just_call_me_joe is offline just_call_me_joe Post #1  May 26,2009, 4:19pm
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Hi I wont bore you with the little things just the facts which lead me writting this alone at 1am...

been with partner 1 and 1/2 years

i moved cities and job to be with her so that she can do a degree been here for 8months. moved into rented place. house life is settled.

family like me my family likes her

I feel like im going out with two girls... she involves me in ev at home family etc but when it comes to university she doesn't involve me or invite me out...

weve had talks but still does this.

i havent made any friends in the new city yet so feel lonely hence on this website for feedback.

we are in love and have made future plans ie; after uni we would get married and think of starting a family. but this is four years away and im 25. four years is a long time to wait.

sex has always been an issue again discussed but nothing has changed, ie bad on both parts.

and to throw a spanner in the works one of her close parental figures /aunty has a son which several years ago had a fling. also have discussed my uneasyness but can't do anything as he is a part of her.

part of me is willing to wait as i think she is the one
part of me is thinking to end the relationship.

I feel in a limbo...

please any feedback would be great.
 
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TaoShaffer is offline TaoShaffer Post #2  May 27,2009, 12:27am
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Moving to a new place can be pretty stressful. You might be feeling a little insecure because of it.

I don't want to cast aspersions on your girlfriend. Obviously I don't know her or you for that matter. But are you sure she isn't using you as some sort of financial support?

She's probably trustworthy, only you can tell for sure. But if you are having a lot of problems and talking isn't helping, then you may need to end the relationship. But be sure it's not the stress of being in a new place with a mate who's going to be equally stressed with school that's making your relationship untenable.
 
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Harvey7 is offline Harvey7 Post #3  May 27,2009, 12:38am

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Hey Joe,
There is not to much to think about more information would be helpful.
The communication with her is poor at best, she is the boss and treats you as a 2nd. class person and it is hard to involve someone in your school life. Why does she want you around again?

I don't think that you will accomplish anything by leaving and she see's herself as the superior being, so the alternative is to find a therapist for yourself and later on invite her to join in for couples counseling, which she may decline because she does not feel that she has to explain herself to anyone.

I would also make an "exit plan" in the event that she declines your offer that might be moving back to where you came from or getting your own place and starting over again. She needs a mental kick in the ass because she is selfish.

Harvey7
 
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DancingFool is offline DancingFool Post #4  May 27,2009, 4:39am
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Not sure that I understand what you mean by her not involving you in University. Do you mean she goes out with her college friends and leaves you home alone all the time? If that's what you mean, then it is kind of strange behavior. You may also be hyper-sensitive because you are in a new place and not quite adjusted and feeling lonely and uprooted.

As far as the sex thing - well.....for how many years can you actually put up with a bad sex life? If you get married, it means for the rest of your life. Is that something that's actually going to be fine with you and with her? Personally, I really can't imagine that working out for me, but I'm not you or her.

As the other poster said, there are only so many times you can talk about problems. Ultimately if talking does not change the actions, it's probably time to move on.
 
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tweet37 is offline tweet37 Post #5  May 27,2009, 7:23am
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DancingFool wrote :
As far as the sex thing - well.....for how many years can you actually put up with a bad sex life? If you get married, it means for the rest of your life. Is that something that's actually going to be fine with you and with her? Personally, I really can't imagine that working out for me, but I'm not you or her.
Yeah, I agree. If you think it's bad now wait 'till she eats wedding cake.
 
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natka is offline natka Post #6  May 27,2009, 9:00am
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i think at this point you have to wait and see. if you have feelings for this girl that's wonderful. it's very hard to wait for someone. i have always been in those situations where i've met great guys but with my college and work it would not be fair to ask for commitment from them. i would not be able to give them that time.
maybe you should tell her this. it's hard to be honest with someone but collect your thoughts. think of what you wanna say to her and have a conversation. it does not have to be serious or negative. you are right. you don't want to wait for four years and then she suddenly realizes you are not the one. and then you will be almost 30.... but then again relationships are about taking a chance.
take a chance with her or talk to her and see where she is at. ask her to be honest. and be honest with her. you will get your answer based on what you feel from her responses.
good luck!!!
 
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angelofmerci is offline angelofmerci Post #7  May 27,2009, 9:19am
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I do not think the sex issue is going to go away or get better overnight. I do agree that things may only get worse once she gets you down the aisle.

As for the asking you to join her for the University activities if they are not a daily or once every other day thing then I would not push the matter. Everyone needs something to do that does not include their mate. This University issue could be the one thing she needs totally separate of you.

As for you being in a new city, you need to find things to do that will bring you into contact with people so that you can rebuild your support system. Good Luck
 
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jomarie is offline jomarie Post #8  May 27,2009, 10:13am
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Newton's First Law:
An object at rest remains at rest and an object in motion will remain in motion unless acted on by an unbalanced force. I always think of this when I hear of people who appear to be staying in unhappy or unfulfilling relationships. You have to ask yourself if you're staying just because you're 'going with the flow' of energy, or if it's what you would choose if you were starting fresh. Personally, I wouldn't settle for a sex-life that has never been good in 4 years. Sure, people can work on having a better sex-life, but I personally believe that it's only great if you're in love with the person you're having it with, but then, maybe that's just me! Also, it might complicate things that she is in an atmosphere at the University where she has plenty of access to making new friends and acquaintances, and your living in a strange city with none of your old buddies or friends (I assume) for support. It's a lop-sided situation. I think she should be more willing to welcome you into her circle of friends so that you don't feel so alone and insignificant.
 
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thBigham is offline thBigham Post #9  May 27,2009, 1:57pm
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You might not want to consider this but:

1. If the sex is bad for you, it probably is for her as well.
2. She doesn't include you in the university stuff because she:
a. wants to keep her options open as far as shopping for your replacement.
b. she already has a tentative replacement one or some of her friends know about
and having her seen with you will upset that, or
c. she has something to hide and doesn't want you to know.

Possible you are the good guy to take home to family and they all like you. She wishes she did as well and wants to love you..but just isn't that into you. When women want you they let you know.

Why don't you try meeting her @ campus once or twice and see what reaction you get like around lunch time? Ask what her day is like, where she goes, etc. Call her and tell her suprise! You're here - let's eat. How that plays out will tell you a lot.
 
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dnnmllr is offline dnnmllr Post #10  May 27,2009, 2:03pm
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Because she has not "answered" your question @ involving you in her "University" life you have no real answer to your question.....and I believe you deserve to have this question answered. There is no real reason why you should not be "included" in some aspects of her studies and I would be hesitant to invest more of me if I were you.

When one envisions themself with someone indefinitely then one includes that person in everything important. I can not answer this for you/her. She must direct an answer to your question. I think the answer she provides, assuming it is honest, will enable you to decide what you are willing to "invest" from this point forward. This is your right.

I wish you well.
 
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