Thinking about divorce.....


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Blossomed76 is offline Blossomed76 Post #1  May 29,2009, 9:15am
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Hello,

I am a 32 year old stay at home mom of two little boys ages 1 & 2. Truth is that my husband is a wonderful person just as I am, but we have just been going down hill for about 1.5 years now. I have seen the ugly side of him as he has seen mine. I know that having babies puts a strain on a relationship, but I think that I just may not be in love with him anymore. We are happy as a family because we both love our boys dearly and seeing them happy makes us happy, but as a couple..there is nothing there. We both have remained in the relationship because we are afraid of what it will do to the children. I am afraid of that and not sure how to recognize if this is just a normal phase in a marriage or if it is grounds to call the quits. One of the biggest issues is that I do not want to have intercourse with him. I am not cheating nor am I thinking about anyone else. I am just not attracted to him sexually anymore. I know that the fighting has contributed to some of that, but not sure that is the only reason.

I'm not sure what to do and would love to hear from some of you who maybe have been in my shoes. I would love to hear from people who have gone through a divorce and their relationship was similar to mine. I obviously know that there are obvious reasons in some relationships that are grounds for divorce. This is not the case here because we are both good people here just not happy with each other now.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #2  May 29,2009, 12:21pm
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Staying in a marriage because of the kids is not a reason to stay in a marriage. But the best advice you're going to get here is get some marriage counseling before making a huge decision like that.
 
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hamm_ is offline hamm_ Post #3  May 29,2009, 12:39pm
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Keeping the marriage because of the kids is actually more harmful to them - any psychologist can tell you that.

But I'd ask you to look deep inside and make sure whatever you both are being through now is nothing temporary, and that could be fixed if you both have the willingness.

Most couples only realize what they missed when it's too late.
 
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HamletSword is offline HamletSword Post #4  May 29,2009, 2:49pm
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The fact that you call your husband a wonderful person leads me to believe you are not ready for divorce.

The fact that you say there is nothing there tells me you have passed the stage of love that is often described as walking on air, but that does not mean you no longer love him. The fact that you are asking questions here rather than consulting a divorce lawyer seems to tell me there must be something there, even if it is hidden under a layer or two of anger and resentment.

Lack of sexual desire is a problem, but sex is not really about love. If Playboy's Miss January walks into my bedroom tonight, my smaller head is not going to ask if I'm in love before he responds. Are you really sexually attracted to anyone, or are you now just intellectually able to recognize someone as attractive. The second of those two answers indicates that you may be suffering from depression, which is very very common after giving birth and again after meeting the needs of very young children who don't bother to ask what time it is before making their very determined demands.

I'm sorry you have seen your husband's ugly side, but you were likely to see it sometime. I hope it was not too ugly, and I hope you never have to see it again.

I hope you seek help from a shrink, a doctor, a psychologist, or a clinical social worker before you take any kind of action that you may later wish to take back. The fact that you are a stay-at-home mom with two small kids mean you are actually considering a very major change with great consequences. You would have to go back to work. The kids would need daycare that might cost a very big percentage of your earnings; and the demands on you could push you into depression or deeper into depression.

Recent trends in the mental health community are not as certain as they once were concerning the lack of benefits kids enjoy when parents remain together for the benefit of the children. Most mental health professionals are not so quick or positive about saying staying together for the kids is a bad idea, but I tend to still believe one happy parent trumps two unhappy parents. Would you really be any happier alone? All I am saying in this paragraph is that it would not be wise to divorce simply because of what has become the common wisdom in the past few decades -- the wisdom of that common wisdom is now the subject of real debate.

I wish there was a good and easy answer I could offer to your question. There is not. All I can really say is proceed with caution, and while you are exercising that caution, also try a little kindness and patience even when those are not the first things you might feel compelled to exercise. Please seek help to help you sort out whether or not you may suffer from depression. The mild form of depression is called dysthemia, and a web search on that term might help you find information more applicable than simply searching for depression. I hope whatever you end up doing, it leads you and the children, as well as your husband, to happiness.
 
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peg099 is offline peg099 Post #5  May 29,2009, 3:46pm
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Every marriage has periods of ebb and flow, and often people are a bit too quick to leave when things aren't coming up roses. I commend you for taking your time in making this decision.

Having young kids can be a huge strain on a relationship, partly because so much energy goes to taking cre of your kids that you don't have much time or energy to do the things that nurture your feelings for each other. For many women, sexual desire is linked to feeling emotionally connected and safe, so if the two of you aren't finding time to connect as the two people who fell in love, your lack of desire could be the result of that. Fatigue probably plays into it as well, and yes, it is possible that you have some degree of post partum depression too.

I would echo the suggestion to speak with a marriage counselor, as well as a doctor to see if post partum depression can be ruled out. I would also encourage you to try to find ways of reconnecting with your husband to see if that spark can be re-ignited.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #6  May 29,2009, 5:09pm

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I think that most people that have been married with kids have been there before and learned to survive, but more then surviving is learning How to prosper as a family. Thus it would be wise to find a therapist that specializes in teaching the "Art of Parenting".

What was your relationship with your husband like before you got pregnant? What is your relationship like with him now? Do you have full or part time help? Do you do anything else beside cooking, cleaning, taking care of the baby's and of cause feeding and them and changing diapers? I would not feel sexy either after a full day and night of what it takes to be a mom. What does your husband do to help you out when he gets home from work?

(1) You are suffering from Postpartum Depression and a therapist can help you to get past it and many other women also suffer from it as well. (2) You and your husband need a vacation together, but who is responsible enough to watch your kids when you go on vacation?
(3) Did you ever consider hiring a Nanny or a Part Time Mothers Helper? You can hire a High School student to come in after school and help you until the kids go to bed. She is not a maid or a house keeper, she is there to help you with the kids and to free you up so you have some time for yourself. Ditto for a college girl except you will get 3 years out of a high school-er and if your lucky and also very nice to her, she may have a younger sister who will be your future mothers helper. We had a girl who was the 2nd. of five sisters and yes, other people try to steal them away from you. There is a whole dimension of parenting that you have not been exposed to yet. Your social life will change when you and your husband becomes friends with the other parents that are classmates to you kids.

Bottom line is that you and the hubby are normal, but the both of you as individual people need time off to re-energize yourselves and your still Green Horns as parenting goes.

Harvey7
Last edited by Harvey7; May 29,2009 at 5:19pm.
 
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wishamee is offline wishamee Post #7  May 29,2009, 6:32pm
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Blossomed, I too would like to express my feeling that you are just in a bit of a low spot and can probably find some ways to refresh and renew yourself and your life with your husband. I was a stay at home mother too. There are times when the minutes drag while the years fly. Please look into the possibility that for family doctor or gyn can help you or recommend some avenues to pursue. It sounds like you still have a good foundation in your marriage and may just need a little more help in some other area. Don't wait and don't be afraid to ask for help from professionals. That's what we pay them for. (and they are way cheaper than letting a marriage be blamed.)
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #8  May 29,2009, 10:00pm
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Blossomed76

As a child I grew up with both of my parents present until after I went off to war. Somewhere around when I was 9-10 years old my father started working on Saturday and later in the evenings on weekdays. Since we only had one car until I was almost 13 that meant I could not attend some of the extracirricular activities like baseball that I loved. It also meant since my father was always tired when he got home we were not able to engage in football or a game of catch.

Right up to the time I went off to war I overheard all the shouting that went on between my parents. I tried to block it out or would find some excuse to go outside to get away from the yelling. Listening to all the yelling did two things. First it gave me the impression that all couples yelled at one another which I carried on to my first marriage and secondly it taught me that if I did not want to experience all the yelling to just keep it all bottled inside which can be really dangerous if all the pent up rage comes bursting out.

Based on this experience I would advice you for your children's sake to get a divorce if that is really what you want. As a nurse I tend to agree with some of the other posters that you may be experiencing either post partum depression or just regular depression. A visit to your family doctor for an evaluation to see if you are depressed is in order. If you are depressed he will give you a referral to a therapist. Good Luck
 
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IcecreamMoon is offline IcecreamMoon Post #9  May 30,2009, 6:14am
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peg099 wrote :
Every marriage has periods of ebb and flow, and often people are a bit too quick to leave when things aren't coming up roses. I commend you for taking your time in making this decision.

Having young kids can be a huge strain on a relationship, partly because so much energy goes to taking cre of your kids that you don't have much time or energy to do the things that nurture your feelings for each other. For many women, sexual desire is linked to feeling emotionally connected and safe, so if the two of you aren't finding time to connect as the two people who fell in love, your lack of desire could be the result of that. Fatigue probably plays into it as well, and yes, it is possible that you have some degree of post partum depression too.

I would echo the suggestion to speak with a marriage counselor, as well as a doctor to see if post partum depression can be ruled out. I would also encourage you to try to find ways of reconnecting with your husband to see if that spark can be re-ignited.
+1
My background is in psychology (different branch though) and this is the advice I was going to offer.

The only other thing I'll add is that your body has gone through a lot of hormonal changes over the last 3 years (being pregnant and/or nursing 2 children). It could be a contributing factor to your lack of sexual desire. I would recommend having a full blood analysis done and definitely see a marriage counselor, the sooner the better. From what I've read in your post, there is a good chance of saving your relationship. Good luck!
 
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sc4me is offline sc4me Post #10  May 30,2009, 1:05pm
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Rent the movie, "Fireproof."

If you don't see yourself and/or your husband in the first 10 minutes turn it off.

That's the best advice I can give except that divorce is a big step and it should be the absolute last resort if all else fails.
 
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