Chemistry, Compatibility... and Divorce

When it comes to relationships nothing is gained if nothing is risked. Love requires risk and sacrifice to be a lasting love. For me the value of honesty, humility, commitment and forgiveness are among the few to determine a sucessful relationship. Life will throw everything at you to break up the vows and promise made to oneanother. It HAS to be a concious decision by both to seek the others best interest and honor our decision in choosing our spouse. We are only responsible to do our part and hope we chose wisely that our spouse will do theirs.
Unfortunitly we choose unwisely. I am one who choose unwisely and had to suffer for my decision. I had taken my experience and used it to make myself a complete man for the next woman I will risk with in love. I believe that their are both men and women still out there who are value based to produce a beautiful and lasting marriage.
One thing that is wrong with relationships is we dont give enough time to get past how perfect the other is to see their faults and determine if their faults are acceptible to us. I am looking for a woman who is able to accept me inspite of my faults and I accept her inspite of hers. We have to stop being afraid and just be real. Dont make yourself out to be someone that you are not. Be true to your self.

Oh nuts! The conflict resolution stuff didn't come from a book. It came from overhead handouts from a class I took years ago and there are no credits on them.

One series of books that I do think contain some useful information is the "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" series written by Suzette Haden Elgin. I say some because although there is viable theoretical value, some of the examples of "comebacks" used seem a bit snipey to me (I'd smack somebody upside the haid if they used them on me ). But she does have an interesting take on how to short-circuit a hostility loop and diffuse arguments.

Here's a simplistic example, but if you compare your emotional reactions to it you might be able to see the value:

A Typical argument:

Her: WHY can't you EVER put anything aWAY where it BELONGS? I don't have TIME to pick up after you!

Him: What do you MEAN, you have to pick up after me? You DO NOT! I DO put things back where they're supposed to be!

Her: Oh YEAH? Then WHY can't I find the SCISsors? YOU had them LAST, you know!

Short-circuiting the hostility instead of feeding it:

Her: WHY can't you EVER put anything aWAY where it BELONGS? I don't have TIME to pick up after you!

Him: It's really irritating when things aren't where they belong.

Her: It sure is! I can't find the scissors, and I really need them. Do you know where they are?

(Notice: his comeback is neutral, with no tonal emphasis, compassionate / uniting rather than escalating the hostility).

Like I said, simplistic, but you get the drift.