away the joy in a relationship is very sad and disappointing to say the least.

Many women refuse to admit that much of a man's joy in a relationship is how attracted he feels towards her. If you take that away, you take away a significant, joyful aspect of the relationship for them. Sad.

It's the same as a woman marrying a man who decided to not contribute financially to the marriage. That decision will no doubt lead to much less happiness in the marriage and his wife becoming resentful, disillusioned and depressed.

To top this off, this woman is not communicating. You know, we all go thru stress in life. Pretty much all of us. And if we all live long enough we are all going to age and have to deal with that stress.

If she is not talking to him...well, who is to blame for that? I mean if we are adults in a relationship we try to talk...if we can't and the other person can, then we aren't very well suited, are we? Communication is key to a relationship.

If she is feeling rejected/neglected, she needs to talk. I would even if it's uncomfortable. It's just a part of life.

Ultimately, everyone is responsible for themselves. If she is indeed eating because of stress or feeling neglected/rejected by her husband, well, then maybe she should bring it up. Why is he the one that has to ask, plead, wonder and then left to suffer? It's not really fair, IMO. She's leaving him hanging in thin air...feeling guilty, unfulfilled and sad.

By the way, not everyone gets fat due to aging...many do not. And many women do indeed get lazy/frumpy after marriage. Some do this because they never liked keeping themselves up in the first place and don't feel like they should. I, quite frankly, do not understand this and will never be this type of woman, but many women do. I feel this kind of behavior is just as unfair as the husband who refuses to keep up his end of the bargain. Not fair.

OP...since the ball is apparently in your court here, you will have to do the work. Do what you can to find out any underlying issues. I would also tell her how you feel WITHOUT GUILT. I am not saying be mean...no. Be gentle, be loving as you are being but don't feel guilty. You *want* to love her but it's hard for you with all the weight gain. If she's reasonable, she should understand.

Once she knows this clearly, it's up to her to change. Only she can do it.

I congratulate you on your sincere and loving way you want to solve this.

Good luck.
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #102  August 24,2009, 4:29pm
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Probably off topic...but I do believe society, specifically our food system and medical systems are to blame at least in part.

There is abundant information out there on how to heal, keep away most of our major killers (diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, osteoporosis, etc) thru diet. Check out John McDougal, PCRM's work. They have done a tone of studies and healing people with their work.

But this information is not made known when you go to the doctor...they want to give you a pill or give you surgery. And you are led to believe it's just aging or something you have to deal with but that isn't the truth.

The whole thyroid thing is really unfair. I had a lowish thyroid..took the official test. When it came out low I got to work. I started taking thyroid supporting herbs and doing yoga postures for the thyroid. I went back, got another test, thyroid was "normal". I excitely told my physician and all she could say was "No, it can't change". Totally not interested in how I healed it. Very inflexible.

Imagine how much healthier we could be if all this information was readily available. It's too bad because so many are suffering from the system.
 
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Ephemera is offline Ephemera Post #103  August 25,2009, 4:37am
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Life is short. The OP is unhappy in his marriage. That much is clear. Odds are the wife is not going to get rid of the extra weight. That is just a fact with stats to back it up all over the place. He says he wants to stay in the marriage. Why? He is not happy. The situation will unlikely change. Why can we not recommend the obvious? Get out. Make a new and happier life for yourself. Where is the valor in sacrificing your own life and happiness when it is not necessary? Sex and lust are important to all of us. It affects the our brain chemistry. OP - you deserve to have a life filled with joy and happiness and sex. Go find it.
 
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roguewolf1 is offline roguewolf1 Post #104  August 25,2009, 5:11am

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garagecapital wrote :
What do you do when your wife gains a lot of weight over the course of say 10 years. I love her, wouldn't consider divorcing her for a lot of reasons but I just cannot eroticize her anymore. It's often hard to do anyway after 10 years, for a guy, at least. But if an average size 5'7" woman puts on 50 pounds, how do you tell her, dear, ....." Tried hints at the gym, worry about her her health. But I sense it would be a struggle at best for her and she doesn't seem to want to do it. Our sex life has died for this and other reasons, but this seems to me to be a fixable reason and a good first step. Thoughts?

Why do you say you are a guy but your profile says you are a female?
 
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HappyandLight is offline HappyandLight Post #105  August 25,2009, 7:43am
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Ephemera wrote :
Life is short. The OP is unhappy in his marriage. That much is clear. Odds are the wife is not going to get rid of the extra weight. That is just a fact with stats to back it up all over the place. He says he wants to stay in the marriage. Why? He is not happy. The situation will unlikely change. Why can we not recommend the obvious? Get out. Make a new and happier life for yourself. Where is the valor in sacrificing your own life and happiness when it is not necessary? Sex and lust are important to all of us. It affects the our brain chemistry. OP - you deserve to have a life filled with joy and happiness and sex. Go find it.
***************

Well, I would not throw in the towel without trying first. It's so easy to dispose of a relationship but very hard to find a good one...so if there is love there, I would try first.

Having said that, I agree, if the husband is going to feel perpetually unfulfilled, then I would not blame him for leaving. Part of loving your spouse is staying as attractive as possible...if you aren't doing your part, it's understandable that it would fail.

The OP doesn't state his age, how long he has been married...all important factors.
 
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neardc is offline neardc Post #106  August 25,2009, 11:05am
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Toodles, sayonara, and happy trails! Wishing everyone luck and love...

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neardc wrote :
I'm not sure why this thread was revived now, but I'd just like to point out that it was initially posted over 2 months ago (coming to a natural endpoint), and that the OP has not posted on these boards since then.

Although possible, it is unlikely that he will see additional posts at this point....
Just reposting this on this page. The OP has not visited the boards in some time.

If you want to respond to the general issue go ahead, but there is probably not a lot of point in taking the time to direct a response to the OP now.
 
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