I've never been so stuck.


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SarahJade is offline SarahJade Post #1  May 26,2009, 6:59pm
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I cried today, so hard I could hardly breathe, when it occurred to me that I am not, nor have I ever been, in love with him.

This is our story. Dan* and I met four years ago, hit it off, and quickly became the best friends either of us could ever remember having. Within one year, we started "messing around" because we idiotically perceived our friendship to be intellectual and elevated enough to handle it. I was obsessed with him mentally but not emotionally or sexually, but the sexuality proved too emotional for him. After two years, he began to show interest in a relationship. By this time we were newly living together (we both ended up going to the same college and needed roommates), and because he was my best friend, the smartest and most interesting/discerning/talented person I'd ever met, and I held him on a pedestal, it seemed like the best idea in the world to me. Two people never had such communication as we had, worked better together in a living situation, genuinely enjoyed one another's company and got things done together with our active thought processes. We were amazing together. It was only natural that we should be together and have the logical relationship that couples dreamed of.

The transition was awkward. We began to kiss; we never had before in our "friends with benefits" stage. But that, with the addition of healthy jealousy (natural to any relationship), was the only thing that changed. There was no tenderness, no affection, no words of love or acts of romance. We continued being best friends, but neither of us at first felt the necessity of being lovers. I was in denial, feeling that we were above romance. But as more time passed, I began to feel empty, lacking, and I knew I needed a lover. I approached him with this, and he, feeling that I knew him too well and could see through the manipulation of romance, had a very difficult time being romantically vulnerable to me. It continued to cause pain in our relationship and I finally told him that the more I didn't receive it from him, the less I wanted it, because the more I was reminded that we were just very good friends.

Because of our sexual history, it was extremely difficult for me to feel anything during our sexual encounters. It was too reminiscent of our "friends with benefits" stage--I was used to separating sex with emotion when it came to him and didn't know how to bridge the gap between the two. I was still interested in sexuality, which I think is why I continued to mess around with him, but I was constantly haunted by lovers from the past who actually made me feel (romance, intensity, etc.).

I then went through a drastic weight loss after a back injury that completely zapped my interest in sex. He has been more sexually attracted to me since I've gotten in shape, but the thought of being sexual in any way repulses me. Since this happened several months ago, he has completely compensated for the lack of romance and affection in the first half of our relationship and has become the ultimate in thoughtful, attentive, spontaneous boyfriends. He's always been incredibly faithful and loyal, never making me jealous or provoking me, always looking out for what I need and making huge sacrifices. He's everything I could possibly want--he respects me, genuinely loves me, makes me think more than anyone has ever made me think.

But I don't feel anything.

I actually want to see him be sexual with another girl just so maybe it will jump start some form of jealousy within me--just so I could at least feel something, and maybe start to perceive him as a sexual being again. But I've never gotten butterflies when he kisses me, and when he says he loves me, though I believe him like I've never believed anyone before, it doesn't penetrate. I feel as if I'm not receiving his efforts the way I need to. Like someone is handing me a diamond but I can't comprehend it. A short circuit. There is nothing wrong with this man. He's the best friend I ever had, and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I want to end up with him. I want to make our relationship work, because he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We have everything a healthy relationship needs and we have it to a tee...everything except the feelings of romance and infatuation and sexual attraction on my part.

You know, the superficial things.

This is tearing me up inside, because I'm the one who is supposed to protect him from hurt--the thought of being the cause of his pain is unbelievable, devastating. I feel like he's the one I was made for, the one I'm supposed to be with. I have high standards, and he meets them all. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM. And yet, I don't feel anything. He doesn't make me feel. He makes me think. He doesn't make me feel.

I know I can feel, because I've felt--for lesser men, for men who aren't half of who he is. But I fell in love with them. They made me feel.

I don't know what to do.

If I lose him, I lose him for good. He has told me over and over that he would not take me back, and it would be too hard for him to try to maintain a friendship.

He would do anything else for me. And for some reason I can't appreciate it.

I'm so lost.

Has anyone been through anything like this before?

This is what I'm supposed to be feeling after being married for five years--not after dating for two. Then again, I've been feeling this way from the beginning, and didn't change even after I moved out a year ago.

But I have genuinely loved this man since the beginning of our friendship. I really love him. It's just...I feel the timing is all wrong. The fact that we were sexual before dating, the fact that we were so intellectually intimate and emotionally close and knew each other so well, it's hurt us. We missed out on the pursuit, the butterflies, the passion, the attraction and sexual tension, and even though those things shouldn't matter...they are what differentiate between friend and lover.

And he's my friend. But I can't lose him. I can't. He's the most important person in the world to me.

I don't know what to do.

Please help me. Please help me know how to develop sexual attraction and romantic chemistry with someone I've never had it with.
Last edited by SarahJade; May 26,2009 at 7:03pm.
 
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AgOrApHoBiChEaRt is offline AgOrApHoBiChEaRt Post #2  May 26,2009, 7:20pm

is sorry she ever signed on.........

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maybe this is love and everything you have felt up to this point has been lust or infatuation. its obvious you care for "Dan" deeply or you wouldnt be agonizing over your decision. instead of thinking of what he doesnt do for you, think of what he does do for you. and you say he is your friend........then go to him and be honest with him. sex is not a great foundation for a relationship. you and he already have that foundation. build from that instead of focusing on the sexual part. mabe you have this childhood ideal of what it supposed to be like with your soulmate and you are punishing him and yourself for not living up to that perfect expectation. I think that you do love him and its for real this time and you are so scared that you are in sabotage mode. just breathe and go to him. tell him how you feel. if he is who you think he is then he will be the one to helpyou with this issue. I have been there and trust me, you dont wanna throw it all away becauseone area is flawed.
 
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coffeegeek is offline coffeegeek Post #3  May 26,2009, 7:29pm
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That's a really rough spot, I'm so sorry. If I were there, I'd give you a hug.

Is there any way you can get away for a week or two? I can only think that a little time and space away from the situation in a relaxing environment where you can really think and reflect might help you sort things out.
 
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Nanette is offline Nanette Post #4  May 26,2009, 7:42pm
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I think that every last shred of mystery is gone from your relationship. It's usually good to keep a little.

One thing to remember, as this is true for marriage also, is that LOVE IS NOT A FEELING. If you love someone you know that its not always cloud nine, but that person is the one that you know you should and want to be with. The grass is always greener and we start questioning.

I hope that helps a little. I hope you get time to sort it all out.
 
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beautifulgenius is offline beautifulgenius Post #5  May 26,2009, 7:44pm
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coffeegeek wrote :
That's a really rough spot, I'm so sorry. If I were there, I'd give you a hug.

Is there any way you can get away for a week or two? I can only think that a little time and space away from the situation in a relaxing environment where you can really think and reflect might help you sort things out.
I agree with this...take some time away from him for a while, and explain to him, if you feel you can that is, because you really are in a tough situation, that you need time to figure things out. It's the only thing that's going to help you out, and give you some time to breathe, and that's what you need. Is breathing room. Leave for two weeks , or somewhere you can be alone. Give it lots of time, do something different.
 
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littlebluemonkeymind is offline littlebluemonkeymind Post #6  May 26,2009, 7:51pm
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Wow. That's kind of heartbreaking.

In the end only you can decide what's important to you. What you can live with and what you can't live without. The responses you'll get here are reflections of our separate and very individual experiences and priorities, but they won't answer the question you need answered.

What do you want?

The butterflies, the lust, the sexual tension are, as you say, somewhat superficial...they are also something that ebbs and flows in any long term relationship. If you've never felt sexually attracted to him, that might indicate any number of things...from just an unfortunate incident to some quirk of wiring to some hidden issue that needs to be explored. The fact that your repulsion with sex began when his wooing of you increased might be telling. Perhaps some time talking with a professional about the experiences you've been through might be helpful.

I've had lovers of both kinds...the on-fire, can't-not-be-touching heat and the companionable friend with whom sex was good but not world-shaking. In the end, I would choose the person who would be my advocate and friend, but then I've always been able to generate or create that spark. I don't know what to tell you about how that's done. I have never felt repulsed by sex...even on a few occasions when it might have been appropriate. I would want to explore that more, if it was happening to me.

Perhaps some work together with a therpist who specializes in sexual issues, or even just some non-routine sex play might loosen some of the barriers.

Have you talked to him about this? Is it something that he's aware of?

It would be a shame to not explore every avenue for someone who has evidently added so much to your life. I wish you the best.
 
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pourquois-moi is offline pourquois-moi Post #7  May 26,2009, 8:10pm
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love comes naturally sweetheart, all that struggle regarding how you feel for him doesn't happen with love. i think if he does care for you, he would bargain for anything to keep you in his life. To me the best thing to do is to go back to being best friends, it's best to save the friendship now then to lose it later. And who knows, unexpectedly, love may develop "naturally" as it should and when it does you'll simply know. But for now, i sense that you're simply feeding off of the fact that you know he's there for you and always has been; this.
 
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pourquois-moi is offline pourquois-moi Post #8  May 26,2009, 8:12pm
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Love comes naturally sweetheart, all that struggle regarding how you feel for him doesn't happen with love. i think if he does care for you, he would bargain for anything to keep you in his life. To me the best thing to do is to go back to being best friends, it's best to save the friendship now then to lose it later. And who knows, unexpectedly, love may develop "naturally" as it should and when it does you'll simply know. But for now, i sense that you're simply feeding off of the fact that you know he's there for you and always has been; This sort of security is what all women desire and it's only human to want to hold on to that.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #9  May 27,2009, 12:53am

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The solution is simple with summer almost here, it's time to take a "time out" for the summer. Go home to your parents house for the summer, get into some short term therapy during the summer, spend time with your old friends and see what life is like without him.
It does not work, if your chatting with him on the phone or texting and e mailing each other daily or weekly.

The problem is yours and you are causing him a good deal of pain and also punishing yourself. The goal: is to feel that absence does make the heart grow fonder, when you miss someone who you love. (2) To learn to reconnect to your feelings again. The alternative is you'll be back on the board asking how you can get a 2nd. chance with him because he found a new girlfriend. Grow up a bit.

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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #10  May 27,2009, 5:20am
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You can't force a square peg into a round hole and you can't develop sexual attraction to someone you are not attracted to. Your post in its entirety concerns because you don't seem to have even the slightest idea of what a healthy relationship is or how you develop one. My only advice is take a break from this and go seek some counseling on your own. I know some Universities provide them for free to students. Also, take this post that you've written with you and let them read it. Hope they can help you sort yourself out at least a little. Please understand that I'm not trying to be mean to you by saying this, but what I'm reading genuinely concerns me.
 
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