Is there a point when you know that you are really ready??


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allowishiss is offline allowishiss Post #1  June 3,2009, 10:08pm
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Or maybe the question should be, is there really a point when it is too soon after a divorce to enter into a new relationship with someone?

I am 8 months out of a 10 year marriage, yes.. A complete newbie to this thing called dating. I had not planned on meeting anyone new for quite some time.. However, it seems that sometimes these things just cannot be helped.

I am very hesitant to enter into a relationship with this new guy. He's great, and I really think we could be good together, but I can't tell if my hesitation is because of the short distance from point A to point B.. Or, because this new relationship is not meant to be.. Maybe I am over thinking here??

I am curious as to how long one should wait before they know they are not just jumping into the rebound game..

Someone, please send me a sign!
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #2  June 4,2009, 4:28am
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There are no rules to this. It's all completely individual and depends on how you personally feel about things. For some people, they can start dating the day after the judge signed the divorce decree for others it takes years.

If you feel ready to date, then go have fun and date. One important thing is don't look at the man you are dating as "the one". You have no idea and you won't know for a long time. All you can do in the meantime is have fun with him, get to know and see how you feel and think as things progress. In short - allow yourself to have a little fun.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #3  June 4,2009, 5:29am
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Rebound shmebound. If you feel like you're ready to date someone then for gosh sakes go do it. Most times, even though one's only been divorced for a year or less the marriage has been over for quite some time anyway.

Besides, even if it is a rebound, so what. I argue that a rebound is the best cure to help one move on. It just may not be so good for the other person.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #4  June 4,2009, 6:39am

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I would have to say that you are over thinking things. There is a little voice in your head listen to it. In other words trust yourself and your judgment there really is no reason not to trust that little voice in your head!

The basic rule is if you feel comfortable with someone or something go with it and if you don't feel comfortable with it, take a rain check or just say no thanks.

Last point your ready for some TLC and a bit of male companionship. It is important to remember that they still make erasers for pencils so, it's O.K. to makes mistakes!

Harvey7
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #5  June 4,2009, 8:59am
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If nothing happened bad leading up to your divorce such as abuse or long standing betrayal then most likely you would be able to start dating once more. If you have a lot of pent up resentment then I would take time to get past it or it could haunt or sabotage any relationship you try to enter into. Good Luck
 
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brownize916 is offline brownize916 Post #6  June 4,2009, 10:35am
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Well only you can answer the question completely because you know how you feel. Personally I did not date during the first year after my divorce. My divorce was very amicable, no abuse or infidelity however it was probably still one of the most traumatic things I've ever had to go through. I needed to feel like I could give as much to a relationship as I took. That never would have happened in that first year and that is not fair to potential dates. Not only that but I felt that my kids needed me more during that first year and that needed to be my priority.

That being said I realize that everyone has their own experiences. However I would say ask yourself the following (sent to me by a friend when I was asking the same question you are):

1. Have you accepted that you played a role in the breakup of your marriage?
2. Have you stopped beating yourself up because of #1?
3. Do you recognize your mistakes and have you made the commitment not to repeat them?
4. Are you wanting to get in a relationship because you are ready and not because you feel you have something to prove?
5. If children are involved, are you able to attend an event where your ex will be there and you have no anger about having to be in the same place with him?

Answering these questions helped my mindset a lot and helped me recognize when I still had some residual baggage I needed to dump off. Dating again post divorce is always scary at first but if you really put the effort into making sure its the right time, then you'll have a much better experience. I wish you luck.
 
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cadw319 is offline cadw319 Post #7  June 11,2009, 9:52am
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It is my opinion; that only the individual can determine when they are ready to start dating again; it may depend on the goal; are you dating for fun or to build a relationship; if you are not ready to date find a new interest and get involved in the new interest. In time you will know what is right for you.
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #8  June 11,2009, 11:55am
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If you are thinking it over and feel hesitant, you are probably not really ready, IMHO. You know that he's someone you might like to have in the future- you are just not really ready.
 
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Chris_Angel is offline Chris_Angel Post #9  June 11,2009, 7:00pm
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I started dating very soon after I separated. After years of being starved for love and affection, my self-esteem was very low and in need of healing. I absolutely needed this. I know many men is this boat.

The re-bound is necessary. The plummeting of our self-esteem by a neglectful partner, causes us to sink no matter what our efforts are. And it's hard to get out of that sinking pattern, since we are so deeply blinded by the mad-efforts we make to turn things around. Hence, sometimes we need a potent action to turn things around for our battered-spirits. Enter the rebound.

I remember my first 'relationship' of note, just a few months after my separation. I remember thinking: wow, this woman actually finds me attractive and actually wants to be with me? It seemed almost foreign to me. I know it sounds odd, but it was just the kick-start I needed to drastically turn things around for myself. Though things didnt work out with her, I still think of my time with her very fondly.

I believe that the most basic need every human-being has is to love and be loved. So when you havent had it for so long (divorce or no divorce), how could anyone resist?

Also, I distinctly remember my divorce-lawyer telling me that most of her male-clients started dating very quickly, while most of her female-clients waited for at least a year, before dating. So I think this is a typical pattern, between the sexes.
 
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jtkdp is offline jtkdp Post #10  June 12,2009, 8:31pm
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To the OP, you might be over thinking it a bit. If you have someone in your life this soon, take it as a sign. Date him because you want to move on and be happy in your life, and don't pay any attention to what others might think, or think you should do.

Don't do it for revenge, to beat your ex to the punch, or because you can't stand to be alone.

I personally was ready as soon as the ink was dry on my decree...had my first date 3 months later, and met the woman I would have my first post-divorce relationship with, 7 months after that. Getting back out there is good for the spirit, and a good way to increase your knowledge of relationships.
 
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