I cried today, so hard I could hardly breathe, when it occurred to me that I am not, nor have I ever been, in love with him.

This is our story. Dan* and I met four years ago, hit it off, and quickly became the best friends either of us could ever remember having. Within one year, we started "messing around" because we idiotically perceived our friendship to be intellectual and elevated enough to handle it. I was obsessed with him mentally but not emotionally or sexually, but the sexuality proved too emotional for him. After two years, he began to show interest in a relationship. By this time we were newly living together (we both ended up going to the same college and needed roommates), and because he was my best friend, the smartest and most interesting/discerning/talented person I'd ever met, and I held him on a pedestal, it seemed like the best idea in the world to me. Two people never had such communication as we had, worked better together in a living situation, genuinely enjoyed one another's company and got things done together with our active thought processes. We were amazing together. It was only natural that we should be together and have the logical relationship that couples dreamed of.

The transition was awkward. We began to kiss; we never had before in our "friends with benefits" stage. But that, with the addition of healthy jealousy (natural to any relationship), was the only thing that changed. There was no tenderness, no affection, no words of love or acts of romance. We continued being best friends, but neither of us at first felt the necessity of being lovers. I was in denial, feeling that we were above romance. But as more time passed, I began to feel empty, lacking, and I knew I needed a lover. I approached him with this, and he, feeling that I knew him too well and could see through the manipulation of romance, had a very difficult time being romantically vulnerable to me. It continued to cause pain in our relationship and I finally told him that the more I didn't receive it from him, the less I wanted it, because the more I was reminded that we were just very good friends.

Because of our sexual history, it was extremely difficult for me to feel anything during our sexual encounters. It was too reminiscent of our "friends with benefits" stage--I was used to separating sex with emotion when it came to him and didn't know how to bridge the gap between the two. I was still interested in sexuality, which I think is why I continued to mess around with him, but I was constantly haunted by lovers from the past who actually made me feel (romance, intensity, etc.).

I then went through a drastic weight loss after a back injury that completely zapped my interest in sex. He has been more sexually attracted to me since I've gotten in shape, but the thought of being sexual in any way repulses me. Since this happened several months ago, he has completely compensated for the lack of romance and affection in the first half of our relationship and has become the ultimate in thoughtful, attentive, spontaneous boyfriends. He's always been incredibly faithful and loyal, never making me jealous or provoking me, always looking out for what I need and making huge sacrifices. He's everything I could possibly want--he respects me, genuinely loves me, makes me think more than anyone has ever made me think.

But I don't feel anything.

I actually want to see him be sexual with another girl just so maybe it will jump start some form of jealousy within me--just so I could at least feel something, and maybe start to perceive him as a sexual being again. But I've never gotten butterflies when he kisses me, and when he says he loves me, though I believe him like I've never believed anyone before, it doesn't penetrate. I feel as if I'm not receiving his efforts the way I need to. Like someone is handing me a diamond but I can't comprehend it. A short circuit. There is nothing wrong with this man. He's the best friend I ever had, and I can't imagine him not being in my life. I want to end up with him. I want to make our relationship work, because he's the best thing that's ever happened to me. We have everything a healthy relationship needs and we have it to a tee...everything except the feelings of romance and infatuation and sexual attraction on my part.

You know, the superficial things.

This is tearing me up inside, because I'm the one who is supposed to protect him from hurt--the thought of being the cause of his pain is unbelievable, devastating. I feel like he's the one I was made for, the one I'm supposed to be with. I have high standards, and he meets them all. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH HIM. And yet, I don't feel anything. He doesn't make me feel. He makes me think. He doesn't make me feel.

I know I can feel, because I've felt--for lesser men, for men who aren't half of who he is. But I fell in love with them. They made me feel.

I don't know what to do.

If I lose him, I lose him for good. He has told me over and over that he would not take me back, and it would be too hard for him to try to maintain a friendship.

He would do anything else for me. And for some reason I can't appreciate it.

I'm so lost.

Has anyone been through anything like this before?

This is what I'm supposed to be feeling after being married for five years--not after dating for two. Then again, I've been feeling this way from the beginning, and didn't change even after I moved out a year ago.

But I have genuinely loved this man since the beginning of our friendship. I really love him. It's just...I feel the timing is all wrong. The fact that we were sexual before dating, the fact that we were so intellectually intimate and emotionally close and knew each other so well, it's hurt us. We missed out on the pursuit, the butterflies, the passion, the attraction and sexual tension, and even though those things shouldn't matter...they are what differentiate between friend and lover.

And he's my friend. But I can't lose him. I can't. He's the most important person in the world to me.

I don't know what to do.

Please help me. Please help me know how to develop sexual attraction and romantic chemistry with someone I've never had it with.