She's leaving me...how to get out into the real world again


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sadandconfused is offline sadandconfused Post #1  June 14,2009, 5:05pm
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Hi, well if any of you have read my previous threads you would know that my wife and I have been going through some marital problems since the beggining of the year. I have done everything I could to try and get her to love me again. Of course I know I can't make that happen but its the things you say and do that influence someone else's feelings towards you. I have been unsuccessful and she confirmed on Friday that wanted a separation and was going to leave on Monday...today. She doesn't seem convinced of the "possibility" that over time in this separation she might reconsider this marriage. Not good for me but there's nothing I can do about that. All I can really do is hope but I need to keep the hope on the back burner and try and move on. I'm at work right now and she is supposed to be packing and moving out today. I told her I want to say goodbye when I get home. That's probably not a wise choice considering I'm having a hard enough time with this situation but I DO want to say goodbye no matter how hard it will be. I don't plan on saying anything to get her to reconsider...I've done that enough already.

So anyways, the thought of her leaving and being gone and not being able to touch her or make love again are REALLY racking my brain and feelings. Sometimes I feel that maybe this could be a good thing and a lot of the time I can't get over the fact that this is really happening. I try to think of the things I can do with my new life but it usually gets bogged down when I think that she won't be there with me during those new times. I don't plan on dating atleast until the divorce is final. I would definetely feel better if I was in a new relationship but that's the easy way out and I don't think its healthy if you're really not over the other person...these things NEED to take time to heal first. It's going to be hard to get her out of my head even if we never see eachother because we used to be in a long distance relationship (her in Australia, me from USA) and we've spent so long living apart while still having the feelings of a relationship and being on eachother's minds. So I'm just really not sure how to move on from her and put a positive spin on things in the mean time. I mean, now I can do whatever I want without anyone telling me what to do or how to do it but I've gotten so used to her being there to critique me/guide me through things. I feel that because she is the one leaving me that she is going to have a much easier time moving on and forgetting about me. Maybe I'm wrong but surely it's got to be a little easier than what I'm going through. I spoke to her about divorce and she said she hasn't thought that far ahead. She's yet to bring it up and she says she doesn't think about it. Maybe she's just not sure she wants a divorce but definetely needs some time on her own to think things through....these things usually end up in divorce though don't they?

So mainly I'm trying to get some ideas of things I can do to enhance my new life and get the negative "oh my god she's gone" thoughts out of my head. I'm 25 y/o so there's still got to be some good things I can get in to. I live in Australia so keep in mind that I can't do everything that there is to do like in america. A team sport seems exciting but I don't think there's much around here other than school sports. I need to take up a hobby or something but I'd also like to get out more than I do. She keeps telling me to make some friends but I've been out of the loop for so long that I don't have any nor can I think of how to make any. I don't go the pubs because I can't afford it. Meeting people from my area online is a way to start but how can I meet people and make friends the real way? I sound pathetic but I can't imagine just going up and talking to people I don't know. I have no friends to help me build a new web of friends either. Nobody in this town knows me and I hope I can make new aussie friends by being American. I don't want to rub off wrong and I'd like to fit in but like I said, I've been out of the loop for a long time now. It's just hard when you're not "one of them". I used to be in the Marines and I'm even contemplating joining the military here to make my new life easier and to meet new people. I've gotten so used to coming home from work and playing video games that I really like it but maybe I really should get out there and meet some people somehow. Can anyone help give me some good (and inexpensive) ideas to make my new life more exciting and how to make some friends in a country that I'm not originally from? I hope I don't have to change myself much to fit into this new culture of people that are my age. I'm I can't get this to work then I might have to move back to the USA but that still won't fix all of my problems. Should I just start online?

I have a feeling that my wife is going to have these same problems on how to get out in the world and be known. We have come to be so alike and I don't know if what we turned into is good or not. We've spent so much time apart that when I finally moved here we kind of locked ourselves away to be alone and happy. Please help...I really need it!
 
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TaoShaffer is offline TaoShaffer Post #2  June 14,2009, 7:15pm
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Sorry to hear you are hurting man.

Try getting into a new hobby. Get out of the house. Walk around and see the world. Australia has some beautiful country-side. If you really don't want to brave the pubs on your own, why don't you try making some relationships in the work place and see if any of them want to go out and hang out some time. You're going to be raw over your girlfriend that's just natural, but try to stay positive. You're still young and there's plenty of things to do.

To Recap: Get out of the house and try new things.

Oh and don't start any bad habits in your distress... like smoking... or drinking too much.

Addendum: As far as making your girlfriend love you again and holding on to any possibility of getting back together, I would suggest giving her her space, but try to stay in touch. Don't call alot or long letters. Short emails should do. Offer to help her move, ask her how work is going. But stay off the subject of your relationship and all matters pertaining.

Take good care of yourself

--Tao
Last edited by TaoShaffer; June 14,2009 at 7:20pm. Reason: Addendum
 
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navybluy is offline navybluy Post #3  June 26,2009, 6:34am
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Well you are on the right track in the sense that you are reaching out for help and not bottling everything inside, you know the universal cure to all heart aches...TIME...it will get better, it won't hurt so much after a while but in the meantime, I assure you she is hurting just as much as you are, just because she decided to ask for some alone time doesn't make it hurt the less.

Give her the time she is asking for, maybe she will come back maybe not, in the meantime you have to get on with your life, as Tao said, make friends at work that you can hang out with later, this is a good start as you spend more than half your day there.

Hang in there it will get better.
 
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tjlpd is offline tjlpd Post #4  June 26,2009, 6:51am
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I bet there is an American expat group. I lived overseas for a while and it was very easy to connect to the expats as most of them are there temporarily and so they are always welcoming to new comers.

Other ideas join sports leagues or see if they have meetup groups. Do activities you like or would like to do. (running, hang out at the beach, hiking)

Also you are going through a lot right now. It is a good idea to spend some time at home and reflect and work through your feelings.
Last edited by tjlpd; June 26,2009 at 6:53am.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #5  June 26,2009, 7:23am

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There are a lot of issues starting with that you've lost yourself identity.
Your identity is tied into your wife and you don't know who you are any more, so start off with redefining who you are and what makes you happy. See if you can find a group therapy of people that are in a similar position to you. 50% percent of all marriages fail so your not alone, which you will discover for yourself. You probably could use some therapy to to get started and there is no point moving to the USA, unless you have friends or family and most importantly a job waiting for you.

A women does not move out on her own without some type of support system in place. A job an apartment, a new boyfriend or a girlfriend so she is moving on to a new life. The first thing to do is to have you locks on the doors changed and to get your bank accounts and credit cards changed and you should also speak with a divorce lawyer sooner rather then later when you are the victim! Move on but protect your future life as well.

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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #6  June 27,2009, 6:58am
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I am sorry that things have come to this but now is the time to concentrate on moving on rather than worrying about getting her back. Before you rush off to join the military again, think about why you left the military in the first place, then make you decision. As for activities, if you are religious then the church can provide not only the support of faith but may have support groups in place and activities that you could become involved in. Good luck
 
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tommyboy047 is offline tommyboy047 Post #7  June 27,2009, 2:33pm
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Sandand, I have been through this. I was married for 18 years to my high school sweet heart. I loved her more then life itself and when we divorced I thought my life was over, it was very hard to go on. I thought about her every second of my day and I mean every second. It got so hard I stopped listening to the radio or any music for a few months because every song hurt to the bone for me. It hurt so bad. It's been 9 years now and yes time does heal. I went through alot of counseling, self help groups and books. It took me 2 years to recover. It went from thinking of her every second, to every minute to every day to every week, etc.. Now, sure I still think of her, heck I was married to her for 18 years and you never forget someone you truely loved, so don't think you will ever totally forget, you just learn to live with it and maybe better and move on. I have so many tools that I gathered with all the help I had that I will never let myself get down that low again, just go in my bag of self help tools and help myself out of it. You are going to hurt, you are going to be filled with thoughts of her, just don't do it alone, get some help for yourself. If you get back together or not, you will be a stronger person if you help yourself get help. Things will get better, they really will but if you drown yourself in hurt, like I did for the first year, it will take longer.
Last edited by tommyboy047; June 27,2009 at 4:36pm.
 
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