Is talking to his family about every problem an issue?


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Peaches80 is offline Peaches80 Post #1  June 5,2009, 10:05am
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Hi all,
I am engaged to be married this September to a wonderful man. He is a wonderful guy, but I have one concern that I think may be an issue in our marriage, and I am looking for some advice.
My fiancee is very close to his family, which is wonderful in almost every aspect. However, with any situation or problem that we have, he discusses it with his family. I guess the typical term would be he's a "mama's boy."
Please keep in mind that my fiancee and I get along great and rarely have any problems, but the ones we have had have all gotten back to his family. Now, I understand trying to get advice from loved ones and discussing some things over with family, but I think that some discussions of ours should be between us. His family has heard about all our disagreements becuase he has decided to get advice from them. I just feel that our personal situations should feel discussed and sorted out together (which we do), but why does the family always have to be informed?
For example, my fiance and I had a disagreement on a church situation for our wedding. We didn't fight or anything, we just discussed our concerns about what we thought. The next thing I know, his mom was informed about it, and she got upset about it and also with me. Other things that have been told to his family were about me possibly being depressed and basically any other problem we have had in our relationship.
Am I being too sensitive? If not, how do I bring this up with him without making it seem that he cannot talk to his family?

Thanks a bunch!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  June 5,2009, 11:57am
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You are not being oversensitive. What you have here is a situation where he is so close to his family that there are no personal boundaries whatsoever. In short, you are marrying him and his family.

As for how to deal with it? Well, you can try and slowly and quietly educate him about the importance of boundaries and that some things simply need to stay between the two of you. He needs to apply some personal judgement in that regard because if he does not, eventually it will cause some major tensions between you and his family.

If I were you, I'd address little things and examples of what he should not share slowly and over time and when I'm not angry, emotional or upset about it. In a way make it conversational. You want him to be open and to hear you and think about it without being put on the spot and getting defensive about it. What you want to achieve is that next time he starts to talk about something that should be private to his mother, he remembers those conversations and maybe thinks better of it and moves on to another topic. If you do get confrontational or give him ultimatums, he'll just turn even more to his family. Good luck to you.
 
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cath817 is offline cath817 Post #3  June 5,2009, 11:58am
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I would see this as an issue, personally. Most families are going to take the side of the family member and while you and your boyfriend may work through the disagreement quickly, they will just hear his side of it and they'll remember it. That's what they'll focus on because they won't know about all the good things that have gone on between you...just the arguments that he's gone running to his mommy about. In all honesty, I don't think he's being fair to you to do this.

Before they were married, my son-in-law used to call me every time he and my daughter had an argument. I told him it wasn't my business...that any disagreement they had was between them. I said the only time I figured it would be my business is if he raised a hand to her and then he'd better be looking over his shoulder 24/7. I finally had to tell my daughter to tell him to stop because he kept doing it and it got to the point where I was annoyed with him most of the time...and wondered if she should marry him.

You need to sit down and discuss the issue with your boyfriend. Relationships are often difficult enough to maintain without having other people and their opinions put in the middle.
Last edited by cath817; June 5,2009 at 1:11pm. Reason: spell check after the fact
 
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scarlet13 is offline scarlet13 Post #4  June 5,2009, 12:04pm

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This is a huge red flag- every time you have a problem he's going to get his family to gang up on you? unless you are really strong willed you will eventually have no say in this marriage.

postpone the wedding. get counseling, and try to work things out. you and your husband need to be a team, especially when it comes to having children.
 
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Peaches80 is offline Peaches80 Post #5  June 5,2009, 12:10pm
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His purpose isn't to get them to gang up on me, if that were true, that would be a huge issue. His intentions are basically to get his parents advice to help him come to a better decision.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #6  June 5,2009, 12:18pm
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Peaches80 wrote :
His purpose isn't to get them to gang up on me, if that were true, that would be a huge issue. His intentions are basically to get his parents advice to help him come to a better decision.
His intentions are to validate his position.

If he's going to be running to mommy every time you two have a disagreement, your marriage is doomed before it even starts.

Someone (maybe you too) need to learn to compromise and negotiate early on because, believe me, there's going to be a whole host of other issues that are much bigger to worry about later on down the road.

My $.02 but I was only married for 24 years.
 
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brownize916 is offline brownize916 Post #7  June 5,2009, 1:15pm
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This will only be an issue if you allow it to be. Make it out to be a big thing, make him feel like he's done something bad and this will be a wedge in your relationship. Instead, communicate, compromise and work together.

I was married to a man for 15 years who was also very close to his family. He discussed everything with them. We decided together that both of us had to change and meet in the middle on this. He agreed on certain topics that would remain only between us. For me, I had to change how I viewed what he was doing. Instead of being threatened or thinking he was violating something between us I had to see what he was doing for what it really was. No it wasn't running to mommy and daddy for everything nor was it to gang up on me to show me how wrong I was. He valued his parents guidance and support and was looking for advice. Eventually, I started going to them on my own and talking things through. Sometimes we went to them together. I eventually valued the relationship he had with them and the relationship I built with them as well. To this day (even though we are now divorced) I still go to them for advice. As does he. This example has also been great for my children. They both come to us for advice and support. I will provide that as long as my children need it. Even if they are asking when they are 40.
 
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Jato87 is offline Jato87 Post #8  June 5,2009, 2:37pm
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I agree with scarlett that this should be a huge red flag, and a major problem to be resolved BEFORE you get married; not worked on afterward. You and he both need to declare your independence, as a part of getting married. Here's what could likely happen to your marriage:

1. While going to his parents for advice is sometimes laudable, he needs to grow up and learn the proper boundaries for the KINDS of advice he seeks from them. It's NEVER in issues between him and his wife, which will certainly cause you to resent your mother in law.

2. His parents will always know far more about you and your marriage than they (or anyone else) should. The TV show "Everyone Loves Raymond" comes to mind. You deserve absolute privacy in marriage unless YOU want to share.

3. He and his parents cannot help being influenced by their own past, culture, and world view. This inhibits your freedom to become who you and your husband want to be and how you view the world. Or do you plan to become clones of his parents?
(Just as an extreme example, what if you decided to move to Africa, maybe teach in India, adopt a Chinese child, or change religions, or perhaps abandon religion. You think his parents would allow you such independence?

4. All this is why the Bible says something about a man leaving his parents and cleaving to his wife. There's a lot of wisdom in that.
 
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Rand_011 is offline Rand_011 Post #9  June 5,2009, 2:54pm
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brownize916 wrote :
This will only be an issue if you allow it to be. Make it out to be a big thing, make him feel like he's done something bad and this will be a wedge in your relationship. Instead, communicate, compromise and work together.

I was married to a man for 15 years who was also very close to his family. He discussed everything with them. We decided together that both of us had to change and meet in the middle on this. He agreed on certain topics that would remain only between us. For me, I had to change how I viewed what he was doing. Instead of being threatened or thinking he was violating something between us I had to see what he was doing for what it really was. No it wasn't running to mommy and daddy for everything nor was it to gang up on me to show me how wrong I was. He valued his parents guidance and support and was looking for advice. Eventually, I started going to them on my own and talking things through. Sometimes we went to them together. I eventually valued the relationship he had with them and the relationship I built with them as well. To this day (even though we are now divorced) I still go to them for advice. As does he. This example has also been great for my children. They both come to us for advice and support. I will provide that as long as my children need it. Even if they are asking when they are 40.
I am glad to see I am not the only person who views it this way ... Parents and/or mentors, especially if they are still happily married, can be a gold mine of information on how to deal with issues that are bound to arise ... They have been there and have succeeded ...

Furthermore ... All things being equal, I'd prefer that things like that stay within the family, than having my SO ask her closest friend about it ...
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #10  June 5,2009, 3:01pm

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Lets see if we can define the issue it's self? Once you understand it the definition should be easier to get him to understand that he is undermining you in the eyes of his family! The issue is called Mutual Respect which include the right of privacy. He is not respecting your right to privacy nor is he allowing the two of you to decide your own destiny. What he doesn't understand is private issues that should be decided by the two of you, now include other members of his family and they think that the two of you are morons for not being able manage your own affairs nor can you maintain a level of privacy.
His parents kept him dependent by involving themselves in his business, but he has never tried to stand on his own to feet and become a man, who makes his own decisions. Does he discuss your sex life with them as well? Does he also tell them what you have to say about them. You now become the enemy to his family.

The more that I think of you and Blabbermouth the more pressing the problem becomes. In order for your marriage to work you and Blabbermouth must establish his independence and there must also be mutual respect. I believe that you have to take a stand on the respect issue and possibly meet with your Minister or a therapist and enlist there help to allow your relationship to grow or tell him that you can't marry someone that disrespects you. Report on if you can get through to him or you have to force him to make a choice on the issue,

Harvey7
 
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