Long distance communication problems;


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Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #1  June 16,2009, 6:39am
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Thanks in advance for reading this and helping out. Any thoughts are helpful.

I've recently started dating a girl who blows me away. She's independent, intelligent, attractive... suffice it to say she's everything I've been looking for and more.

I'm mildly pragmatic on occasion, like the first time we met. I was tired of the dating scene and my bar was set pretty high. I was not making it easy on her but she kicked down the door to my heart right away. It was electric.

Long story short, we connected and there was serious chemistry right from the start. Everything went really quickly for us and we enjoyed each others company from February until May.

In May she graduated and accepted a job a day and a half drive away. Its only a short contract and she'll be back in a month. This gives me lots of hope.

During this whole process I've been supportive and encouraging and understanding. I want her to be happy and self reliant. I want her to be the best she can be in every facet of her life. I want her to be, and feel like a success!

My issue revolves around the lack of communication I get from her. I try and e-mail her regularly. At first I told her how great she was and how lucky I was to be with her and I included talk about how I felt and so forth; Basically mushy I care for you and miss you and hope you are doing alright stuff. I tried to share all of this because it was true and its how I felt. Women like to know that right?

So she's non responsive. I ask her when she calls "What can I do to make your time there better?" She tells me that I can stop with all the mushy emails because they make her uncomfortable.
Alright, so we talk that out quickly enough. Personally I think she believes she doesn't deserve to be told those things. She does deserve them because she's my girlfriend. That means she's special to me.

That aside, she refuses to tell me her feelings. I try and ask her but she says that my asking is making it harder for her to express herself. I understand to a degree, but I'm confused. At this point I'm respecting her desire for space.

She prefers hearing about my daily activities in emails but when I write her about them she generally responds with a quarter of what I've written; And then only half the time. I understand that too, maybe she writes slower than I do.

I talk to her on the phone MAYBE twice a week and even then the calls are short. Maybe 10 minutes. She needs to call me because there is no phone there besides her cell. I tried buying her minutes and a long distance plan but we tore through 60 dollars in the one, hour long call we had. No really feasible to keep that up!

I know she's busy with work and communal living, and I also know that she is loyal and more than likely committed to me... I just feel so terrible that she thinks everything is status-quo when I'm feeling so bad. I'm hesitant to mention all this because she's working and funneling her energies into advancing herself. I don't want to drag her down with what I should be handling myself.

Besides, the few times we do speak on the phone, I don't want to ruin it by talking about something she's told me bothers her. My feelings.

Does anyone have thoughts on how I might feel better about this? I don't want to push her away but I also don't want to suffer.

Truth be told I'd rather suffer than let her worry over something as inconsequential as my feelings. It's just hard to control the intrusive thoughts and the mental constructs that are popping up to fill the gap that she's left...

I know I'm more attached than she is and it bothers me that she won't talk about her own feelings. Am I just being too sensitive, or does she have a legitimate concern I should investigate? Am I in danger of pushing her away because I'm overly emotional? I can't exactly help it.

Well, thanks everyone. I will do anything to continue being with this girl. She's 25 and I'm 26 and we are so perfect.

I know I'm dealing with 2 parts affection, 1 part limerence, and a whole lot of desire. I know my feelings deeply though. I'm very in touch with my emotions. I just want her to realize my depth and the lengths I'm going to be with her. On the surface everything seems calm but the undertow of these concealed feelings is starting to make me sweat.

I don't want to explode on her when things get too much, I need advice on how to breach the subject matter with her and bleed off some of this pressure.

It's the lack of communication that's undoing me here. Since she's been gone its been getting less and less. My breaking point is getting closer as her disassociation increases.

I don't want to be weak; I want to be strong for her. Should I wait until she returns to talk about this, or should I mention it sooner than later?

Thanks again. I appriciate all the great advice. Its all good advice too.
 
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DDjr is offline DDjr Post #2  June 16,2009, 7:15am
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(I only got about half way through your post.)

Sounds like you both are in different phases of the relationship. She sees it as like, hey this is someone I MIGHT be interested in, and you are making wedding plans.

If you want this to work, you are going to have to step back and not take it so seriously.
 
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pamcam is offline pamcam Post #3  June 16,2009, 7:16am
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Give time time. Your feelings are not inconsequential. That she writes less than you simply means a different style. I would also find a better cell phone plan w/ unlimited minutes.

My concern would be someone who prefers to communicate at a most basic superficial level...facts, as in how was your day, w/o delving deeper.

Perhaps she is uncomfortable communicating her feelings. Ask her. You sound like a wonderful partner, who IS there. Don't make it all about her; your needs and wants and feelings are important too.
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  June 16,2009, 7:18am
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"My issue revolves around the lack of communication I get from her. I try and e-mail her regularly. At first I told her how great she was and how lucky I was to be with her and I included talk about how I felt and so forth; Basically mushy I care for you and miss you and hope you are doing alright stuff. I tried to share all of this because it was true and its how I felt. Women like to know that right?"

Wrong. Women want to know that you like them, but they do not want to be inundated with mush. It makes you look weak, needy, clingy and otherwise undesirable.

So she's non responsive. I ask her when she calls "What can I do to make your time there better?" She tells me that I can stop with all the mushy emails because they make her uncomfortable.
Alright, so we talk that out quickly enough. Personally I think she believes she doesn't deserve to be told those things. She does deserve them because she's my girlfriend. That means she's special to me.

Oh for pity's sake, LISTEN to her! She is telling you the truth and the fact that she is telling you this means that you are really annoying the carp out of her. Your presumptive, I know what she needs better than she does attitude is not endearing to say the least.

That aside, she refuses to tell me her feelings. I try and ask her but she says that my asking is making it harder for her to express herself. I understand to a degree, but I'm confused. At this point I'm respecting her desire for space.

Again you are being pushy, needy, clingy, annoying. You are demanding things from her that should be given freely over time as it comes naturally to the person. You simply can't demand stuff like that. She is absolutely right when she says that your demands essentially leave her cold.

She prefers hearing about my daily activities in emails but when I write her about them she generally responds with a quarter of what I've written; And then only half the time. I understand that too, maybe she writes slower than I do.

OK....are you serious? Really? Just be happy that she makes the effort to respond at all given everything that's going on in her life right now. Also, she is trying to have a normal conversation with you and steer clear of the emotional mush that you seem to insist on piling on. She is telling you in words and actions to back off and give her some breathing room so you can have a healthy relationship as opposed to an emotional swampland.

The bottom line is that you need to get a grip on yourself because right now you are doing everything you possibly can to push her away as fast as possible. To say that you are being emotional and too sensitive is an understatement. You are in fact a crazy emotional puddle.

So here is my advice - get a life, go work out and get some of that steam off, get with your friends, stop with the mushy e-mails, give her some space, get a grip on your emotions and get to a place where you are not quite so out of control. Do it all before you push her away any further. Good luck to you and sorry about the harsh words, but....
 
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txbubba is offline txbubba Post #5  June 16,2009, 7:44am

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personally, i feel that people go to online dating venues because the people in their geographic area are not available or desireable.

new location means new people to try to connect with..
 
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Trudy75 is offline Trudy75 Post #6  June 16,2009, 7:56am
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wow, okay. First off, congratulations on finding a girl you really like Secondly, you've only recently started seeing her. At this point, it shouldn't bother you so much if your feelings are growing faster than hers. Some people just naturally develop feelings more slowly. Or it could very well be that she feels more strongly for you than she's letting on, but she's not ready to say it yet. There can be lots of reasons for this, and they need not have anything to do with you. Maybe she's been hurt before and she's vary? Either way, you shouldn't spend your time worrying that she's going to disappear because she doesn't care as much for you as you do for her. That sort of thinking will poison your relationship in the long run and add to her insecurities. Just keep being honest about your feelings, but do so because that's how you feel - not because you want her to reciprocate (no idea how you spell that. lol). Also, you don't have to convince her how much you care right this second. Focus on doing that gradually over time with a small gesture here and there. Take an interest in how she's doing, ask her about her day etc. Listen to her. If this is a relationship that you want to last over time, there's nothing wrong with developing it over time.

It's a relationship, not instant soup
 
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Bouffy is offline Bouffy Post #7  June 16,2009, 12:38pm
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Thanks for the constructive thoughts and ideas.
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #8  June 16,2009, 2:00pm

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DancingFool wrote :
"My issue revolves around the lack of communication I get from her. I try and e-mail her regularly. At first I told her how great she was and how lucky I was to be with her and I included talk about how I felt and so forth; Basically mushy I care for you and miss you and hope you are doing alright stuff. I tried to share all of this because it was true and its how I felt. Women like to know that right?"

Wrong. Women want to know that you like them, but they do not want to be inundated with mush. It makes you look weak, needy, clingy and otherwise undesirable.

So she's non responsive. I ask her when she calls "What can I do to make your time there better?" She tells me that I can stop with all the mushy emails because they make her uncomfortable.
Alright, so we talk that out quickly enough. Personally I think she believes she doesn't deserve to be told those things. She does deserve them because she's my girlfriend. That means she's special to me.

Oh for pity's sake, LISTEN to her! She is telling you the truth and the fact that she is telling you this means that you are really annoying the carp out of her. Your presumptive, I know what she needs better than she does attitude is not endearing to say the least.

That aside, she refuses to tell me her feelings. I try and ask her but she says that my asking is making it harder for her to express herself. I understand to a degree, but I'm confused. At this point I'm respecting her desire for space.

Again you are being pushy, needy, clingy, annoying. You are demanding things from her that should be given freely over time as it comes naturally to the person. You simply can't demand stuff like that. She is absolutely right when she says that your demands essentially leave her cold.

She prefers hearing about my daily activities in emails but when I write her about them she generally responds with a quarter of what I've written; And then only half the time. I understand that too, maybe she writes slower than I do.

OK....are you serious? Really? Just be happy that she makes the effort to respond at all given everything that's going on in her life right now. Also, she is trying to have a normal conversation with you and steer clear of the emotional mush that you seem to insist on piling on. She is telling you in words and actions to back off and give her some breathing room so you can have a healthy relationship as opposed to an emotional swampland.

The bottom line is that you need to get a grip on yourself because right now you are doing everything you possibly can to push her away as fast as possible. To say that you are being emotional and too sensitive is an understatement. You are in fact a crazy emotional puddle.

So here is my advice - get a life, go work out and get some of that steam off, get with your friends, stop with the mushy e-mails, give her some space, get a grip on your emotions and get to a place where you are not quite so out of control. Do it all before you push her away any further. Good luck to you and sorry about the harsh words, but....
that is great advice.
 
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SunnyV is offline SunnyV Post #9  June 16,2009, 3:14pm
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I totally understand what you're going through, but a few different circumstances. Earlier this month my long distance love(We met on E-Harmony!) moved further away than what he already was. The toll that has taken along with all the other changes in his life, leaving all he knew and starting over, has affected him more than we ever even imagined. He is quieter and less communicative, but I am understanding of his schedule and his state of mind. At times it's difficult to accept that he can't express himself like he did before because of all the pressure and stress he's under, which has nothing to do with me, but totally affects our relationship. I try to stay focused on what I have to do and on continuing to nurture what we have. I am standing in the gap for him because we're worth it to me and because we plan to spend the rest of our lives together. The feelings and devotion we have for each other haven't changed.

The effort and energy long distance relationships take is indescribable unless you've been in one. I've been in two. I think the most important thing to consider is where you're headed and if you're both on the same page. While relationships change and there is a constant ebb and flow, the foundation has to be laid and there have to be agreed upon wants and goals. There also has to be a willingness to make the extra effort it takes to communicate verbally and in writing because the physical isn't there. If there are areas of wants and needs that are lacking, you will both feel it. It's like the elephant in the room, it's there even if neither of you mentions it. I would recommend you address the issues you're having (YOUR FEELINGS MATTER AS MUCH AS HERS!), but not in an accustatory way where she would feel attacked or get defensive. Maybe ask her if she's been feeling overwhelmed with the relationship and where she sees you all being headed. Just be prepared for the answer... From the sounds of it, she seems a little unsure of how to be in a relationship and to be a tad out of touch with her emotions. Much different than you, who seem to be able to eloquently communicate it all. At times, strengths and weaknesses can balance out or they can create a rift...it just depends on the people in the relationship. You should be appreciated and feel fulfilled. There is so much we can do for ourselves, but when we have a significant other we want to feel needed and we want to be able to lean on them too. There is nothing wrong with wanting that from your companion. You just have to find the right one...and she IS out there.

My apologies, I know I rambled, but the LDR thing hits close to home and I could go on for days...but I won't. I hope that no matter what happens in this situation, you find your true queen! From the sounds of it, you'd be an excellent king! Don't change and don't stop your search...she's out there!
 
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EN_Ken is offline EN_Ken Post #10  June 16,2009, 10:49pm
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Personally, I think the issue here is you and not her. More specifically, I think what needs to be dealt with is how you view a relationship and how a man and a woman should act in a relationship.

A relationship is not a dynamic for two people to be intensely clingy and needy for each other. I do not believe a relationship like that could last or be emotionally satisfying. A relationship is a connection between two people that allows them to build a life and share each others' lives. It's not about a person BECOMING your life.

The fact that you feel this incessant need to be clingy and needy says to me that you have your own issues which still need to be resolved. That type of behaviour is not attractive in a man and often drives a woman away. You must focus on your life and the role that she can play in it and not the role that you can fill in her life. The focus must be on how you are to live and what your goals are in life. You must remember that there is a path that you must walk in life and that must take precedence over those who travel that path with you.

The simple fact is that in 10 years time, you may not be with her any longer, but you will still be with you. Being clingy is ignoring your own life. Focus on that because no one else will build your life for you.
 
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