Courage to Know When a Relationship is Not Right For You

Courage to Know When a Relationship is Not Right For You

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Courage to Know When a Relationship is Not Right For You


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rRACINGRANDY is offline rRACINGRANDY Post #1  June 7,2009, 3:08pm
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This truly hits home, that is for sure!
I met someone on this site in September and for the next 6 months, dated exclusivly. It seemed fine on the outside but inside, things were not right. I never felt "at ease" with my partner. Could not pinpoint it other than I always felt awkword. Ashamed. Couldn't even ask her how her day was. (She felt the question was too general and not from someone that cared)
The relationship ended in March but rather than be sad...there was a sigh of relief.
I wonder how many of us are in relationships "just because" we are afraid to be alone and not for the right reasons?
 
 
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Ladyinred57 is offline Ladyinred57 Post #2  June 10,2009, 6:55pm
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Just got out of one today!  Something did not feel right.  I felt he just used me and could care less how my day went or how I was feeling.  Now I feel that I may have done the wrong thing by breaking up with him.  He works so much in management. 80% to his job 10% to his daughter and grandchildren in Atlanta.  8% to his personal time and that left me getting only 2%.  I just felt if he really cared and even tired and exhausted he would come to see me or call.  He did not.  Just a once a week visit for physical needs.
 
 
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healthb is offline healthb Post #3  June 11,2009, 10:11am
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I met someone wonderful and felt the same thing. I just had a feeling that while we really enjoyed on another's company, that we were not meant to be together long-term. Sure enough, he told me about 2 major core value differences, afterward we broke up, but did so very respectfully. Even now we continue to remain very good friends - play sports together, go dancing, even arrange happy hours and sporting events with one another's friends. A break-up isn't always the end of the world, either. Sometimes it frees people to be in a relationship that is better for both parties. I realize our dynamic may change later, but he is a nice person and I will be the first to help him celebrate when he meets the right woman!  ...I just know it isn't me.
 
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Puppygirl is offline Puppygirl Post #4  June 12,2009, 10:06am
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I'm going through this "process" right now and it's a real roller coaster.  I know that a break-up is probably inevitable, but I guess I just need to reach that tipping point, where the bad really outweighs any good coming from the relationship. 
 
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Purplesandbox is offline Purplesandbox Post #5  June 12,2009, 2:03pm
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Even after a couple of dates, when things don't feel right it can still feel like a break up. Ugh.  Dating is all fun and games, until you really connect with the person in some way.  Then, I try to tell myself, if this isn't fun and fairly natural, it's not a fit!
 
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People_Talk_2009 is offline People_Talk_2009 Post #6  June 27,2009, 2:21am
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I just went through this about a month ago. I met someone who I really wanted things to work out with. More and more, as we had an opportunity to know each other, I started thinking..."I do not like this or that." I became so miserable and the relationship started to become a chore to have.

I finally decide to call it quits. I did not feel like any explanation was going to benefit either party. So, we are now putting it behind us. As I watch him now in a social setting, I realize that I like him less and less. I am glad I made the decision early to call it off. I am much happier.

I believe that when a relationship is right for you, it is not a lot of work...there is an automatic connection with most things.
 
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junio59 is offline junio59 Post #7  June 28,2009, 6:36am
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I dated a man for 16 months, I really liked him and we even got to the point to where we would joke about being an e-harmony "success story". We got to the point were we said we loved each other, I met his kids and family; he met my kids and family.
However, the whole time I had this nagging feeling that something was not right, I felt I fit a pattern he had, and that he had certain days and times of the day available for me and nothing else.
Even though I felt this from almost the beginning, I continued to see him. After 16 months dating, I finally pushed to know if he wanted to spend more time with me; what followed was a break up, and I found out he had felt an "emotional distance" from the start and that because we were compatible in so many ways he had hoped he could feel closer to me but it did not happen. Talk about feeling cheated!! I wish I had followed my gut feeling and not waited until I found out I was part of his hidden agenda.
Anyway, you live, learn and move on.
 
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moonmaker is offline moonmaker Post #8  June 29,2009, 3:49pm
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i am in a relationship for 9 mos now.  he has moved into the home i purchased prior to meeting him, lost his job, has a son who comes to visit and...  lately, things have been getting worse.  he lied to me recently, over something so ridiculous and when it came to light that he had, it was in front of his family and child that i couldnt say anything.  I stood there, like nothing.  When discussing it (we were in a public place) he began to yell at me because i was shaking, becuase i was upset.  turned it around on me.  I had drinks at a camping trip last weekend, 7-8 beer/winecoolers in the presence of family and friends and since his son was having a breakdown and he had to go in the tent with him, he thinks that i should have been supportive and not had another drink, though i couldnt go into the tent or be a part of his kids breakdown.  i pay the bills, he uses my car, sure he does a lot of cooking and cleaning lately, but he should. 
he just blows up at me - all the time now and then apologizes, saying it wont happen again, but it does.  "I cant have a drink", "i am a liar if i am home late", "i explode if we argue", which i try and try to get away from him when we do so horrid things dont come flying out.  he calls me crazy, tells me to f off, its just getting worse and worse.  I have spent a big chunk of my savings to help him out while HE is unemployed and he's still said that i should have given him the money to have his car fixed. 
I havent lived with a man in almost 10 years.  I decided to with this guy.  He was so very sweet to me.  We connected.  But i am beginning to become depressed, sad, lonely again.  My money to fix up thngs in the house is gone, he is lazy and....  And i have been telling myself that maybe its because of all that is going on - his job loss, his this, his that, i should try harder....  But ... 
why am i staying?
 
 
 
 
 
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DavyKash is offline DavyKash Post #9  July 13,2009, 10:06am
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Yes... and it happens to the 'male' population as well.  When you are a giver, and give of your soul (mind, will, & emotions), your strength, and your spirit it is not always to 'listen' to the inner feelings.  I believe in people. Pure and simple, I choose to believe in others.  So I find it hard to see the 'choices' others make when they are negative or self-serving.  After all, we all do everything for the 'pay-off', what we are getting from the relationship, event, or action we have chosen.  We are geeting something, even from the 'bad' in our life.
Once I chose to accept certain behaviors as detremental to my well being, I begin to see things a little differently. Yes, there are still feelings, but I have, little by little, CHOSEN to separate myself. 
You see, the relationship started out 'awesome'; closeness, friendship and though we lived together, no physical intamacy until we were both ready.  My idea of a 'lasting' relationship.  But then I begin to notice that it was all about her... her family, her friends, her needs... that I continued to give to. She still loved to go out and have a good time, but with her 'friends'.  Me, I continued to have those lists, those requests, to meet her needs.  And I chose to, after all, it was her house (my payoff, I was living under the roof, in the beginning the 'fun', intamacy, it was exciting).  So I continually found myself fulfilling her 'wants' and 'needs' as a handiman, the repair guy, the mechanic, gardner, cook, house cleaner. laundry service, banker (for the occasional meal or night out), purchase agent for clothes.  It was ok, I love to love the one I'm with.  Totally!
But then the intamacy disappeared overnite; the 'fun times' became more and more with 'friends', especially the 'boys' in her life; her demands for perfection, being there to hold her hair when she vomited after too much alcohol, pamper her when she was sick (or just wanted a massage, about every night); the time with me was spent with demanding lists...  She, a licensed massage therapist, in our three year relationship never once gave me a massage, though she had the time for her 'friends'. (Even now I still sound hurt and teathered.)
Then the verbal accosting and finally physical striking began. She really wanted control. I'ld never been hit by anyone... the demeaning I grew up with.  Funny how we gravitate to the familiar.  Eyes wide open, I chose to leave. Continued to hold on to feelings... of giving, taking care of, support... It's been 10 months now. Still have feelings, but they are seen through different eyes. I finally had to say, "I choose to say 'no' to her requests for help.  It is not a healthy relationship, even as friends. (She still gets with friends for 'fun', counts me as a friend, but in the past months she only wants to see me for 'dogsitting', 'house repairs', or even 'taking care of her garden... she doesn't have time)."  Letting go is hard.  I always chose to keep the lines open... just in case. Through deaths in both of our families we have been there (still kind of one-sided) for each other.  But one of her last statements to me, "You're the only one that will do anything for me, to help me... my friends are too busy, can't get off from work, or are with there families. They just want to have fun with me (these are the guys she dates).  And they don't like you."
We don't text or phone each other much at all these days.  I'm still concerned for her, but I am more concerned for me.  Moving on is hard. Like she used to say to me, "Beginnings are fun, Endings are hard, it's the middle that counts."  I believe that came from the movie Hope Floats.  Well, I'm in the middle... of my life, my experiences, my relationships, my... yes, the relationship has ended. I now count her as... an acquaintance? Actually, I don't see her now. And I have quit being the 'savior' for her needs. 
I finally really listened to 'me',my innerelf. es, it is the middle that counts & I haven't ended.
 
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suzismurf75 is offline suzismurf75 Post #10  August 13,2009, 8:15am
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Puppygirl wrote :
I'm going through this "process" right now and it's a real roller coaster. I know that a break-up is probably inevitable, but I guess I just need to reach that tipping point, where the bad really outweighs any good coming from the relationship.
I just went through this process in May, after a 14 month relationship. It was painful to think about walking away, but I assure you that there was also a sense of relief. It got to the point where I was crying about things that were wrong in the relationship. He ended it, but it was really just a few moments before I was going to do the same thing. He was becoming emotionally distant. I started imagining a lifetime of that and realized I deserved so much more. Good luck!!!
 
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