Jealous, or not? How do I deal with this issue in a compassionate manner for us both?


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Foreshortening is offline Foreshortening Post #1  June 7,2009, 12:21pm
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My boyfriend talks a lot about his old relationships. Two in particular. One of the ex girlfriends is still his friend. I do not consider myself a jealous person, but he has told me their story, and they never really seemed to stop loving eachother, from how he explains it. They simply both decided that they were not right for eachother, as their personalities fed into eachothers negative traits.

When we first started dating, he was very clear that an upcoming event was promised to her. He gets invited to special events as a part of his job, and I have been his date on these events for the past couple months. That's what we do together. He has not invited any of his other friends like he used to, because he wants me on his arm instead. It is wonderful, and makes me feel special that he is including me in what he does for a living.

He recently told me that he loved me. The next morning he mentioned this event again and told me that this other girl was still getting priority, and that he could find a similar event later in the week to take me as well. I thought it was a strange thing to bring up after such an intimate evening, and I said nothing because I was simply so taken aback. Now after thinking about it a lot, I feel like it was almost putting me in my place.

This is not a trust issue. He is a good man, and made a promise to her before I was in his life. That being said, I don't know any woman who would think nothing of her man taking an ex lover on a date that he has specified as the thing he does with her. I do not want to be jealous, and if it were a guy friend I know it wouldn't bother me as much. I know that it is a bit fueled by jealousy, I mean this girl is his friend, but is it appropriate for him to be taking her out like this? She was also the last friend of his that he told about me, because he was concerned about how she would react to him finding someone.

This situation makes me feel devalued. I am also mature enough to not try and dictate who he can have as friends, that would be ridiculous. I just feel like if he is going to be friends with an ex girlfriend, I shouldn't be excluded from it. Is that terribly old fashioned or wierd? How on earth can I approach this in a sensitive manner? Before he told me that he loved me, I honestly hadn't been bothered by this at all. Funny how three words can introduce a new scenario.

I know I have to talk with him about this.
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #2  June 10,2009, 6:28am
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I see a Red Flag. It is not uncommon for people who are dating to talk about past relationships, but to continually bring them up is rather crude behavior. This guy seems to feel he needs to brag about past relationships to increase his worth to you and show you his prowess to himself.

As to the committment he supposedly made to one of his exes, he should explain to his ex that he has a new girlfriend and that you take precedence over her. In my opinion he should cancel his "standing" date for this function with her and take you instead since it appears to be one he enjoys attending.

I would have a good sit down chat with him about constantly bringing up his past and about giving priority to his ex. If he can not see your side of these issues then you must decide if you want to always be number 2 or 3 etc or if this relationship should continue. Personally if I were in your shoes I would consider moving on. No relationship can grow with seeds being sowed such as these which to any normal person would stir feelings of jealousy. Good luck
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #3  June 10,2009, 6:41am
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This is a duplicate thread.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  June 10,2009, 6:57am

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I think that you expressed yourself beautifully without leaving any doubt on your position. I would send him a nice note and also ask him at what point he would consider his promise to his ex-girlfriend fulfilled?

It is not a life time promise and most items do have a reasonable time limit. Assume that next year his ex. gets a new boyfriend who objects to the social arrangement would it be logical to expect change? You could also show him the post or print it out for him to think about. You should have no problem getting your point across to him.

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okidoll is offline okidoll Post #5  June 10,2009, 9:54am
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She takes priority??
I think he made his priorities clear right there.

When you are no longer in a relationship with someone then you don't "go out" with them.

That's nice he doesn't want to hurt her feelings by telling her he can't take her, but what about your feelings?
Last edited by okidoll; June 10,2009 at 9:58am.
 
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logicalmind is offline logicalmind Post #6  June 15,2009, 6:09pm
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i must say, that i do not understand the concept of keeping in contact with ex-boyfriends / ex-girlfriends. I have contact with my ex-husband because we have children together, but aside from that, I do not and will not have any contact with any of my ex-boyfriends. And the reason for it? Your post said it well. With that said, however, I would not dump this guy, but I would set him down and have a heart to heart talk with him. THEN if he continues to "date" his ex-girlfriend, I would think your next move would be out the door.
 
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Raw_Truth is online now Raw_Truth Post #7  June 16,2009, 10:05am
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Make no mistake - there is no such thing as true friends from a man's perspective ex or otherwise - he is consciously/subconsciously maintaining backup...
 
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avinash is offline avinash Post #8  June 16,2009, 7:40pm
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Raw_Truth wrote :
Make no mistake - there is no such thing as true friends from a man's perspective ex or otherwise - he is consciously/subconsciously maintaining backup...
totally agree with this, I say run and don't look back
 
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EN_Ken is offline EN_Ken Post #9  June 16,2009, 10:24pm
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I agree with what others have said on the issue that it is not entirely appropriate for your boyfriend to be taking out another woman, let alone his ex-gf, like this. However, with that said, I can understand his desire to follow-through on a previously made engagement.

What I cannot understand is why is not taking into account that, because circumstances have changed, his priorities should change as well. I agree that his priority should be you and that you should voice this to him. Simply breaking up with him over the issue is not the way to go in my mind because a willingness to break up with someone over every single issue is a recipe for being alone, in my opinion. This is something that he needs to change and if he doesn't, that's when you need to consider whether or not you'd be willing to stay with him despite this issue.
 
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misswright is offline misswright Post #10  December 9,2009, 10:19pm

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I have to say not to be jealous. I tell him in a loving way i understand that you promise her that she be your date at this event . yes you can feel the way you do it the[ three word] he said i love you , that was to asure you that he thier. you been acompanying him out on these event so you reall want to handle this with care, now the test is do he trust his self enough to deal with this with respect to him self an to you .let's not flip the script an say you do not trust him!. [cause trust is the issuse ] but i would tell him my point of view about that you are not comfortable to it an that you have strong concerns about they why he is alway talking about his ex....***** now for you listen very close too what he say !!! some men are not good at expressing thing of this nature..so if it not right just tell him that it best that you move on .
 
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