Chemistry, Compatibility... and Divorce


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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #201  June 23,2009, 9:11pm
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12C explained again (see post194) about the two passive ways of dealing with conflict- avoidance and accomodation which I had sort of thought as "pick your battles."
One problem with "pick your battle" is that sometimes, I find that the issue I ignored is back again. And this time it's getting more annoying. But I see now that 12c is reminding us that hey, speak up about something in a calm moment. It's not necessary to wait until a heat of the moment.
AHHHHH That's one of those good ideas I need.
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #202  June 23,2009, 9:34pm
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Wootz- what would have happened if you asked "Can we talk about this tomorrow?" after that 16 hour shift.

)let's do lunch(
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #203  June 24,2009, 8:44am
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Wootz wrote :
Bet you sex to doughnuts it was either frikshun or the author of your last post (great quotes btw).
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #204  June 24,2009, 8:58am
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wishamee wrote :
12C explained again (see post194) about the two passive ways of dealing with conflict- avoidance and accomodation which I had sort of thought as "pick your battles."
One problem with "pick your battle" is that sometimes, I find that the issue I ignored is back again. And this time it's getting more annoying. But I see now that 12c is reminding us that hey, speak up about something in a calm moment. It's not necessary to wait until a heat of the moment.
AHHHHH That's one of those good ideas I need.
You can practice setting up your modus operandi of handling conflict while you are debating the color and style of your living room couch or what you are going to plant along the driveway where emotions generally don't cloud the issue. Once your debate policies are established through habit it is easier to deploy them to insinuate sanity into an insane situation.

Just to emphasize - I really think it is important that should you decide the heat of the moment is not conducive to rational discussion it is imperative to validate the concerns and feelings being expressed before withdrawing. You never want to leave someone with the feeling that you don't want to deal with their grievance (aka their silly little problem) because you do not consider it important. And I think that it is also advisable to set a specific limit on the cooling off period at the time that it is suggested so that things don't get swept under the rug. The whole point of a cooling off period is to give both parties breathing room in order to contemplate the problem and any possible solutions. The passive device is used solely in support of the active device.
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last12C is offline last12C Post #205  June 24,2009, 9:22am
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littlebluemonkeymind wrote :
I think it would be helpful to have a bibliography of some of the reference material...but that's just me. I tend to collect information and things like the conflict resolution information you've posted is definitely something I'd go back and refer to...

No need to reference Proverbs...I know where to find that : )
Oh nuts! The conflict resolution stuff didn't come from a book. It came from overhead handouts from a class I took years ago and there are no credits on them.

One series of books that I do think contain some useful information is the "Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" series written by Suzette Haden Elgin. I say some because although there is viable theoretical value, some of the examples of "comebacks" used seem a bit snipey to me (I'd smack somebody upside the haid if they used them on me ). But she does have an interesting take on how to short-circuit a hostility loop and diffuse arguments.

Here's a simplistic example, but if you compare your emotional reactions to it you might be able to see the value:

A Typical argument:

Her: WHY can't you EVER put anything aWAY where it BELONGS? I don't have TIME to pick up after you!

Him: What do you MEAN, you have to pick up after me? You DO NOT! I DO put things back where they're supposed to be!

Her: Oh YEAH? Then WHY can't I find the SCISsors? YOU had them LAST, you know!

Short-circuiting the hostility instead of feeding it:

Her: WHY can't you EVER put anything aWAY where it BELONGS? I don't have TIME to pick up after you!

Him: It's really irritating when things aren't where they belong.

Her: It sure is! I can't find the scissors, and I really need them. Do you know where they are?

(Notice: his comeback is neutral, with no tonal emphasis, compassionate / uniting rather than escalating the hostility).

Like I said, simplistic, but you get the drift.
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last12C is offline last12C Post #206  June 24,2009, 10:37am
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This discussion has brought back a lot of memories for me. One of the things that I was blessed with - and that I am sure contributed to the success of our marriage - was that "arguments" with Mark took forever. He took a lot of time to think his thoughts out before speaking. And he almost always spoke softly and with very little inflection. I learned pretty early on that it behooved me to have something to occupy my hands (and mind) during these encounters. I became rather adept at needlepoint during that time. I am not certain whether he was that way because the school of hard knocks had taught him that he had severe foot-in-mouth disease or if his first wife was skillful in twisting everything he said beyond recognition because he didn't have a mean bone in his body. But the end result was that, although you had to wait for it, just about every time he opened his mouth and actually spoke, normally something worth hearing came out.

BTW, I think that this is a natural tendancy for a lot of men that I hear a lot of women complain about rather than appreciating for what it can potentially contribute to the relationship.
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #207  June 24,2009, 11:10am
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When I woke up this morning, my first thought was about how glad I was for wootz' reminder that inside a good Relationship we can have some really intense disagreements that we will resolve. And that we really will have some positives come out of the disagreements or fights.

I realize that I wanted to avoid the pain of disagreements and fighting, based on a broken, failed relationship. It's baggage to leave behind. But "that was then, this is now." I'm going to have a new, healthy relationship, with some better wisdom and tools.

My summary: WHEN IN LOVE (not just lusty)
What makes a good Relationship, that myserious, wonderful intangible connection between two people?
Chemistry and Compatability bring us to forge a Commitment. We call that an exclusive Relationship.

A Relationship is individuals 1-you, 2-your sweetheart, and 3-that wonderful connection that you share. All three must be nourished and kept in balance.

We've contributed some ideas on what elements go into a healthy relationship, and deliberately keeping these elements active will keep the Relationship healthy.

Real Loyalty
Respect
Humor
Effort
Focus
Sharing
Trust
A Good Deep Breath (grin)
Desire to make both lives better
Being in love with Love
Capacity for JOY (the joy bucket)
Conflict resolution-The work of paying attention to how each is feeling and reacting, and how to make it a win-win for all three entities, the two individuals and the relationship.

Within these 12 elements, we have collectively tossed around a lot of great ideas in how it all works together.

I sure have learned a lot, thought a lot and want to thank all of you for this experience.
If I have left anything out, please add it!
Last edited by wishamee; June 24,2009 at 8:51pm. Reason: Edited to put it all under a Relationship of LOVE- thanks
 
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last12C is offline last12C Post #208  June 24,2009, 11:16am
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wishamee wrote :
If I have left anything out, please add it!


Hope springs eternal and history does not have to repeat itself!

and

The most important things that you can bring into a relationship are your confidence in yourself and faith in other people. And both of those involve getting rid of a LOT of baggage.
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last12C is offline last12C Post #209  June 24,2009, 1:36pm
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I also wanted to thank Wootz.

Your responses have been gutsy and straight from the heart. It has been so important to have a man's perspective. There's no way that this thread could have survived this long without you!

Thanks fer gettin' nekky in front of us!
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #210  June 24,2009, 2:28pm
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Wootz wrote :
Bibliographies rock! Maybe our resident writer should compile the source material here for one of those "self help" guides without the red/white color scheme and skeevy title. Or we could all do what I do and copy posts to a document file to reference for later summary and research...
We have a resident writer? Hmmmm....

Thanks for the thread, last12c. And to Wootz and Wish for keeping it going for so long. There's really good stuff here and, despite my monkey tendency to be silly, I've enjoyed reading it and admire the honesty and sharing that I've seen here.
 
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