n8nc4 is offline n8nc4 Post #1  June 4,2009, 10:34am
n8nc4's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 4

See profile

believing he (the ex) was the one for me, the one i was going to spend the rest of my life and dreams with, only to have him tell me that he loves me but that its not going to work out. and yes this included with him cheating on me on at least once.

For the last 1 1/2 month, ive been trying to pick up the pieces again. I started talking to an old flame...the ex found out and lost it. He yelled at me stating I dont know what i just did to him and that if i wanted to be with that old flame, i should have let the ex know. and yes, the ex and i aren't together so why the heck does he care who i see when he is moving on with his life with other females. why does this affect me so much? and yes, i have that .5% that maybe he will come back to my life.....however he's made it very clear, even after the talk about the old flame that he doesn't want me back.

I can't/wont cut all ties with him because of two lilo girls that i helped raised since they were babies. i love them and miss them lots. but is that because i still want him a part of my life? i don't know, i do know there have been times where i find me missing the girls and not giving a damn about him. i see it everyday in my job where kids are neglected by their parents.....i dont want the girls to think that i didn't love them anymore so thats why i left and stayed away. i dont know, they're still young.

the ex told me that if i choose to still have any communications with the old flame, the ex doesn't want me to ever talk to him again......so that means i would never see the girls again...it breaks my hurt....but it angers me because i am allowing this guy to control me when he doesnt want to be with me and im just supposed to be okay with him seeing other people!
 
  Reply With Quote
Dafearon is offline Dafearon Post #2  June 4,2009, 2:12pm
Dafearon's Avatar

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Maryland

Posts: 2,181

See profile

Am i correct in assuming that these children are NOT your biological children?

You are right that he has NO right to decide who you can and cannot speak to much less date if you two are broken up. However, the fact that he is using his own children to get you to do what he wants you do to, is manipulative. It kind of sounds like he has moved on, but does not want you to. The problem here, is that he has every right to keep you away from his children as they are not yours. They may love you. You maybe an integral part of their lives, but they are and never will be your children. What your ex says, goes. If you let him abuse you because of these children, then you will never move on and he will just keep you on the side as a plaything.

One of the things you may have to accept is that by him breaking up with you. All that is his, goes with him, including his children. I know it hurts because I felt like I lost two daughters in a similar fashion, but it is something you have to accept and move on. Unfortunately, it may never go away because for me, its been almost 5 years now, and I still miss those two girls. Surprisingly, they both still ask about me, but i have not been around because of the situation.
 
  Reply With Quote
Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #3  June 4,2009, 2:49pm

Veteran

Joined: Mar 2009

East Coast

Posts: 1,079

See profile

The point of your post is ? The post is very incomplete, but I somewhat understand, if you want to play in his ball park you play by his rules or don't play? If you were going to spend the rest of your living days with him and the children, why didn't you two get married? Who told him about talking to your old flame?
I get the feeling that your leaving out larger parts of the story.

If everything was so lovey dovey and forever after,
what caused the train wreck? (or what? )
None of your story makes sense and if it does not make sense, it's made up of bits of truth to fit of the post. You must have done something to break up the relationship?

You can hire a lawyer to seek joint custody or visitation. But his anger and dislike for you runs a lot deeper then just a phone call to an old flame. So tell us the real story?

Harvey7
Last edited by Harvey7; June 4,2009 at 2:53pm.
 
  Reply With Quote
angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #4  June 4,2009, 5:50pm
angelofmerci's Avatar

loves the feel of the wind blowing in his face while riding the curves

Veteran

Joined: Jul 2008

Posts: 1,302

See profile

It sounds to me that this guy must have taken a college course called Jerk101. He can not tell you who you can see unless you give him the power. He is a user and abuser. It is time to wipe this sorry excuse for a man, more like a boy from your life.

I am sorry about you losing your relationship with the girls but since they are his children you really have no choice. He is using the girls to emotionally blackmail you. He definitely is lacking a backbone but has a huge ego. You are going to have to try to put the girls behind you. If lucky maybe someday they will contact you then you can explain what kind of stuff their father pulled. Good Luck
 
  Reply With Quote
singinggirl is offline singinggirl Post #5  June 4,2009, 6:27pm
singinggirl's Avatar

Jumping back in the pool.

Veteran

Joined: Jan 2008

Tennessee

Posts: 1,875

See profile

I'm so sorry for this terrible situation you're in. Remember, though, that he can only control you if you allow him to.

Because the children are his, he will have the final say in who is allowed to see them and who is not. Try to take peace in the fact that, while you were able, you (hopefully) brought some peace, love, and stability to their lives. My bf raised a step-son from the time he was 2 until he was 12. When my bf & the boy's mother divorced, my bf got visitation & saw the boy regularly until the mother remarried & it was causing problems with the new husband. While my bf stepped out of the picture for the sake of the child, he is hopeful that someday they will be able to renew their relationship.

Good luck!
 
  Reply With Quote
n8nc4 is offline n8nc4 Post #6  June 5,2009, 2:33am
n8nc4's Avatar

Newbie

Joined: Jun 2009

Posts: 4

See profile

i love the girls so much and yes everyone tells me the same thing which is their not mine and will never be mine. it hurts because i loved them like my own...they even called me mom. and as this thing with the ex continues, the more i'm starting to realize what everyone including these post are telling me...i have to let go even though its going to break my heart. i guess two of my biggest fears is.....them not remembering me when they get older and them not understanding what happened and thinking i abandoned them. and yes you're right, maybe in the future i will be able to explain myself. thank you all for responding.................
 
  Reply With Quote
SoOverIt is offline SoOverIt Post #7  June 6,2009, 5:10am
SoOverIt's Avatar

Quick Study

Joined: Jan 2009

Posts: 157

See profile

Well you are right, it's a control game. Has been ever since he cheated on you. I have no idea what "lilo girls" are. Are they your biological children? If so then whether or not he wants to see you is irrelevant. You have a legal right to access and he has to grant it. If they are not, as heartbreaking as it might be, you may have to let them go, or be controlled for the rest of your life.

BTW how did he find out you contacted some guy? Did you tell him? Why? The trouble with control based relationships is that if you are the one being controlled it takes a very long time to regain your sense of self again. I would make therapy for you a priority so you can get back to being independant and healthy again. Then this guy will have no power over you at all.
 
  Reply With Quote
Reply


« How to fall "in love" with the same person again | Relationships | What's the craziest thing you've ever done... »
Topic Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new topics
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts
BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

Similar Topics
Topic Topic Starter Board Replies Last Post
pro life issues......my passion!!! divadoc anything goes! smart chat.... 16 May 20,2011 1:31am
Red flags or issues? Your thougths please ngawildflower "Red Flag" Central 15 November 12,2010 9:51am
Why issues cause Libs and Cons to react so strongly against each other? outlaw1 Politics 84 February 18,2010 6:37pm
Single mom with Daddy issues bound2be 20ish and proud to be... 4 July 3,2009 2:46pm
Medical Issues debwings Ask a Dating Expert 12 June 7,2009 10:02pm

Looking for a Great Relationship?

Get started now. Fill out this form and take the questionnaire to receive your matches.

First Name:

I'm a:
seeking

Postal Code:

Country:

Email:

Confirm Email:

Password:


How did you hear about us?


Latest on our Dating Advice Discussion Boards

“Absolutely not. I have no idea why allowing gays to marry would affect anyone's lives, unless they're sexually insecure about themselves.” –  sun73

Join the “Did our President give up the election for a single issue?” discussion

“I learned that the woman's communication style has to fit mine or else it won't work.” –  sun73

Join the “Why do 40 yr olds still play games?” discussion

“Here's where to email if you think a match might be a fraud: matchconcerns@eharmony.com . Tell them the match's name and location so they can find them. If what's making you suspicious is an email ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Match from another country...is he a "fraud"?” discussion

“I know you clarified you just want a general opinion on when people bring this subject up, but I'm going to give you both that and also what I believe you should do. The general idea most of the ... ” –  Herkemer

Join the “When is it time to discuss your position on having kids?” discussion

“And that's a very valid point. I get the feeling that eHarmony is keeping their price high to show they they are not cheap and therefore, their members are serious.It seems to me that combining the ... ” –  MicMan

Join the “Free Communication Weekend” discussion

“How long have you all been on EH? Thanks for the advice. I signed on in late April 2012 but have been on other dating sites in the past.” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “New Here” discussion

“The only one that bothers me is the "they weren't his kids so meh ..." But there could be a whole world of story behind that. Like "she dumped me and it was painful and I hated losing the kids in ... ” –  Simplicity-2012

Join the “Yellow flags...To Proceed or not to proceed, that is the question?” discussion



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:54am.

Discussion Boards Archive

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2012, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Friendly URLs by vBSEO 3.6.0