How to fix a broken marriage while I still can?


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sadandconfused is offline sadandconfused Post #1  May 28,2009, 5:32pm
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My wife (23 yo) and I (25 yo) have been going through a break up since new years day 2009. She has told me that she isn't in love with me anymore and she just doesn't feel that way about me and doesn't know if she can ever get those feelings back. We are still living together but during this period, she has left to live with her mum but it only lasts for a couple days and then she comes back to me. Emotionally, I am still the only person in this relationship. I love her more than anything. She says she loves me but I know its not the same kind of I love you that I wish it was. She still loves to cuddle on the couch and in bed but thats as far as it goes romance wise. I don't care about not having sex right now...I want to start with the basics so she loves me again and we'll work from there.

I don't understand why she keeps coming back to me when nothing gets better when she does. She wants to literally just sit back and "see what happens"... "Lets just see what happens" is what I hear when I ask her if she wants to stay or leave me. She doesn't want to put in any effort to make it better so that leaves it up to me doesn't it? There's obviously a reason she's still here with me and I need to do something to lift her off her feet and give her butterflies in her stomach again. Can we as a group come up with a list of things that I can do to try and put that spark back into our relationship? She is really worth it to me and I will do anything I can to make it better. I am a nice guy and I'm polite and all of that. I work during the day and come home to make dinner and wash up. She hasn't worked since January I want to make her happy in all ways so she can gain the confidence to go back to work and make some friends.

I'm thinking about changing my look also. I'd have to say that even I'm not happy with my current look. I don't look/dress the same as I did when we first met. I know I don't look the way that I think she's attacted to. She's always wanted me to grow my hair out but it's so thick that I have never done it. Maybe I should give this a try and see what happens? A new wardobe and hairstyle can make miracles I think....or hope atleast. Nothing else is working so can anyone back me up that trying to change my look might help? We are still young and I think I can pull off a new cool look that she would like. I work in an office now and have gotten all grown up on her. Should I try taking it back a few years for the hell of it? I think she might be tired of looking at the same old me and if I change then she might be attacted to and want to learn more about the new me. I have been wondering about how to start a relationship over again and maybe this is one way to do it. A lot of people don't think that changing for someone else is a good thing...they should like you for the way you are already. Sure that's probably true a bit but just like sex, you have to do something different to make things exciting again or things get boring. I used to have a lip piercing that she LOVED! I had to get rid of it before though. I want it back so I just might do that along with my new look. What could be the worst that happens? She loves me and lives with me but isn't in love with me. Maybe she's just bored with me??? Someone please back me up or help me out with a list of ideas! Thank you!
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #2  May 28,2009, 11:25pm

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Separate yourself from the problem. There is nothing that you can do to change the situation and that includes changing the way you look, walk, talk, dress, sleep, eat or make love.

It has nothing to do with you it's all about her! Stop treating her like a fragile China Doll. I think that she wants to escape your reality for her. You do not empower or inspire her to discover or to aspire to who she is and what she wants to do for herself. Why did she leave her job? Possible an office romance? She comes back because it her home and it's better then her Mom's place. You could try couples counseling but don't be surprised if it empowers her to strike out on her own. There is a missing part of the puzzle and that is what you wife has to say about it?

The Bird in the gilded cage, maybe it's time to open the cage door and let the bird fly and she will come home or find a new one to fluff her feathers in, but it's her choice.

It's also your choice to have the door locks changed and to pack up her things and drop them off at her Mothers. In other words giving her her freedom. You can deposit $400.00 to 600.00 a month in her checking account for spending money and don't call her, give her time and space to decide or think things over without your help.

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learningasigo is offline learningasigo Post #3  May 29,2009, 1:25am
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[COLOR=black]Well, Guy - this is probably gonna sound harsh but you need some tough love right now! Actually I feel for you bro and I hate to see it when this happens but... ...THIS PROBLEM IS ORIGINATING WITH YOU!!!
[COLOR=black][FONT=Times New Roman]
Last edited by learningasigo; June 1,2009 at 11:22am. Reason: typo's
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #4  May 29,2009, 7:55am
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Dude,

At your ages, if you're having marital problems at this early stage of your marriage then that relationship is doomed unless some sort of counseling works a miracle.

Sorry if that seems harsh but it's the plain facts.
 
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learningasigo is offline learningasigo Post #5  May 30,2009, 12:21am
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There's a book you can read bro - It's written by a guy named John Eldridge - It's titled: :"Wild at Heart"

Every man should read it!

Another book is called: "Love must be tough" - by Dr. James Dobson.

Buy and read them immediately! There's still a chance to pull this thing out of the fire! But there is NO TIME to waste!!!
 
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sadandconfused is offline sadandconfused Post #6  May 30,2009, 4:15pm
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learningasigo wrote :
Well, Guy - this is probably gonna sound harsh but you need some tough love right now! Actually I feel for you bro and I hate to see it when this happens but...

...THIS PROBLEM IS ORIGINATING WITH YOU!!!

Sure she deserves a swift kick in the pants - no getting around that. But by your responses it is clear what the problem is.

Problem is that you have made this woman your "Joy God"! Your whipped Dude... ....this is a severe case!

Instead of her being able to revolve around you - you are revolving around her! You’re not the leader - not really! But how can you really lead and be the man you were created to be when instead of being "God's Man" you have become "her boy".

The very fact that you are thinking of ways to change yourself so that she will want you (right when she is treating you like crap) - is the surest of all telltale signs that you have been deeply punked!

You’re not man enough to confront her spoiled arrogant attitude because there is so much at stake - all your happiness is dependent on her good graces - and now she is getting sick of having a boy for a husband and will be (or already has been) looking for a guy that won't kiss her a$$.

There is little hope in this situation unless you have a complete paradigm shift and very quickly "grow a set"!

Here's how it works... ...Instinctively a woman is drawn to a guy who is able to maintain his equilibrium in close proximity to her. A guy she can't conquer! There are two kinds of guys in the world that don't get punked by a woman they really love.

1. A guy who has a deep purpose in life that runs deeper than his attraction to all that is the miracle of a woman.

2. A narcissistic creep (the bad boy) who could never be more in love with a woman than with himself and entertainments.

A man that keeps on track with who he is and remains focused on his life purpose first and foremost - he will have the babe - he will enjoy her - in every way - but he will never worship her - she is a part of his life - the most important person - but not an idol or an obsession.

That kind of man is like the earth revolving around the sun, fixed upon and locked in stability with his stable orbit around his life's purpose. Women, when they sense that strength and stability will come into close proximity to that man and begin to focus on and orbit around (commit to) him!

Question: What happens if the earth disrupts its equilibrium and instead of allowing the moon to orbit around it - it begins to instead orbit around the moon?

Answer: Everything crashes!

"Bad boys" - though not a quality man - don't interrupt their revolving (around themselves) to worship and revolve around a woman. There is only room in their lives for one true love affair - the one they have with themselves. That's why "Bad Boys" made bad husbands. But the silly young girls don't comprehend that - they just know that they instinctively feel drawn to a guy that's not wishy-washy about who he is. And a self loving narcissist will never try to change who they are to accommodate a woman's whims - like you are doing!!!

It's not healthy that woman are drawn to the "Bad Boy" - but with a lack of real men around - Good men who are stable in their life orbit, many women ('specially young ones) have no emotional defense against what they instinctively and emotionally see as the "only game in town"!

Don't have a strong enough life purpose to pull your "orbit" back into alignment and away from revolving around "HER"?

Maybe you should take your wife off the throne of your life and start revolving around "The Son"! Get a vision of his beauty and the majesty of his kingdom and you will have a life altering course correction that will leave you praising God that this situation happened - because it re-aligned you with the purpose that you were created to walk in!

Time to stop being punked by your addiction to worshipping your wife bro... ...it's time to let God dignify you with the high calling he has for your life. Called not to emotionally cringe at your wife's feet - blinded by the pink haze and begging for emotional scraps - but to become a man after God's own Heart!

Sorry I had to tell you like that dude but - I honestly hope this helps!

How do I get myself out of this then? How do I just change everything immediately? I know you are right but I seem to be so weak to her wants/needs. Give me an idea of something I should say to her. I don't want to make her feel like I don't want her because I do but I don't want to be walked all over like I am now. Like I mentioned before, we are still living together and as soon as I make a change, she will leave again. I'm almost 100% positive that she's not seeing someone else or even looking for someone else. I think she has some issues with herself that she needs to get over first. So lets just back away from the "looking for someone else" idea because all signs are pointing to no right now.
So over these past 5 months I suppose she's been accustomed to me kissing her ass. How do I get out of this trend I've started without causing an earthquake? If she leaves and wants to come back, what do I say? I want her to come back but I want her to want me. I'm lost man, I tell you I think I've set myself up for failure and don't know how to get out of it now.
When we are together everything "seems" normal to me. Only thing that's really lacking right now is any intimacy. I don't want to lose her but something needs to change. She is very stubborn and I think I've been so nice lately that if I change the slightest then I'm a huge asshole and its all over. But you're right...I'm whipped. I want to get out of this because I am losing so bad. How can I make a change without being a dick or do I have to be one?

Sorry guys, I've dug myself so deep. She's still here but I just don't know why
 
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jcd1968 is offline jcd1968 Post #7  May 30,2009, 6:55pm
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sadandconfused wrote :
How do I get myself out of this then? How do I just change everything immediately?
Quite honestly, you don't. Things aren't going to just change immediately. You can't do it on your own. Sorry.

You love her and you want your marriage back the way it was. I separated from my ex about 3 years ago. In many ways I felt like you seem to: I wanted to do whatever I could to get my marriage back. Unfortunately, the harder I tried, the further she withdrew. After reading quite a bit on the topic, I discovered, and eventually realized, that is the usual response in such situations. Quite ironically, had I not tried anything, she would have used that as an excuse of ending out marriage as well. Personally, I think it's better to try and loose, than to not try and still loose. Ya know?

There are many books available that will help you cope with this situation - regardless of religious or non-religious persuasion. Let your friends and family give you advice and support - but be warned, if you want your marriage to work, be careful WHAT you tell them! Don't cause them to loose respect for her. If that isn't an option, then, by all means find a counselor, if you can afford one. It may not save your marriage, but it may save you. There is an adage, "you can't save a drowning person if you are drowning yourself".

Ask yourself some very poignant questions, such as:

1. Do you want your marriage to survive this crisis? You are saying "yes", and I am hearing "yes", but ask it any way and really think about it.

2. Do you want your marriage to be what it has been? Something has caused her to feel the way she does now. It may or may not be you. You really need to find that out. If she won't discuss it with you, then, dagnabit, you have to go it alone (regardless, it's part of the healing process). You will probably find things you would like to see different as well.

3. Is there anything, personally, on your own, you can do to save the marriage? I'm going to answer this one for you. No. Understand that. But, you know what, there is something you can learn that will make you a better person from this situation. Find it, you have the ability (use the force, Luke)

You should give her to space she needs, but she should also give you the respect you need. If you want to continue your marriage, let her know, and let her know you can't continue in the current situation - communicate this in a loving, compassionate manner. You need to know if she wants to save your marriage. She needs to communicate that to you. You deserve it. You both deserve respect and love. Only you can decide how much of the current situation you can tolerate. If she says yes, then the two of you need to be active in resolving the issues. Two people brought you here, and it will take two people to lead your marriage out.
 
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learningasigo is offline learningasigo Post #8  May 31,2009, 4:57pm
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Dude - read those two books I suggested -

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss__0_18?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=love+must+be+tough+by+james+dobson&sprefix=Love+must+be+tough

Amazon.com: Used and New: Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man's Soul

Hope these links work.

Just tell her that you realize that something is wrong in your relationship - that you are talking to some guy friends and they suggested you read a couple books. Tell her you realize that things between you two have not really been healthy and that you need some time to sort things out and find some answers.

That doesn't mean you are doing anything sudden or you are asking her to leave - AND YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT OFFERING TO LEAVE!!!

If she gets nosy - just tell her to give you the space you need right now! Tell her you need time to sort things out. Pull back a little emotionally but remain kind. And if she suddenly pulls towards you emotionally because you are being a little mysterious and aloof - don't fall for it - it's just a test to see if your new independance will cave in as soon as she starts being nicer. Fall for it and lose it all bro! Be a little mysterious, be a little unattainable. Be the flame and not the moth Bro!!!

I'm givin' ya pearls here son - take my advice and read the books.

The "love must be tough"one is good to read first - that'll help you with the most immediate first aid. The book by Eldridge will take you the rest of the way and help you discover yourself as the man that you have forgotten that you are - or maybe never even realized you could be!!!

Order them today!!! - pay to rush the shipping!

JUST DO IT!!!

Neil
Last edited by learningasigo; May 31,2009 at 5:05pm. Reason: Typo's
 
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timechaser is offline timechaser Post #9  May 31,2009, 9:54pm
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Love is a choice, not a feeling. Feelings are fickle - so don't let them guide your decisions. You are both very young, and need a mentoring couple who can help you each to find the ability to put the other before yourself. If you keep her needs, first, and she keeps your needs first, and your both keep God #1 - there is nothing you can't deal with. Pride and selfishness are the major traits in any betrayal or pain in marriage. Forget about changing yourself for her, or her for you. Change yourself for God - WWJD- sounds simplistic. Read the Power of a Praying Wife by Omar. I'm sure there's a book about the power of a praying husband. All things are possible! I'm living proof!
 
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sadandconfused is offline sadandconfused Post #10  June 1,2009, 12:30am
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Thanks. I am looking into that book now. Most of the ordering times are 2 weeks or so in Australia. That's a long time to wait for something I'm ready to read now. But I just ordered it. Hopefully it gets here quick! I've been reading some other books but I look stupid reading these when she is nearby. If her seeing me read something to help make us better is a bad thing then maybe it should be that way. The way its going now though, I feel she is sympathizing and is having trouble deciding what she wants to do. I suppose thats good for me but I hate how hard this is for her. She's so lovely and probably deserves better than me but I feel like I can rise up and take charge of things to make everything much better than before. I am a good person and I feel that we are very compatible. We still are getting along though its hard for me to appear happy. She knows whats on my mind all of the time and I think it will be a little while for her to come up with a decision. I don't care how long this takes but I'm asking her to be honest with herself. If she can honestly say that she wants to leave and go her own way, then she can do that...but she has told me today that she just doesnt know yet. I can't help but to be sweet and helpful to her but I am pulling back emotionally a bit for my own sake. I don't want to make things worse for myself. But I'll keep you updated. Hopefully this will all work out in the end!
 
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